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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    January 2019 -††One Week Challenge  ›  Swedish Number - OWC
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  Author    Swedish Number - OWC  (currently 587 views)
Don
Posted: February 1st, 2019, 11:02pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Swedish Number by Bills & Moon - Short, RomCom - A lonely Londoner reaches out to a random voice on the phone. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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StevenClark
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 1:39pm Report to Moderator
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Writer,

Maybe itís me, but Iím not sure what this ďtalk to a SwedeĒ thing is all about, or whatever it is. Never heard of it or maybe Iím out of the loop. I think itís the latter. Anyway, it was hard for this to resonate with me, and it did seem like just a rather long meet cute without much happening. But I do get the sentiment, just didnít work for me.

Steve


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irish eyes
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 1:54pm Report to Moderator
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A UK writer

This is very rough read as far as story goes back and forth on the phone with Swedish people trying to find Saga..

you have Melisa on page 5 ??? I'm guessing a mistake.

Sorry this didn't work for me as a captivating story.
Good job on entering


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Dreamscale
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 2:05pm Report to Moderator
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Up to Page 3 and basically, we have a 1 scene situation with a phone conversation, and almost nothing going on in the actual scene.  That's a problem...a big problem.

Page 5 - Who is "Melisa"?  WTF?

I assumed Saga was male?  If not, you DEFINITELY need to clear that up.

Page 8 - Be careful when using "CONTINUOUS" as your Slug time. The way you used it here is not correct, as time has passed between the 2 scenes.

OK, the end.  Listen, there's nothing inherently wrong here.  It's even cute at times.  Problem is it's extremely predictable and very dull, visually.  We really don't get to see much life from Rose and obviously, never see Saga on the other end of the line.  Parameter-wise, rather weak on all 3 - roses, chocolates, and red.  Comedy-wise, again, rather weak, although I do see some attempts at humor.

It's not bad by any means.

**


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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James McClung
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 2:31pm Report to Moderator
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- "Rose, 40s" - Clever. I considered doing this myself. But the challenge says roses plural. You better have more than one by the time I finish, or points off!

- "I have spoken to forty-seven Rose Durnhamís since I spoke to my very first Rose.Ē - Well played.

Not much to say about this one. I expect you'll get a lot of flack for not having a "proper" plot. It did take a while for the point to reveal itself, but in hindsight I'm struck with a naturalistic (arguable), mumblecore kinda vibe, which doesn't bother me and I'll take it as is if that was the intended effect. Not particularly humorous though.

Idea is cute. Writing is fine. Sort of a soft take on the challenge. Not a good or bad thing necessarily, although I don't expect this to be a standout. Good job entering in any case.


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heyDaddyStudios
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 6:56pm Report to Moderator
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I didnít even register your uses of the elements, which could be my fault as a lazy reader XD I realized after, and thought Rose as a name was very clever.

Strong beginning, very weak middle, typical Rom Com end. The conflict is a little airy because the only suspense is her making her a lot of wrong calls and throwing her phone around. Itís just not enough to keep me interested.

The end was pretty predictable, but isnít that kind of the whole point of Rom Com?

I think the biggest thing here is there isnít enough room in the challenge to make this a visually interesting story. Oddly enough, Iíve seen A Perfect Man, which is essentially this story, so that might not be helping you.
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Matthew Taylor
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 7:29pm Report to Moderator
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I got the "call a Swede" reference as I saw this on an episode of QI - Most people who read this might not know what it is - I think you explain it enough in the story - I can't tell because I alrady knew what it was lol

If this was an actual movie, I don't think I would watch it - There's not a whole lot visually going on, not enough drama to keep me hooked.

I didn't really care if Rose found Saga again - does that make me a bad person? - As I didn't feel a big chemistry between them in the beginning.

I like the originality of it - But feel something big is missing.

Well done on completing the challenge

Matt


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Mr. Blonde
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 11:38pm Report to Moderator
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I enjoyed this one. A 10-page meet-cute. It was straightforward and the dialogue seemed fitting. Don't really have too much in the negative category because I think I only saw two missed commas. This was just all-around good.


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Warren
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 3:09am Report to Moderator
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Hi Writer,

A phone conversation is a (V.O) not (O.S.). (O.S.) means off screen, as in the character is physically in the scene but not on screen at the time.

4 pages of phone conversation would not make for the most riveting viewing.

Who is Melissa?

Lots more phone conversations later on it the script as well.

Its a pretty decent idea but I feel like the execution is very lacking. The phone conversations need to be injected with more action, something more visual than what you have at the moment.

Congrats on getting an entry in.

All the best.


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eldave1
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 2:18pm Report to Moderator
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Didn't quite get it. I was dazed and confused.

One I think I have to re-read later


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: February 4th, 2019, 3:39pm Report to Moderator
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This has potential, but I was confused throughout.

I just decided to imagine it was some kind of dating service, but then there was something about tourism and I didn't know.

The motivation seemed overdone. Like how Rose felt so in love after just a little conversation.

Why would Rose say, "Damn!" when her food is delivered. That seemed overdone, too.

Still, it's an interesting idea.

Sandra



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Cam Gray
Posted: February 4th, 2019, 5:02pm Report to Moderator
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Hey there writer,

Ahhhh, the Visit Sveeeeden campaign, I missed it but may give them a call myself...it was quite charming, this was. Creative use of Rose, the chocolate was funny, the story was exceptionally well written and the pacing and what not never dragged or got bogged down in pointless dialogue. I could clearly visualise it and thatís a good sign.

Is it a romcom? Not sure. It was quite light on the comedy if it was, but it is subjective so who knows. Definitely romantic, however.

A goodie, Iíd say.

Cam


23 Mu Muís in an ice cream van...
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LC
Posted: February 5th, 2019, 1:27am Report to Moderator
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'not any old Swede' - funny.
Not all of the comedy landed for me: I think she'd know take-away having been schooled by watching Ellen. Away-take kept pulling me up.

I'm not sure if there's enough quite yet via zinger comedic lines, so another draft might well be in order, but this was original and quirky and amusing in a unique way. And romantic.

I really liked it!

Clever with the parameters too.

P.S. I assumed this was two women finding their way into each other's hearts. The only Saga I'm familiar with is this one:

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Saga_Norťn

And what a character she was. Great series.



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hawkeye
Posted: February 5th, 2019, 11:05pm Report to Moderator
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It was cute, it had bits of humor to it.  It had chocolate, and you had a reference to a Rose, but no flowers, and I'm not sure the romance was actually there.  Maybe they were just becoming friends but not romantic.

THe writing is good, and think most people will like this.  Good effort here.

Best,
Gary


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_ghostwriter
Posted: February 6th, 2019, 1:46am Report to Moderator
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I read this when it was first posted, but didn't have much to say.  Today I came back to take a second look.  In a nutshell I was torn between thumbs up, or thumbs down.  There is absolutely such a thing as too much dialogue.  Movies are a visual medium... just a tidbit, but I'm sure you know this.  

I liked it.  Dialogue feels smart. Yeah, could be funny depending on delivery.  Yeah, I got some chuckles out of it.  And I do see the rom/com part.  Saga, man or woman?  

Kudos for finishing.


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