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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Drama Scripts  ›  The Lottery
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Don
Posted: November 18th, 2018, 11:30am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Lottery by Fausto Lucignani - Short, Drama - A winning lottery ticket determines when an elderly man should die. 5 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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Matthew Taylor
Posted: November 19th, 2018, 5:32am Report to Moderator
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Hi Fausto

I'm sure I have seen your name on something else I have read. For the life of me, I can't remember what it was.

Anyway, this story

I think you overuse the ellipsis and don't use it correctly - I suggest researching this.

Generally, I didn't find the writing too bad - I could follow pretty easily. Can be sharpened up in places, and certain phrasing can be removed. Example -


Quoted Text
A cavernous voice rises from the chair in the direction of
Gilbert.
It is the voice of Primus Ghost the PowerDeath lottery's
CEO.


That second line is just not needed. The audience won't know who is speaking unless they are introduced. This is a case of telling the reader, not the audience.

I am also struggling to imagine what a cavernous voice sounds like - cavernous is a visual description.

There is also a lot of "looks like" in here -  "He looks confused" - you only need to write confused. Others will say don't give the actors direction. I say, conveying emotions/expressions/small physical cues can help set a tone/character etc - BUT, only when used when necessary, and not overdone - In this script, it is over done.

On to the Story.

I like the premise, don't much like the execution. Personally, I don't think the CEO ghost guy should be invisible - this is a visual medium after all - and him being invisible doesn't add anything, just takes away.

Also don't like the ending - This dream, is basically his "don't walk into the light" moment, where he either gives up or carries the fight - Seems to me he gives up by claiming his prize, but then he wakes up alive? - No repercussions to the story, just a bad dream.

Anyway, good job


Feature

42.2

Two steps to writing a good screenplay:
1) Write a bad one
2) Fix it
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Fausto
Posted: November 19th, 2018, 6:54pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Matt,
thank you for reading my short script. I will make the adjustments you suggested. regarding "cavernous" this adjective expresses a deep, echo-chamber- like effect...at least it was intent. Don't forget that this is a dream....everything is distorted and unreal.

Thanks again.
My best,
Fausto
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