Forbidden Fruit by Timothy Lasiter - Short, Horror - This is the story of a Detective named Andrew. He is on a case of a suspicious death of a business man. The case becomes when he finds himself falling for the lead suspect, who happens to be a serial soul seeker. 25 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hi Timothy

A little work is needed here I feel.

First, the dialogue (Not all, but quite a lot) doesn't feel natural, some is a little on the nose.

Scenes - You put END SCENE every time a scene ends. I haven't seen this before and I don't think it is necessary - if you start a new scene it naturally signifies that the previous scene has ended

You need more sluglines and mini slugs, you have two people walking around a mansion talking with no new slug or mini slug to show us the change in location - I suggest researching these.

you also include a lot of stuff that is just not filmable - remember to write visually, this is a screenplay not a novel

All the best

Matt

Logline is sadly, very, very poorly written and I know what will follow in the actual script, so I'm not even going to open this up.

Hey, Timothy

A logline is a first impression.

Typically, a longline works best when it is a single concise statement that gives some sense of the main character, the inciting incident and some sense of the ending. You have the components, so it is mostly about how the logline is written. A poorly written longline can give the impression that you don't know what your story is about not to mention how it'll read.

"A private detective hired to expose an adulterer finds himself caught up in a web of deceit, corruption, and murder." - Chinatown (imdb)

BLB