The Painting by Oksana Shafetova  - Short, Horror - The teenage girl comes under danger when challenges herself to believe in the imaginary friend of her sister. 5 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hi, Oksana.

I liked the short, you kept me on my toes.
The only thing you paint them as good friends and then one turns on the other.  Also, would work better if Kate was an evil person and Mona was good. But it's vice versa. And sometimes through the story, you got me to think that Kate was indeed a bad one. I think a bit clearer character definitions would help the story.

Lots of parentheticals on pp's 2 and 3 took me out of the read. You don't even need those, I think. I wasn't reading them for one.

p2 probably needs to be "want me to prove it to you"
and a few other things need fixings. I'm actually not the best person for it, so if you read other scripts people reciprocate and read yours. And, they are very good at pointing out mistakes, lol. I thank God for that actually.

Overall it's a nice story.

Good luck to you with it.

Hey, Oskana

So, I really like this story, particularly the ending and how the picture spilled out into the basement with the fog and branches. There were some issues with the grammar in both the descriptive narrative and dialogue, however, it didn't distract too much from understanding the story. I thought maybe English was not your first language. I would recommend reading professional scripts. That has helped me with writing description.

BLB