The Reformer by Maysam Yabandeh - Short, Drama - What Nazi Germany did to the Jews did not happen over night. The foundation for it was built in German culture over the centuries, arguably started by the writings and deeds of perhaps the most influential reformer of the millennium, Martin Luther. 23 pages - pdf format

New writer interested in feedback on this work

Very preachy, forced dialogue... I couldn't get past the first couple of pages.

Hi Maysam,

There's far too many big blocks of dialogue.

IMO, I would remove all the camera angles. (Leave it for a Director)

I understand you're trying to depict these events as accurate as possible, even down to the last full stop, but we are in the business of 'entertainment'.

My suggestion would be to tell this story with a modern spin on it, and because of the topic, I would try for a 8 to 14 pager.

Good luck with it.

Daniel

Thanks for the feedback. I updated the screenplay: https://www.dropbox.com/s/bser3q1toku52sf/luther.screenplay.forpapercopy.pdf?dl=0

> forced dialogue
The monologues are verbatim copy of Luther's books, letters, sermons, ... The idea of the screenplay is to deliver a dramatized documentary.

> big blocks of dialogue
I hand picked the minimum number of sentences from Luther's writings that would give a proper overview of his thoughts and their changes over his life. I however understand that a big monologue could be boring.  In the revision (linked above) I split them up to smaller blocks, adding actions in between.

When I read the monologues, the content are so profound and informative that I would never feel bored no matter how long the block is. But I guess not all viewers would be as excited as I am about this topic.

> remove all the camera angles
I removed some. But I guess this is quite a relative quality. For example the first 5 minutes of Toy Story 3's screenplay is full of directional details.

>  I would try for a 8 to 14 pager.
I believe a story should be as short as possible. I thus chose the minimum number of scenes that could give a comprehensive overview of Luther's thoughts and their change over time. I honestly do not see how it could get shorter.

Thanks again for the feedback.

Code Luther  is  riding  in  a  coach.  He  looks  quite  calm  and indifferent.  Remembering  the  holocaust  scenes,  his indifference  is  bit  irritating  to  us.

Why would his indifference be a bit irritating to us? Luther wasn't there. You also shouldn't tell the reader/viewer what they are thinking. I wasn't irritated at all by his calmness. He didn't have anything to do with the Jewish holocaust perpetrated by the Germans as he died some 400 years before it supposedly happened.


Honestly, if you want to look at the reasons Germany hated the Jews by the time of the 2nd World War, you need only go as far back as the 1st World War when the Jews sided with the West and betrayed Germany. The Germans walked off the battlefield and called off the war. The Jewish betrayal was never forgotten. After that, the 2nd World war and the fight for control of African resources was inevitable.

To suggest that a man had influence on German culture from some 400 years prior is way wide of the mark... in my opinion.

Dustin,
The content is definitely controversial. You might or might not agree with the position of the author but the question is whether the author explains his position clearly and whether any pieces from the recorded history reflected in the screenplay are accurate. I am guessing you only read the first few pages otherwise you would see that the screenplay is not one sided and takes a quite fair position.
That aside a screenplay could be evaluated based on its technical merits whether you feel aligned with the content or not.
Sincerely

I got a feedback that the ending is too dark. The script is updated with two post-credits scenes to also give some happy vibe at the end: https://www.dropbox.com/s/bser3q1toku52sf/luther.screenplay.forpapercopy.pdf?dl=0

Update: the screenplay was picked by the veteran audio producer, Joseph Bevilacqua (http://www.joebevilacqua.com). The audiobook is now available in iTunes, Amazon, and Audible. Now we just need to wait for it to be picked by a veteran movie producer

PS: Here are the links to the audiobook if you want to check out the samples of Joseph's work:
Audible: https://www.audible.com/pd/B07.....BK_ACX0_134479_rh_us
Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/Reformer-Screenplay-Based-Martin-Luther/dp/B07KQN8YT5
iTunes: https://geo.itunes.apple.com/u.....d/id1444485828?mt=11

The screenplay is updated to address the comments as well as to explain the context of the story. The final version turns 40 pages: https://amazon.com/dp/B07GNXRQFS