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I liked this one. I'm not sure if it was intentional, but you telegraphed the twist here early on. Still, that didn't detract from the read. I do think you could've gone one step further with this idea if you really wanted to, but for a week, I enjoyed it. An old-school Ray Bradbury-type story. With the exception of a couple missing commas and hyphens, it was a clean read.
Finally, got two minutes to myself to actually start joining in lol
The ending was given away pretty early on, so I was expecting a twist at the end that didn't come. A nice story, I felt for the guy, which was good. I didn't see any attempts at comedy though, more of a sad tale.
An easy brisk read, only one thing took me out of the read and that was I think a missing slug/mini slug when the guy moved from the bathroom to the bedroom - But other than that pretty good.
First, lemme just say, the more I read these, rom coms are so far out of my wheelhouse...
Nice premise, good setting. Nothing to comment about that wouldn't be picking nits. But I'm not sure how I feel about the ending. I know I was expecting a twist, but not that one. It's kinda solemn. Oh well.
The humor was lacking, but that's subjective. But I have no dog in this fight.
Overall... I did like this one. Kudos for finishing.
As it was only seven pages, you could've added a comedic twist at the end. Perhaps "Alice" is reprogrammed, becomes emotional and sexually insatiable and simply overwhelms John. (And we don't have any explanation for Alice the android; did her human self die in an accident after giving birth to Owen?) Charming, poignant even, but adding comedy would have made this dish extremely flavorful.
It's a tough go, I know, but let's go for the gusto.
Try and be clear with your slug line. Instead of only Story, write Gift Store.
What kind of clerk? Male? Female?
>The CLERK makes a ďthatís cuteĒ face.
Thatís a good description.
When John points to the chocolates and says, ďBelgian chocolatesĒ, it seemed peculiar. The clerk can see what they are.
One thing to learn here, is the need to understand what youíre trying to accomplish in a scene. Itís apparent that itís just kind of a wandering scene without much in terms of motivation or anything. Itís bland.
John doesnít seem to be alive. Do you see what I mean? Try reading it out loud.
The Clerk says, ďHer favourites I hopeĒ. I would hope so, too. But it sounds silly.
I donít think a red teddy bear is a stupid over the top gift.
It feels to me, at this point, that you have not been enjoying writing this. It feels that way, but what is showing up on the page is a disconnect. Emotionally, a writer needs to "feel" it. When we don't it's a tough go because it shows on the page. And yes, it's tough to always "feel it". It's a lot of work.
Who is Owen?
Why havenít they (our couple) seen each other in a long time?
You had a good longline and a good idea for a premise. My advice is to set this aside, continue to write and then at some point down the road, read it again with fresh eyes.
Your characters need to have motivation. Itís motivation that provides the landscape shall we say, for their actions and dialogue. Start thinking in terms of Johns status quo first off. How was his day so far? Whatís he all about? What does he love, hate... anything, but give him some feelings.
Is he excited about seeing his wife after a long time? Is he scared? Unsure?
If youíve been together with someone for thirty years, Valentines isnít necessarily a big thing anymore. Maybe he wants to make it into something again. Or maybe... What?
Set yourself free to imagine all the possibilities.
Good job for entering and keep writing and especially too, reading. It will help a lot.
I did wonder too... But then read 'she' relating to the Clerk.
You spell out a number further down but then previously write: 30 year anniversary. Oversight? I thought of a similar idea myself but couldn't get it off the ground. As I said in a previous thread, I'm a huge fan of this:
I think you did a not bad job with this, but for me it's missing passion and life. John's so reserved, patient. I wanted emotion.
He lost his wife, he gets her back and I suppose the whole point is 'real things/people' can't be recreated so he waits...
The picture is captioned: Should have been 30 years today.
Personally I think it'd be more powerful if you use the latter line only:
Will love you forever.
Definitely a good idea and I'd be happy to read another draft. If you do one, that is. ... P.S. No real comic relief to speak of. Perhaps she smells the chocolates, starts to eat the flowers. She probably can't eat anything but you get what I mean.
It was a bit dry, but maybe thatís the tone you were looking for?
The part where he is getting himself and the room ready feels very slow and drawn out. I understand the importance of the situation being perfect, but it lost me a bit there, and it was a little hard to get back into it after. Try trimming the fat off that scene.
I wish people had been a little more ďout-of-the-boxĒ with the props, but itís a personal taste thing. For me, chocolates and roses being a gift for a loved one doesnít make it integral to the story. The fact that itís an anniversary tradition makes it barely important.
All things aside, nice sci fi short that I would enjoy watching!
The writing here is pretty solid, and it's an interesting story. You got all the elements of the challenge except the one that is the most important to a rom-com, and that's comedy. There's no humor here at all. Maybe at the very end when we find out she needs charging. But even that's a little sad realizing that he's in love with a robot.
Still decent writing on display here, so good effort.
Okay, so you had a good, not original, premise that wasn't executed to its potential. I have no clue why the husband would think an AI - she's an AI right? - would be able to take the place of his long lost wife. Asking a bit too much, I think. So that doesn't seem to make sense. Still, it's a bit endearing that the husband would want to recreate something like that - it shows his love for Alice. But wait. This is a rom com! So, John's attempt at romance with Alice failed, and there really wasn't any humor at all. Darn thing was sad! Nice try.