Lost Souls by Gerasimos Rozis - Short, Thriller, War - Even after their bodies fail, the souls of two soldiers stay behind to do their duty. 3 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hi Gerasimos,

Notes as I read.

Quoted Text EXT. X BATTLEGROUND - 1941 - DAY

If you want the year to be seen it would be better written as a SUPER.

Quoted Text arms and heads lay on the ground.

Lay – Lie.

Quoted Text Though the terrain sparkles like rain had fallen, the liquid that shines is not clear but red.

A bit overwritten. Maybe - The ground sparkles a crimson red.

Google the difference between lay vs. lie.

Quoted Text BRYAN Two o’ clock. You see that General down there? You need to take him out.

A bit confusing as you just told us "They're not soldiers".

Quoted Text in his luxurious leather couch

In the middle of a battlefield?

Quoted Text who’s lifeless body fells down on the ground.

whose lifeless body falls to the ground.

Quoted Text MARTIN (V.O.) What kind of sorcery is this?

This bit of dialogue, although relevant, still feels very out of place.

Lots of awkward writing throughout.

The idea is pretty good and definitely worth rewriting. I think you should make your logline a bit more cryptic. The twist is literally on display, so while it comes as a surprise to the soldiers I knew what was happening all along, and because of that the piece losses all of its impact.

All the best.

Hi Gerasimos,

Some suggestions to add up to Warren's notes:

Quoted Text The battlefield lay quiet, for it is now a graveyard of the unburied.

I would suggest: "The battlefield rests quiet, for it is now a graveyard for the unburied."

Better show than tell. For example:

Quoted Text He is not supposed to be alive considering the huge holes upon his body.

Can be rewritten in something like:

He looks at the huge holes on his chest, surprised to be alive.

Is this dialogue really necessary?

Quoted Text MARTIN (V.O.) Every natural movement of my body is on hold and so I must force some that mimic an "OK".

Maybe a silent nod from Martin would do the trick... (if they have visuals on each other).

I would replace the V.O.:

Quoted Text MARTIN (V.O.) What kind of sorcery is this?

With:

MARTIN
(to himself)
What kind of sorcery is this?

Anyway, consider rewriting this line of dialogue like Warren said.

Nice idea, but this draft needs a good rewrite.

Keep the good work.

Hey Gerasimos,

I want to make sure you are around to reply before I give detailed feedback. I will say that this is an interesting concept, but the writing itself needs some work.

Zack

Thanks a lot Warren and Philostrate for the notes, I'll work on those as soon as possible!

Zack, I'm always here^^.

Quoted from Warren A bit confusing as you just told us "They're not soldiers". In the middle of a battlefield?

On the above:
They're not 'just' soldiers>I'm talking about those among the dead who also search for souvenirs, gold etc.. However I know what you mean, I'll fix this.

Yes, after he came up victorious, the enemy General rests in his leather chair. Doesn't look very... down to earth? probably not I guess..