Whitney: Good news and bad news. The bad news is that page one is filled with problems. The good news, is that the pages that follow are in much better shape. So - page one.
Quoted Text THE ANIMAL CATCHERS |
Don't put your title on the first page. That is what the title page is for.
Should be: FADE IN:
Quoted Text EXT. SAVANNAH FOREST-DAY |
Missing a spaces by the hyphen - should be:
EXT. SAVANNAH FOREST - DAY
Quoted Text A lion yawns and just as it is about to settle down raises
his ears and peering intently, (p.o.v.) notices a hardly
discernible dust cloud dancing in the shimmering heat. The
cloud gets nearer and clearer, and separates into three,
each trailing behind a dot. The dots become larger and
larger, so do the clouds trailing them as they advance. The
lion lies low as we hear GRINDING GEARS. He lion flicks one
ear.
THREE TRUCKS AND A JEEP are laboring uphill and getting
closer where the lion is. Suddenly the front one comes to a
halt.
INT. TRUCK CAB-DAY
TED MAXWELL, A weather-beaten man in his fifties with marked
lines on his face from narrowing his eyes against the sun,
cuts the engine. Beside him is NANCY, his wife about 40
years old.
Maxwell climbs out and holds his hand up for the other
trucks to stop. He is wearing full khaki bush gear. He drops
his hand and takes out a pair of binoculars from behind the
driver’s seat and SLAMS the door of the truck with a
hand-painted sign.
TED MAXWELL
BIG GAME HUNTER
KENYA
Maxwell walks around the front of the truck and lifts the
hood standing back from the cloud of steam that is gashing
out at him. He nods to one of THE CREW standing in the back
of the truck. The man jumps out with a 5-gallon can. He
tells the man in the local language, to wait for the engine
to cool off and starts off towards a rock outcrop some 50
feet away.
Maxwell walks past the lion 30 feet away to his left.
The lion is lying low watching him as he approaches a rock
outcrop. Maxwell heaves himself up after a couple of tries
and stands on the highest point of the rock. He squints his
eyes and peers into the distance with his naked eyes.
He peers through the dancing heat as he surveys the horizon.
He uses his binoculars to focus at a hint of green. He sees
the greenery much more focused now. He leaps from the
outcrop and heads almost for the lion. He suddenly stops in
his tracks as the lion rises to attack or flee. He
impulsively hurls the binoculars hitting the lion on the
side.
The lion takes off passing by the trucks to the DERISION and
CHEERS of the crew. |
All of this needs to be broken up by line spaces. Written as is, it would look like:
A lion yawns and just as it is about to settle down raises
his ears and peering intently, (p.o.v.) notices a hardly
discernible dust cloud dancing in the shimmering heat.
The cloud gets nearer and clearer, and separates into three,
each trailing behind a dot.
The dots become larger and larger, so do the clouds trailing them as they advance. The
lion lies low as we hear GRINDING GEARS. He lion flicks one
ear.
THREE TRUCKS AND A JEEP are laboring uphill and getting
closer where the lion is. Suddenly the front one comes to a
halt.
INT. TRUCK CAB - DAY
TED MAXWELL, A weather-beaten man in his fifties with marked
lines on his face from narrowing his eyes against the sun,
cuts the engine. Beside him is NANCY, his wife about 40
years old.
Maxwell climbs out and holds his hand up for the other
trucks to stop. He is wearing full khaki bush gear. He drops
his hand and takes out a pair of binoculars from behind the
driver’s seat and SLAMS the door of the truck with a
hand-painted sign: TED MAXWELL - BIG GAME HUNTER
KENYA.
Maxwell walks around the front of the truck and lifts the
hood standing back from the cloud of steam that is gashing
out at him.
He nods to one of THE CREW standing in the back
of the truck.
The man jumps out with a 5-gallon can. He
tells the man in the local language, to wait for the engine
to cool off and starts off towards a rock outcrop some 50
feet away.
Maxwell walks past the lion 30 feet away to his left.
The lion is lying low watching him as he approaches a rock
outcrop.
Maxwell heaves himself up after a couple of tries
and stands on the highest point of the rock. He squints his
eyes and peers into the distance with his naked eyes.
He peers through the dancing heat as he surveys the horizon.
He uses his binoculars to focus at a hint of green. He sees
the greenery much more focused now.
He leaps from the outcrop and heads almost for the lion. He suddenly stops in
his tracks as the lion rises to attack or flee. He
impulsively hurls the binoculars hitting the lion on the
side.
The lion takes off passing by the trucks to the DERISION and
CHEERS of the crew.
My recommendation is to add a space every time there is a discernible change in action. Try to avoid action blocks that are longer than 4 lines.
And the above still needs work from an efficiency and format perspective. For example - the lion should be CAPPED when first intro'd.
Write actively: e.g., this:
Quoted Text The lion is lying low watching him as he approaches a rock
outcrop.
|
Better as:
The lion lies low, watches him as he approaches a rock
outcrop.
You can't do this:
Quoted Text The man jumps out with a 5-gallon can. He
tells the man in the local language, to wait for the engine
to cool off and starts off towards a rock outcrop some 50
feet away. |
It should be something like:
The man jumps out with a 5-gallon can.
MAN
(Swahili, subtitled)
Wait for the engine
to cool off.
Overall - you need to avoid guessing how something should be done and start googling it. i.e., in the above - how to format subtitle in screenplay.
Read some scripts - will also help.
Like I said - the following pages are much improved - so you are the right path
Pages: 1
Author
The Animal Catchers
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