- takes a sit on the floor; sits or takes a seat?
- He reaches into his trousers pocket; trouser pocket
- The dog waves it's tail; its tail
- The dog waves it's tail, follows Dean into the house. The
front door squeaks loud as it cracks open; possibly better is ... follows Dean to the house. The front door squeaks loud as it cracks open - otherwise the door opening follows the entry into the house.
- Mother! What happened; bit odd - is Dean English? Mother is almost archaic; a bit Norman Bates too
- I am so sorry!; i don't think anyone actually talks like this, especially when undergoing emotional stress - this section of dialogue needs to be looked at, too many exclamation marks and the like.
- Martin pecks the photo in his hand; uh?
- We all are in bad moods; are all in a bad mood - and this is what on-the-nose dialogue is
By p7. it's meandered too much, and this bad-news-on-bad-news belongs more to a feature that a short - the first four pages could have be condensed into one/two pages with some simple dialogue: cut from prof to Mom 'n' son outside Dad's bedroom and then start cutting to the chase, so that we know where this is heading and start getting into the meat of the story - and the payoff needs to be executed better too - there's no struggle to achieve the goal.