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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Thriller Scripts  ›  Little Mule Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: January 11th, 2019, 1:28pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Little Mule by Dena McKinnon - Thriller, Action - A teenage must become a drug mule and bond with the assassin assigned to kill her to save her mother. 96 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
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eldave1
Posted: January 11th, 2019, 8:59pm Report to Moderator
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Hey, Dena - checked out the first ten.

Cool vibe to this one - dark and dusty.

I liked the scorpion thing. Note: I would not refer to it as a spider (it's confusing and it's really not). But I think the scene is a bit too long - like by a third. Just have the thing hit right after:


Quoted Text
The scorpion stops. Its tail curls up. Then it crawls ahead
and in the cross hairs of the speeding truck



Quoted Text
A LOOK INSIDE THE BARRELS: POUNDS AND POUNDS OF COCAINE


Think this would work better right after we first see the barrels. Kind of comes out of nowhere.

The opening to the Thorn bedroom scene is also a bit long/over done. Consider having the room already candle lit with him hitting the bag in the corner. Just a thought.

You don't need this line.


Quoted Text
PIMP
Why donít you mind your own
business man.


The next one is great - I'd just go with that one.


Quoted Text
This is like using a .22 to kill a lion


Maybe BB gun?


Quoted Text
Thorn picks up dead pimp and drops him in a dumpster.


Little awkward. Maybe - Thorn drops the Pimp's corpse in a dumpster.

Some people will have problems with all of the asides you use - I kind of like them. Risky - but I was entertained.

The child calling the parent my the first name thing is kind of over done IMO - just seen it to many times.

Anyway - think you got something here. The characters are interesting as well as the premise.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Zack
Posted: January 11th, 2019, 10:57pm Report to Moderator
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Hey, Dena.

You know, I don't believe we've ever actually ever talked. I know you've worked with Pia a lot it, so you must be a talented writer. Just finished Dave's excellent comedy. Gonna read this one next. I like the title and the logline grabbed me. Will read though this in the coming days and give you my thoughts.

Zack
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pale yellow
Posted: January 14th, 2019, 4:00pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks Dave! Trying to get some notes before I tackle the rewrite. Thought this one was in the bag as I wrote it for someone in particular but it just didn't work out for some reason.. hoping the script isn't shit ya know.

Thank you Zack! Any advice ways to make this better always appreciated.


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eldave1
Posted: January 14th, 2019, 4:12pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from pale yellow
Thanks Dave! Trying to get some notes before I tackle the rewrite. Thought this one was in the bag as I wrote it for someone in particular but it just didn't work out for some reason.. hoping the script isn't shit ya know.

Thank you Zack! Any advice ways to make this better always appreciated.


What I read was pretty solid, Dena - just nits here and there


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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LC
Posted: January 14th, 2019, 6:17pm Report to Moderator
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Dena, wow, Nova turns out to be a one-man (whoops, woman) army.

Hope to have some notes for you shortly.

NB: Your logline needs a tweak - 'teenager' or 'teenage/teenaged girl' must become...


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pale yellow
Posted: January 14th, 2019, 8:48pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks girl! I wrote this thing over a three day brain drain. So it is rough.

One thing I just realized is that I never connect Thorn's reason for not killing women and his backstory.

I have an actor attached to this to play the part of Nova. Kennedy Brice. But for some reason the guy that was gonna produce it.. isn't. He said he loved the script but I could get more than he could pay. ??? Anyway so I'm trying to whip it into shape and get it out there.

Tried to make low budget. Could be filmed all in the US even though some of it takes place somewhere else. And that plane scene could be done with a skydiver and gopro and the real actors in a gym hanging from a rope. So I dunno if he really liked it or really hated it.

Thank you for reading. You guys that read, send me a feature to read for you. I'm ready to give notes.


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