Had a look at this as requested.
You have painted a very grim place, and, not a very nice TV show. Like some kind of sex robot house of horrors.
Must admit though, I was confused about what was happening most of the way through. It might just be me not getting it, or maybe I missed something, I have written below the questions I am asking myself, if that helps.
- What does all this technology do? what does a motherboard, stuck behind a statue in a bathroom, have to do with anything? it's not explained and so confused me - same goes for the xbox controller, the rings - think the whole process of hacking could be better explained
- Who is Bertha? why is she raping a robot? Don't understand her relevance to the story
- Why is Modo doing what he is doing?
- Why is Athena different from the others? why can she act of her own free will?
- Why was Modo cutting his back?
- What happened to the Rasberry Pi Device, it was mentioned, then not heard from again - I don't think it was anyway
The descriptions and actions feel, clunky, for lack of a better word - They can be cut a lot I feel, there is a lot of "it is/ she looks/ starts to / turns to"
The read isn't smooth
I'll try and use an example as I am not great at explaining myself
Modo stands still by the Roman Soldier doll, carefully
ings Bertha. He has the engagement ring box in his hand.
Modo opens the ring box.
It contains two SMART RINGS. He places one on his finger. Modo puts one of the rings on his index finger.
takes a steps forward, with the other ring, and is about
tries to put the ring on the
male doll ï¿½s finger, but his clumsy
stagger pushes him into it
falls crashes to the floor, making a lot a lot of clanging.
and noise as it goes down
I have quickly done the above, I think it could be re-written entirely to make it better, but I am trying to highlight the over use of words. Hope it makes sense.
While I think about it, there are a lot of "ing" words as well, I believe action is supposed to be present
hesitantly pressing the blade on his hunch
Eg the above - he presses the blade, not pressing
I think you could shave a lot of pages off of this.
Other things I noticed -
- "has his own unique eccentric fashion style. He is every bit the
young, arrogant D-list celebrity" Show us what he is wearing, make it eccentric, don't tell us - also would like you to show me he is arrogant rather than tell.
- similes, I'm not a fan, not sure what the specific rule is - sometimes they can be great in properly showing what the writer means, but when you have used them, I already know what you mean, so they seem unnecessary
There were other comments I had but I have forgotten them lol.
Sorry if this seems overtly negative. I like the story, abused sex robot seeks bloody revenge, good stuff, I think it needs a bit more substance and clarity.
Good luck with it.
The above is obviously my inexperienced views, take from it what you will.
All the best