Mesmerism by Joseph Cahill - Horror - After arriving at a lake house in the woods, a group of college students on holiday begin to display bizarre and dangerous behaviors. The lake house's gruesome past may have something to do with it.  117 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Fantastic Logline.


Hope the script can live up to the image I already have :Evil dead meets Alexander Poe.

I hope it does! This must be read through an 80s lens. It is an 80s throwback to "A group of teenagers in the woods" horror. With a twist, of course. I hope I did the genre justice. Let me know what you think!

Joseph

If anyone is interested in trading a review for Mesmerism, I'd be happy to oblige.

Joseph

With a sense of the main character(s), the obstacle, and ending, your longline has peeked my interest enough to give this bad boy a look.  

BLB

Cool. Look forward to your thoughts. If you need me to read something, let me know.

Joseph

Hey, Joseph

I actually finished this few days ago but couldn't get my thought in order, haha. First, let me say congrats on knocking out a feature because writings hard work, and each time out makes you better.

So, I think you can tell a lot from the first 10 pages of a script, how the writer uses structure and narrative description.

The story opens with a running start, which puts the audience right into the horror, an effective approach. The opening foreshadows the ending, characters have lost their minds (like Shakes) and a creature is on the loose (like Vivian). The main character Layla survives the ordeal, which sets up for a strong backstory; however, I didn’t see how it impacted her psychologically.

Here’s an example of the descriptive narrative that worked for me, “From the porch, Shakes takes the knife and swipes it across Alice’s neck. (p. 6)” It sets up a clear image, and it is active. Here is an example of what didn’t, “The gnashing of teeth and tearing of flesh begin immediately.” “…immediately draws his weapon… (p.5)”, “…immediately snorts and hocks (p.8 )” It feels like it slows me down while reading. If it’s “immediately” doesn’t it just happen.

“Jack steps out, snorts and hocks a loogie…”
“DEPUTY WALTERs (20s) exits the cruiser, draws his weapon, takes aim at Shakes.”

These hesitations in narrative came in other forms, “suddenly,” “instantly.”

I did like the way you handled the transition from the first scene, in the past, into the next scene, in the present.

...

...
You have some good elements here. I like the dialogue between Layla and Grayson on pg. 28 because I felt it pushed the conversation to a deeper level, her childhood. I feel as though those types of conversations reveal character, when someone makes a judgement about the topic. Another example was the “drinking and driving” topic, again Grayson, revealed character, right and wrong, value, and his delivery revealed his personality. Good stuff.

When I finished reading and initial started writing my thoughts about your story, I thought why did it seem like there’s a lot missing when you had a lot there. So, I went back over my notes, and I thought yeah there’s a lot here. I think it’s because Layla has no clear desire until later into the story, so everything up until then feels like much isn’t happening like there’s no clear track. For example, The Ring, we know early that Rachel wants to investigate her nieces death a clear request from her sister, which then leads to "the Tape." As far as I can tell her desire is fix up the lake house, which works in getting her back to the lake house. Her biggest struggle is her inability to break up with Jack, which is great drama, but she’s so passive about it. What would you say her desire/goal is? Maybe I missed it.

I like the concept, the idea about how the creatures cause people to devolve and become violent. How Grayson starts hunting relates back to Shakes and the stuffed animals. But, I did wonder how come some of the group were impacted by the creatures (Jack, Riley, Scarlett) in a negative way and others weren’t (Layla, Grayson, Dee)?

Anyway, I hope something I said helped. Until next time.

BLB

Joseph: Gave the first ten a read: Most of my comments are of a technical nature.  

Don't think you need the title card. Just my opinion.

Quoted Text The Pattering of a CHILD’S FOOTSTEPS on a wooden floor.

Why capping the P in pattering. You can go with either:

The PATTERING of a child's footsteps on a wooden floor.

or

The pattering of a CHILD’S FOOTSTEPS on a wooden floor.

Quoted Text INT. UPPER PENINSULA, WISCONSIN LAKE HOUSE, NIGHT, 1970

Several problems. You are giving us an INT scene heading and then really describing the exterior AND the format for the header is wrong.

You end up starting in the Hallway - which really should be in your header so you don't have to tell us we're in the hallway.

If it were me, I start with an EXT view of the Lake House and a SUPER. e.g.,

EXT. LAKE HOUSE - NIGHT

Describe the outside of the Lake House, the setting - etc,

SUPER: WISCONSIN, UPPER PENINSULA: 1970

Continue with the action. Then

INT. LAKE HOUSE/HALLWAY - NIGHT

Wall to ceiling wood Paneling.

A young GIRL (4), bleached unkempt hair, face red from the
summer sun, scurries down the hallway - running away from something.

Quoted Text The young Girl delivers the Package to another young girl, ALICE (13). She is a nearly identical, older version of the first girl.

Don't describe the older Alice is a young girl - it's confusing (i.e., there are now two young girls) an unneeded.

Why cap the first letter in package?

Just.

The Young Girl delivers the Package to ALICE (13). She is a nearly identical, older version of the
first girl.

Quoted Text Alice watches the girl stare at her from the opening.

Be consistent with your characters. young Girl.

Would be a ton easier if you gave this young girl a name. I suspect you're not because of a twist coming. But it's confusing.

Quoted Text BACK TO SCENE The bedroom door swings open. The girl turns to find SHAKES (Pa) (30s) standing angrily in the doorway. He looks like

You don't need the (Pa)

Quoted Text The Girl stares at him, frightened. He notices the open closet door and on the back wall, the open passageway.

young Girl - last time I'll mention it. But it exists throughout.

Quoted Text INT. CRAWL SPACE

Quoted Text BACK TO SCENE

Not needed - you never left the scene.

Quoted Text INT. LAKE HOUSE, STAIRCASE, NIGHT

Make up your mind - use mini slugs or full slugs while in the house. Just don't be inconsistent. Based on the first few pages this should be:

STAIRCASE

Quoted Text INT. LAKE HOUSE, BEDROOM, NIGHT

See comment above. I notice this issue throughout - so last time I'll mention it.

Quoted Text INT. LAKE HOUSE, LIVING ROOM, NIGHT The living area is wall to wall with stuffed and mounted

You never need to mention a room in the description when it's in the header. e.g., the above should be:

LIVING ROOM

Walls stuffed with mounted...

Quoted Text EXT. LAKE HOUSE, NIGHT

Wrong format.

EXT. LAKE HOUSE - NIGHT

See this site for tips on headers:

https://www.storysense.com/format/headings.htm

Going to stop with the comments here. My overall opinion is that the dialogue is solid, the action is tense and compelling but the execution from a format and efficiency perspective is very sloppy.  It derails what is otherwise a compelling read.

Hope the notes help.

BLB,

Quoted Text I think it’s because Layla has no clear desire until later into the story, so everything up until then feels like much isn’t happening like there’s no clear track.

First, thank you for reading. I know it takes time and effort to read and provide feedback. I don't know why I didn't see it before but you are right. There is no real protagonist's goal. Layla should be like JLC in Halloween. She has a clear goal. Layla's should be similar. I will work on that for the next draft.


Dave,
Same. Thanks for the read. I always appreciate your advice.

The capitalized "P" came because I used the find/replace for "Pa", Shakes' original name.

Quoted Text Going to stop with the comments here. My overall opinion is that the dialogue is solid, the action is tense and compelling but the execution from a format and efficiency perspective is very sloppy.  It derails what is otherwise a compelling read.

I hate for the story to get lost in formatting sloppiness. I am going to make adjustments and corrections with this. This will be better with the next draft, I assure you.

Joseph

My pleasure