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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    My Work In Progress  ›  Adolescence Moderators: bert
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MStandage
Posted: January 12th, 2019, 3:34am Report to Moderator
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Logline - Confused about how to treat women, a young man learns a valuable lesson. Pdf (10pgs)

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1kQEIk1NmSBPPKqFzXWr6Dfa0OaZXD88D/view?usp=sharing

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MStandage  -  January 15th, 2019, 11:14am
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Clark
Posted: January 13th, 2019, 2:09pm Report to Moderator
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I liked it. I like the idea of the boy trying to decide who's advice is wrong or mom's. I look forward to seeing how it works out.
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MStandage
Posted: January 14th, 2019, 10:54pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks Clark.
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Dreamscale
Posted: January 15th, 2019, 8:57am Report to Moderator
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[quote=MStandage]Logline - Confused about how to treat woman, a young man learns a valuable lesson. Pdf (10pgs)

Not a good start when you have a mistake in your logline.  I'm assuming "woman" should be "women", unless you're going for caveman speak.  



To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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MStandage
Posted: January 15th, 2019, 11:26am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Dreamscale
[quote=MStandage]Logline - Confused about how to treat woman, a young man learns a valuable lesson. Pdf (10pgs)

Not a good start when you have a mistake in your logline.  I'm assuming "woman" should be "women", unless you're going for caveman speak.  



I don't know how I missed that. Thanks dreamscale.
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Dreamscale
Posted: January 15th, 2019, 1:58pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from MStandage
I don't know how I missed that. Thanks dreamscale.


You got it!

Logline looks MUCH better now!



To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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eldave1
Posted: January 16th, 2019, 5:36pm Report to Moderator
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Michael - well written. Pretty solid craftsmanship.

The following is just my view - have no idea if it's valid - just my thoughts.


Quoted Text
TOM
Fine. You wanna be a gentleman. Don't
treat her like an object, treat her
like an artifact.

KAREN
Oh okay. So just a more precious
object? You jackass, Tom.


The joke lands without the explanation from Karen. Her explaining it in the next line takes away from it,


Quoted Text
TYLER (V.O.)
My mom complains about how my dad
treats her, but it can't be that bad,
she's been with him over twenty
years.


I would move this thought up to when Karen and his father are arguing. Make it - you've been with him for more than twenty years. How bad can it be?

Page 7:


Quoted Text
TOM (V.O.)
Tyler, treat that girl like an
object, she'll like you even more for
it.

KAREN (V.O.)
Tyler, you be a gentleman, and treat
Meghan like a princess!

TOM (V.O.)
Don't do it Tyler. Nice guys finish
last.

TYLER (V.O.)
My mom complains about how my dad
treats her, but it can't be that bad,
she's been with him over twenty
years.

Meghan's face is now redder than a ripe tomato and she looks
like she's about to get up and walk out...

KAREN (V.O.)
Don't listen to your father Tyler.

TYLER (V.O.)
You know, sometimes I think dad's
drunken advice or more sober than you
think.


Is over cooked IMO. I think just the one V.O from Tom and Karen does the trick. We get it - he's debating the issue. i.e., maybe:

TOM (V.O.)
Tyler, treat that girl like an
object, she'll like you even more for
it.

KAREN (V.O.)
Tyler, you be a gentleman, and treat
Meghan like a princess!

Meghan's face is now redder than a ripe tomato and she looks
like she's about to get up and walk out...



Quoted Text
TYLER
(Condescendingly, and
loud enough that
other tables
overhear)
Well, now I know why you don't eat
pork.


That's a really long parenthetical. How about
(loud-condescending)


Quoted Text
MEGHAN
Did you seriously just call me a pig?


I thought the pig thing was thematically off - I took the father's advice is to objectify - as in sexually - rather than to insult.


Quoted Text
Tyler is devastated.


I think confused would be a better choice.


Quoted Text
KAREN
Tyler, I'm divorcing your father.


A little too quick. Maybe something like:

KAREN
You should never take advice about women from a man who doesn't have one.

TYLER
What...?

KAREN
I'm divorcing your father.

Anyway - just my thoughts - nice work.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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MStandage
Posted: January 17th, 2019, 4:55pm Report to Moderator
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Dave - thanks for taking the time to read my work.

I agree with you that the artifact joke doesn't need an explanation from Karen. I thought people wouldn't get it. Never underestimate your audience I guess haha.

I see where you're coming from about the pig thing. However, I think it still works because Tyler's reaction is up to his interpretation of how to practice his Dad's advice. I tried to convey Tom as being a witty jerk, and then have Tyler ultimately decide to follow in his footsteps. The short is actually part of a feature I'm writing, and I think it makes more sense in the feature because we get to know Tom more. At least that's what I'm hoping.

You gave me a lot to think about.  

Thanks a million.

Michael  
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eldave1
Posted: January 17th, 2019, 4:59pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from MStandage
Dave - thanks for taking the time to read my work.

I agree with you that the artifact joke doesn't need an explanation from Karen. I thought people wouldn't get it. Never underestimate your audience I guess haha.

I see where you're coming from about the pig thing. However, I think it still works because Tyler's reaction is up to his interpretation of how to practice his Dad's advice. I tried to convey Tom as being a witty jerk, and then have Tyler ultimately decide to follow in his footsteps. The short is actually part of a feature I'm writing, and I think it makes more sense in the feature because we get to know Tom more. At least that's what I'm hoping.

You gave me a lot to think about.  

Thanks a million.

Michael  


No problem- best of luck


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Matthew Taylor
Posted: January 18th, 2019, 8:30am Report to Moderator
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Hello

I agree with everything eldave has said - I'll add some extra thoughts of my own

Below is just my opinion;

a few little sentences and words here and there I felt were unnecessary. such as:

"give us a good idea of what kind of person he is."
"With this, a WAITRESS comes to take their order." - don't think we need the With this part
"Right off the bat" - the scene has just opened, so we already know it's right off the bat

I was also a little bit thrown by Karen's overreaction at the end. For me, Tyler's comment wasn't enough to spark the GET OUT reaction.


Quoted Text
Shamefully...

TYLER
I took Dad's advice.


For the above, I would either make the action more descriptive, like he hangs his head in shame, or, if it's the way he delivers his dialogue, move it into parenthetical.

Don't see the point in all of the ... you have at the end of action blocks.


Quoted Text
she just
walked out of 1990's Tim McGraw music video.


Will enough people/script readers get this reference to be worth including it? I didn't get the reference but that doesn't mean anything, I don't get most references.

I'm not a fan of similes/descriptive references in scripts (Probably just me) unless they really help to visualise something that is difficult to describe or would involve too many descriptors to properly convey. In other words, is it necessary?

I'm done. Overall, good job.

Regards

Matt

I wasn't done lol Just thought of something else.

The opening, I cannot help but think that setting up this scene can be done better. The slug for example, just says "House" - then you go on to describe a sitting and kitchen area in one room. (just noticed you call it a living area, then later a sitting area - is this the same area?)

INT. HOUSE - OPEN PLAN KITCHEN/SITTING ROOM - NIGHT

Is the above slug line too much? I don't know

OK, now I'm done

Matt


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MStandage
Posted: January 19th, 2019, 11:11pm Report to Moderator
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Matthew - thanks for taking the time.

Karenís reaction at the end is a bit overboard. My intention was for her to break Tyler out of his little act where heís trying to be more like his father, instead of himself. In the feature, this is more clear because we get to know Tyler at such a deeper level. Thanks for pointing it out though, I need to rewrite Karenís reaction, because even in the feature it doesnít warrant such a reaction.

I agree on putting (shamefully...) in a parenthetical. I think it works better that way as well.

... I like to use these when a characterís action is leading directly into their dialogue. After reading your comment though, I looked back through the script and I do overuse them. Iím not even sure what the rules are for using ellipses in action/description Haha.

Ahh the similes. Iím a fan of them when used sparingly. IMHO I think they help to set tone and add voice. Iíve read quite a few pro scripts that use them sparingly as well. Theyíre proís and Iím not, but after reading pro scripts and trying to imitate them, Iíve noticed my writing getting a little better.

Again, thanks for taking the time.

All the best

Michael
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