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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    July 2018 One Week Challenge  ›  Rain Check - OWC
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  Author    Rain Check - OWC  (currently 1007 views)
Don
Posted: August 4th, 2018, 9:10am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Rain Check by 0 - Short, Drama - An ageing farmer struggles to cope with the harsh conditions that are decimating his land. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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Dreamscale
Posted: August 4th, 2018, 12:02pm Report to Moderator
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Well, I know already this is not an American writer, based on the spelling of "ageing" in the log.

Phrasings are off, once again, but could be due to where this writer lives, but for me, it's already a tough read and will most likely continue to be, and at a full 6 pages, this has me worried.

Dawn only lasts so long, and you've already used it in way too many Slugs.

You're either a farmer or have a farming background...or maybe just some excellent research.  I am not a farmer and this is very dull to me.

I'm seriously struggling here with both the writing and the "story".  You have so many fragments...I don't understand why you'd want to write this way.  As for the story, I don't see any so far.

OK, I read it all, but had to skim a few pages, as it's just so detailed and dull.  BUT, when it's all said and done, there is power here and you chose a story that is not hampered by the no dialogue parameter, so that's good.

For me, it's a real chug to get through, and is very heavy and downright boring to read.  Filmed, this may be quite good, touching, even powerful.

It's tough for me, as the writing here really brings this down, and that's too bad.  If I could grade this, it would have to be 2 separate grades completely, which would wash out somewhere in the middle.

I think some or even many will really like this.  I can't say that I did, but I could easily see this being made into a very nice no dialogue film, so I say "Good Job" for that.
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: August 4th, 2018, 3:34pm Report to Moderator
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Nice opening tone to the writing. Clean finish.

As I go I’m finding this a tad hard to follow. Lots of lovely sentences, but... let’s see

In short, I found it hard work, and it didn’t land the punches it may have hoped for

But... you have some writing skill, writer. I enjoyed much of what you presented.

A man facing drought, a trusty dog always there, how to cope. The effect of neighbours etc

Not a bad choice of setting, for this OWC, but story wise, wasn’t quite there

I have no doubt you have written better things

Thanks for something different


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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JEStaats
Posted: August 4th, 2018, 4:36pm Report to Moderator
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No sh*t, there I was....

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Very easy to envision Farmer Hogget and Babe in place of these characters. This is a rarity, so far, as I genuinely care for the characters and what happens to them. Bravo for that.

Not much really happens in the story. To me, it's a telling of their plight. Not much more. Thanks for using 'demijohn' as I had no idea that's what that type of jar was called.

Good job, overall. Very well written. That'll do, pig. I mean, Oscar.
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eldave1
Posted: August 4th, 2018, 7:18pm Report to Moderator
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So far for me. one of the best and hits the parameters dead-on.  

SPOILERS

Poignant - we have a man teetering on ending his sobriety due to the endless drought and it's ramifications and just as he is about the give in - the rumble of thunder let's us know hope has returned. Thematically, this was great.

On first read - I got a little confused here:


Quoted Text
EXT. HILLSIDE - TOP OF THE HILL - DAWN

Oscar turfs up a giant puffball mushroom.

Adge trudges past. Tackles the last few metres of the ascent.
He stands beside a large pole topped with a static WINDSOCK.

He takes a breath. Stares into the distance.
The morning sun breaches the horizon, complimenting the
already stunning view of rolling fields and meadows, rich
with agriculture and wildlife as far as the eye can see.
He scans the clear skies, searches for something. His face
suggests he hasn’t found it. A deep sigh confirms this.


Couldn't see why the drought wasn't pervasive enough to allow for all this greenery just a short drive away - took me a couple of reads here. I actually don't think you need the scene at all. It really doesn't add anything. I would rather have him looking at a photo of his own farm when it was green and in all it's glory.

One of my favorites so far.  PS - Oscar is a dog name wasn't the best choice IMO.

Really nice work.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts

Revision History (1 edits)
eldave1  -  August 5th, 2018, 10:53am
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: August 5th, 2018, 10:17am Report to Moderator
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Very nicely written but there's nothing (from a cinematic standpoint anyway) duller than watching a farmer go about his daily toll. I drifted and became lost several times while reading this as it's clean and crisp but there's nothing of interest going on, no story.

By page 5 it finally kicks in. Honestly you could have started at page 4 and we would still get it. A nice ending and meets the criteria but needs a lot more story for me.

-Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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Lightfoot
Posted: August 6th, 2018, 6:44pm Report to Moderator
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You had me worried there when he couldn't find the dog.

I see what you were trying to achieve with this, but think it will be much easier to do with dialogue as there just isn't enough emotion expressed by the farmer without it. Or maybe try and make the conditions of the farm worse, like the dairy cows. You make it seem as though they are fine and healthy, perhaps make them look starving or malnourished to tell that this farmer may be in some trouble in the near future.

Writing was solid, though I think you can trim a lot of the farm work out of story, not really all interesting to read.

Good work.  
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ghost and_ghostie gal
Posted: August 6th, 2018, 11:57pm Report to Moderator
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Well, I say this in the nicest spirit, truly.

I got pretty bored after the second page.  I thought about skimming, but being only six pages.   You could have told this story with less.  Just my .02 cents.  Nothing in here made me go "OOH AHH"....

Ghostie


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Anon
Posted: August 7th, 2018, 5:09am Report to Moderator
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This one missed the suspense mark for me. It was someone waiting for it to rain. And it took me a while to understand that. I assumed this was the case because I know what this challenge is. But if someone was reading this, they'd find the first description of surrounding landscape on page 2 which is -

The morning sun breaches the horizon, complimenting the already stunning view of rolling fields and meadows, rich with agriculture and wildlife as far as the eye can see.

When I read that the landscape was rich with agriculture, I thought this wasn't about a drought after all. So it took a few pages for you to establish your premise. I think you need to work on this with such a short script challenge.

What's a demijohn? Maybe most know what it is but I don't. So I had no interest in whether he could get it off the shelf or not.

Just not enough story for me on this one. And my only constructive criticism is establish your drought earlier and make it much more intense (so higher then stakes).
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MGray
Posted: August 7th, 2018, 4:01pm Report to Moderator
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This writing resonated nicely for me.
Perhaps some of the farm work at the start could be trimmed, but on the other hand it is atmospheric and helps us know the character.
I believe that when he is driving, your scene heading if it's INT must read "Range Rover (Moving)."
Also, watch for hyphenation...it should be "twelve-year sobriety coin" because the first two words are working together to describe the rest. Note that you don't need a hyphen when the first word ends in -ly, so something like "dimly lit barn" is okay.
I stopped liking Adge right at the end, but maybe I got this wrong. I thought Oscar was cowering in the door because he's afraid of Adge when Adge drinks. I would have loved it if Adge has seen that and stopped himself from drinking to be kind to the dog. Instead, he ignores the dog and then is distracted by the storm. Or is Oscar cowering because of the storm? I think the first choice is pretty cool. And then if he stopped to be kind to the dog, it would be almost as if he was rewarded with the rain. If you get a chance after the voting, please tell me which you meant. I'm very curious.
This is a strong one. Nice work!
Some will say the story starts too late and that it will drive up production costs.  
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MarkItZero
Posted: August 7th, 2018, 6:22pm Report to Moderator
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Are these scripts all about farming lol. This one came together in the last few pages and got quite interesting. I think you could just start with him getting the neighbor's gift and then he wrestles with his demons from there. The last 2-3 pages by itself would still pack the same punch.

But if you really want this to be a longer piece, I'd recommend pulling out all the stops to keep the reader interested. More suspense, more mystery. Maybe you have the cider in a closet instead and he's painted a warning sign on the door, he's got stuff blockading it... to the point where you think someone or something very dangerous is inside.


That rug really tied the room together.
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Cameron
Posted: August 8th, 2018, 3:55pm Report to Moderator
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I'll second Zero, has this turned into a farmer's tribute page??

Her writer,

So, it plods, and I don't like ploddy scripts as a rule as they tend to create plodding arty farty films. That being said, I fought with my natural urges to start skimming and I'm glad I did.

It was well written. You could feel the pain, anguish and general suffering and it made me care. Oscar was a great character too, clever way to not even risk dialogue by making your sidekick a working woofer.

I still think you could take bits out and trim it. I know where you are going with the pacing, but 3 pages in it kinda got to the "I get it, we're in a drought and suffering" stage.

Visually great, emotionally great and met the challenge with a good result on the page.

A goodie in my book,

Cam
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realxwriter
Posted: August 9th, 2018, 1:02pm Report to Moderator
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I only realized Oscar was a dog at the third page. You should have just said a dog instead of mentioning the breed. I am clueless about dog breeds. That's on me I guess.

Your craft is perfect. I can't complain about your writing style in any way. However, I was a bit confused throughout because the story didn't seem to have any destination. I was following the story and hoping that you might mention anything to tell us where the story is heading. Yes, the sigh on the hill told us he was expecting something but still. You didn't make me feel the urgency of his need for the rain. That's why the ending didn't have any impact on me. Also, a hero journey about waiting isn't that compelling.



This was a good attempt. Thanks for participating.
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Grandma Bear
Posted: August 9th, 2018, 1:53pm Report to Moderator
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Hmmm...

I wanted to like it since it was written nicely, but, not a whole lot happened until the very end. Maybe the neighbor's cider should have showed up earlier and he could've struggled with that a little more.

You had the heat, but not much in way of suspense.

Not bad, but rather dull, IMHO.


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Pale Yellow
Posted: August 9th, 2018, 3:48pm Report to Moderator
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Written well.

I loved the visuals you have of the dog interacting with the man. I would like to get to the story a lttle earlier in this. I know it would film faster but to read ... want to get to the main part of the story.

Waiting on the rain... the crops dying in the field.. great parallel the dryness in the earth ... to the dryness of him not drinking.

Loved the visual at the end of the liquor cider running out of the bottle onto the ground.

I think this could be trimmed up and made a little better by sticking to those parallels... and getting to the story faster BUT man(or woman) I wish I could write visual like that!

Great job.
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