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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    January 2019 -††One Week Challenge  ›  30 Years - OWC
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  Author    30 Years - OWC  (currently 623 views)
Don
Posted: February 1st, 2019, 11:04pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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30 Years by - Sam I. - Short, RomCom, Dramedy - A man celebrates his thirtieth wedding anniversary with his wife, with whom he's been away from for some time. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

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Don  -  February 1st, 2019, 11:04pm
forgot to add - OWC
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Mr. Blonde
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 2:54pm Report to Moderator
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What good are choices if they're all bad?

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I liked this one. I'm not sure if it was intentional, but you telegraphed the twist here early on. Still, that didn't detract from the read. I do think you could've gone one step further with this idea if you really wanted to, but for a week, I enjoyed it. An old-school Ray Bradbury-type story. With the exception of a couple missing commas and hyphens, it was a clean read.


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Cam Gray
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 3:01pm Report to Moderator
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Hey there Sam I (not your name I hope? Not because itís a bad name, just the challenge was anonymous),

Anyway, itís yet another one I donít think fits the brief. Comedy I understand is subjective, but there isnít really anything comedic here. Iíd class this more as a drama, sci-fi short.

Itís touching and quite a nice little story, but itís not really a romcom. Other opinions may vary but thatís mine.

Anyway, best of luck with it,

Cam


23 Mu Muís in an ice cream van...
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Matthew Taylor
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 7:11pm Report to Moderator
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Finally, got two minutes to myself to actually start joining in lol

The ending was given away pretty early on, so I was expecting a twist at the end that didn't come. A nice story, I felt for the guy, which was good. I didn't see any attempts at comedy though, more of a sad tale.

An easy brisk read, only one thing took me out of the read and that was I think a missing slug/mini slug when the guy moved from the bathroom to the bedroom - But other than that pretty good.

Well done on your entry

Matt


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_ghostwriters
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 12:10am Report to Moderator
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First, lemme just say, the more I read these, rom coms are so far out of my wheelhouse...

Nice premise, good setting. Nothing to comment about that wouldn't be picking nits.  But I'm not sure how I feel about the ending.  I know I was expecting a twist, but not that one.  It's kinda solemn.  Oh well.

The humor was lacking, but that's subjective.  But I have no dog in this fight.

Overall... I did like this one.  Kudos for finishing.


A-CAROLING FOR CHRISTMAS

GHOSTS OF APPALOOSA

RISE OF THE AMAZONS

THE SLEEPING TIGER

THE TIME GUARDIAN

"When I dive... I go deep, only to surface the hub when necessary."

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Warren
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 5:15am Report to Moderator
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Hi Writer,

So this is maybe a romantic drama? I realise you opted to add dramedy to you genre, but I'm not getting any comedy from this at all. Its all quite sad actually.

You hit all the other parameters but in the absence of comedy this doesn't get there for me.

Makes for a good short in its own right.

All the best.


To View All My Scripts Please Use The Link Below

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eldave1
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 12:59pm Report to Moderator
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Well written - good skill set here.

Perfectly met the prop portion of the challenge but not so much the comedic portion of the challenge - more of a sci-fi drama thing.

Nice work.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Dreamscale
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 1:19pm Report to Moderator
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Roses and flowers accounted for in 2nd passage, but will they have anything to do with the story?  Let's find out...

And I'd say they're fine, as was "red", but nothing much.

ROMCOM?  No.  Anything remotely humorous?  No...not even an attempt.

Writing-wise, it's well done, but very sterile and dull.

Not much else to say, really, as I don't see any effort here to write within the genre given.

*


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.

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Dreamscale  -  February 5th, 2019, 9:51pm
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irish eyes
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 4:46pm Report to Moderator
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Well this was depressing for a rom com I thought Alice had Amnesia at one point which would have been more sentimental but still no comedic value whatsoever.


It's like you wrote your own script outside of the owc and just entered.

The writing was great but the story not for this challenge

Good job on entering


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Vincent
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 5:22pm Report to Moderator
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As it was only seven pages, you could've added a comedic twist at the end. Perhaps "Alice" is reprogrammed, becomes emotional and sexually insatiable and simply overwhelms John. (And we don't have any explanation for Alice the android; did her human self die in an accident after giving birth to Owen?) Charming, poignant even, but adding comedy would have made this dish extremely flavorful.
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: February 4th, 2019, 4:50pm Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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It's a tough go, I know, but let's go for the gusto.

Try and be clear with your slug line. Instead of only Story, write Gift Store.

What kind of clerk? Male? Female?

>The CLERK makes a ďthatís cuteĒ face.

Thatís a good description.

When John points to the chocolates and says, ďBelgian chocolatesĒ, it seemed peculiar. The clerk can see what they are.

One thing to learn here, is the need to understand what youíre trying to accomplish in a scene. Itís apparent that itís just kind of a wandering scene without much in terms of motivation or anything. Itís bland.

John doesnít seem to be alive. Do you see what I mean? Try reading it out loud.

The Clerk says, ďHer favourites I hopeĒ. I would hope so, too. But it sounds silly.

I donít think a red teddy bear is a stupid over the top gift.

It feels to me, at this point, that you have not been enjoying writing this. It feels that way, but what is showing up on the page  is a disconnect. Emotionally, a writer needs to "feel" it. When we don't it's a tough go because it shows on the page. And yes, it's tough to always "feel it". It's a lot of work.

Who is Owen?

Why havenít they (our couple) seen each other in a long time?

You had a good longline and a good idea for a premise. My advice is to set this aside, continue to write and then at some point down the road, read it again with fresh eyes.

Your characters need to have motivation. Itís motivation that provides the landscape shall we say, for their actions and dialogue. Start thinking in terms of Johns status quo first off. How was his day so far? Whatís he all about? What does he love, hate... anything, but give him some feelings.

Is he excited about seeing his wife after a long time? Is he scared? Unsure?

If youíve been together with someone for thirty years, Valentines isnít necessarily a big thing anymore. Maybe he wants to make it into something again. Or maybe... What?

Set yourself free to imagine all the possibilities.

Good job for entering and keep writing and especially too, reading. It will help a lot.  

Sandra





A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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LC
Posted: February 5th, 2019, 12:46am Report to Moderator
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A few nitpicky things first:

I did wonder too...
But then read 'she' relating to the Clerk.

You spell out a number further down but then previously write: 30 year anniversary. Oversight?
I thought of a similar idea myself but couldn't get it off the ground. As I said in a previous thread, I'm a huge fan of this:

Be Right Back - Black Mirror
https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2290780/

and of: Her (Spike Jonze)

I think you did a not bad job with this, but for me it's missing passion and life. John's so reserved, patient. I wanted emotion.

He lost his wife, he gets her back and I suppose the whole point is 'real things/people' can't be recreated so he waits...

The picture is captioned: Should have been 30 years today.

Personally I think it'd be more powerful if you use the latter line only:

Will love you forever.

Definitely a good idea and I'd be happy to read another draft. If you do one, that is.
...
P.S. No real comic relief to speak of. Perhaps she smells the chocolates, starts to eat the flowers. She probably can't eat anything but you get what I mean.


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heyDaddyStudios
Posted: February 5th, 2019, 1:21am Report to Moderator
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It was a bit dry, but maybe thatís the tone you were looking for?

The part where he is getting himself and the room ready feels very slow and drawn out. I understand the importance of the situation being perfect, but it lost me a bit there, and it was a little hard to get back into it after. Try trimming the fat off that scene.

I wish people had been a little more ďout-of-the-boxĒ with the props, but itís a personal taste thing. For me, chocolates and roses being a gift for a loved one doesnít make it integral to the story. The fact that itís an anniversary tradition makes it barely important.

All things aside, nice sci fi short that I would enjoy watching!
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hawkeye
Posted: February 5th, 2019, 9:17pm Report to Moderator
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The writing here is pretty solid, and it's an interesting story.  You got all the elements of the challenge except the one that is the most important to a rom-com, and that's comedy.  There's no humor here at all.  Maybe at the very end when we find out she needs charging.  But even that's a little sad realizing that he's in love with a robot.

Still decent writing on display here, so good effort.

Gary


My web site and scripts can be found here:

Gary's web site
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StevenClark
Posted: February 7th, 2019, 12:59pm Report to Moderator
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Writer,

Okay, so you had a good, not original, premise that wasn't executed to its potential. I have no clue why the husband would think an AI - she's an AI right? - would be able to take the place of his long lost wife. Asking a bit too much, I think. So that doesn't seem to make sense. Still, it's a bit endearing that the husband would want to recreate something like that - it shows his love for Alice. But wait. This is a rom com! So, John's attempt at romance with Alice failed, and there really wasn't any humor at all. Darn thing was sad! Nice try.


Steve


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