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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    January 2019 -  One Week Challenge  ›  Postcards - OWC
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  Author    Postcards - OWC  (currently 435 views)
Don
Posted: February 1st, 2019, 10:48pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Postcards by The Mailman - Short, RomCom - When promised postcards never arrive, a man wonders if the meet cute was real or in his head. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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Cam Gray
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 8:46am Report to Moderator
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Hey "The Mailman" (that name sounds like a horror waiting to be written),

Okay, there's scenes upon scenes that don't really do anything here apart from take up space, sorry if that seems harsh but given the sheer amount of scripts this time round attention spans will get short very quickly and you just need to keep us hooked somehow. It's okay, but just okay, no real surprises.

Romance? It's definitely there. Comedic value? Not really, its charming but not that funny.

The chocolates and flowers just kinda appear as an afterthought, the red pen and heart, that's more interesting.

Anyway, it's not for me but none the less well done.

Cam


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hawkeye
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 6:12pm Report to Moderator
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So my dos centavos...

I liked this for what it was, a charming little story about almost missing out on something that was important to him (and apparently to her).  The story is well-written, the dialogue isn't wooden, and Michael and Priya work well together.

What didn't work for me was all the time spent with Jason -- I think if I were looking at this as a producer, I would want way less of him and more time spent on the little moments like at the mailbox, or him searching things on the computer, or doing other things to show how he's smitten with her.  That would get this down to maybe five pages and that's all you need for a story like this.

But the writing is top-notch and it's well-told, so good job there.

Best,
Gary


My web site and scripts can be found here:

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Dreamscale
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 7:38pm Report to Moderator
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Before I even open the script, I see the following Logline, "When promised postcards never arrive, a man wonders if the meet cute was real or in his head.", and I say out loud, Huh?  WTF?  Makes ZERO sense and is a terrible start.

"20s" - As I always say, pick an age that's appropriate for your charters and story.  20 and 29 are worlds away.

Through Page 3, I'm torn, as there's really nothing not to like, yet it all comes off so sweet and sugary, and far from real.  Again, knowing their ages would help...or hurt...as life changes alot between 20 and 29.  These two sound much more like 17 or 18 year olds.

Through Page 4, I feel exactly the same as earlier.  Not much I can complain about, but it doesn't feel remotely real.  These peeps are too proper and nice.

SKIP the JUMPCUTS!!!  You don't need them and no one wants to read them.

I think the fantasy scene is a waste.

Well, and we're done.  I think you nailed all the parameters.  ROMCOM, yeah, light on the COM, but the "feel" is definitely here.

I don't really get the ending about the wet ink and what the woman told Priya. I also didn't get the Seattle reference - if this is set in Seattle, you missed a golden opportunity by not setting this up right from the beginning.

My issues really come down how over the top redonkulously sugary sweet this all is.  Maybe there's a fan base in the Hallmark movies, or afterschool specials from the 70's, but in terms of this being taken remotely for real?  I sure can't.

I think you missed badly on the ages of the characters.  I'd go much younger or MUCH, MUCH older.  peps in their 20's don't act like this.

The male characters here don't come off at all like guys are in real life.  Nor does the story, if that makes sense.  Anyhow, it's a solid effort, pretty well written, and easy to read.

***1/2



To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Warren
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 1:54am Report to Moderator
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Hi Writer,

So the logline makes no sense, hopefully Don made a typo and not you. Will see how the script goes. No points off for a bad logline, it's all about the script.

Some of the initial dialogue is on the nose.

I think the 3 scenes of him collecting mail would be better written as a group of shots. You could achieve the exact same result in probably half the lines. I think it would look better on the page as well, personal preference.

About half way through and the on-the-nose dialogue seems to be throughout the script.

Same suggestion with the next 3 mailbox scenes.

Not much comedy, and I feel like the romance was missed in a way. We don't really see them develop a relationship in any meaningful way. They have a semi-flirty chat, she sends postcards that make the relationship seem deeper than you've allowed us to see, and then they get together.

I don't know, it was just missing something, and that something was a bigger connection early on. I think without the constraints of the OWC you can build that and make a great little short.

You do need to work on that dialogue though.

All the best.


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Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Warren  -  February 7th, 2019, 3:50pm
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eldave1
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 3:10pm Report to Moderator
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Hmm.

Stretches the parameters quite a bit IMO. The roses and chocolates are a mere throw-away after thought on page 10 of the story - like - oops - got to get the props in. It literally could have been anything.

The writing is good. Got a bit slow in the middle.

I think it works better without Jason.

There is talent here.  



My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 6:54pm Report to Moderator
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I liked this one. And it's way more fun picking out postcards than sending an anonymous email. You can even give it a spritz with some nice perfume. Can you do that with email? Na-ah. Maybe in the future.  

Is there a reason you chose Thailand for her destination of choice? Couldn't it have been a more romantic place? Like Paris or something?  

The only other thing is I have to wonder why so many guy's that have so called friends seem to act like jerks in scripts.

All in all, a solid effort with a nice happy ending. Happy happy joy joy!  

Sandra




A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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Vincent
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 7:13pm Report to Moderator
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It's got lots of charm, but little humor. Minimize Jason's role in this and replace him with a funny scene involving Michael's pining for Priya. You're in the right emotional neighborhood, though. Keep working.
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LC
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 7:50pm Report to Moderator
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I think the annoying sidekick/best buddy is a well worn but often colourful device in RomComs. However,  the comedic zingers need to have some bite and be funny.

Jason says: 'smitten kitten' - eek! Really?

Writer, you've definitely written more to formula with this one  - no rubber dildos or over the top cursing in this one,
and zero violence, thankfully, but ithe plot is still a bit too smooth for my liking and nothing jumps out comedy wise with snappy dialogue.

I think you needed to compound that last 'obstacle to love' just a touch more too. Not quite hitting it out of the ball park yet.

Thank you for sticking to the type of thing I imagined though.
It's nice work that you can work more on after the challenge.



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irish eyes
Posted: February 4th, 2019, 1:32pm Report to Moderator
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A cute story with very little comedy if any.. flipping each other off is not exactly comedy gold.

The romantic side was definitely there, not sure you really needed the fantasy in such a short script

Overall the writing was pretty good and flowed it easily

Good job on entering


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StevenClark
Posted: February 4th, 2019, 10:02pm Report to Moderator
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Writer,

Congrats. You get too marks for this one. It definitely has humor and romance. A mistake is made, then when all hope seems lost... well, we all know the rest. Although I almost puked when Jason, the so-called jock, said “smitten kitten.” Wth were you thinking? I jest. Probably the closest to adhering to the challenge parameters, and probably my favorite so far ( althoigh I still have like sixty left to read).

Steve


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Matthew Taylor
Posted: February 5th, 2019, 10:37am Report to Moderator
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Hello writer - I'm jumping in, I hope this one delivers (see what I did there  )

Him wearing gloves so not to wash off the heart was cute, nice touches like this add to the romance.

The JUMP CUTS might have worked better as a Montage to be honest - shot's of him opening and closing the mail box, each shot getting quicker, each time his face is more and more desperate.

The dialogue isn't the worst I've seen, but it's not the best - Could do with revisiting.

Yes! A ROM-COM! Hallelujah

You have something here, a lovely story - The going to the restaurant late and she's gone, classic.

Personally I would lose that big speech Priya does at the end - I would also make it a bit more dramatic in the way he finds her - Like, she is only back in the country for that 1 night before going away again, so he has to track her down quick - I dunno, something.

Anyway - Solid entry

Matt


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Angry Bear
Posted: February 5th, 2019, 3:03pm Report to Moderator
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I was ready to write down my thoughts while reading this one, but...  Before I knew it, it was over!

I liked this one a LOT. Ticked all the boxes for me. I have nothing to add. Best one I've read so far.

Congratulations writer!  


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_ghostwriter
Posted: February 5th, 2019, 10:41pm Report to Moderator
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Well this definitely felt more like a straightforward rom-com.   It was good writing overall, I just wanted more from the dialogue.  Didn't fall in love with it, per se.  My only "nitpick" is a minor one: I don't think you needed the jump cuts.  

Kudos for finishing.


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PKCardinal
Posted: February 7th, 2019, 3:44pm Report to Moderator
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Another actual romcom. Yes!

If ever there was a genre where sticking to a formula helps... it's romcom. Give us all the sappy little turns we expect and we'll be happy. And, you did it. So, points for that.

There are multiple opportunities for tightening. Not sure the buddy added much, but if you decide to keep him, try out some different dialogue. I agree with others on the "series of shots." vs. how you handled the mailbox.

Good job on the little heart on his hand. Nice touch. (Though the description of the moment was confusing to me. I had to read it several times to understand what you meant.) Chocolates and roses not so much. (Who cares though, outside of the OWC.)

High marks for writing an actual romcom.

Thanks for sharing!


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