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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    January 2019 -††One Week Challenge  ›  Small-Town Cops - OWC
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  Author    Small-Town Cops - OWC  (currently 497 views)
Don
Posted: February 1st, 2019, 11:21pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Small-Town Cops by Fyve Owe - Short, RomCom, Mockumentary - A small-town cop tries to resist the advances of an unusually persistent petty criminal. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  February 2nd, 2019, 8:33am
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CameronD
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 11:00am Report to Moderator
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So far so good. Well written.

Why does Norm need release papers if he's just sleeping in the cell for free? ....Oh. its practice. Good job writer.

Write out numbers when dialogue. Ten not 10.

Pg 5, midway for this short, and we only just now get to the actual plot. Uneven pacing.

Very abrupt ending. I liked the small town police stuff at the beginning a lot more than the actual love story.

Quite well written and I'd like to see more of officer Lacey as she was a really well written character. With a stronger love story this could gotten there. Still good though.


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heyDaddyStudios
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 11:57am Report to Moderator
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Enjoyable, this script was definitely a fun read. I think the Rom-Com elements took a backseat to the mockumentary elements, and it definitely should have been the other way around. With only 9 pages to cover the story, the love interest should have came a lot earlier than page 4.

It had a typical Office/Parks and Rec feel, but I liked it.

The use of the props was a bit forced/lacking creativity. Instead of just handing Lacey roses and chocolates you could of had a box of chocolates on her desk earlier on, she has a sweet tooth or something, and when the love interest(forgot his name while writing this XD) comes back he brings roses and says ďthought you could use some flowers to go with those chocolatesĒ. Itís not the only way to go about it, but Iím providing an example of what I mean.

Interviewer could be taken out completely, but itís not a huge deal.

I think the ending really won me over, open-ended, but done very well. Good work.
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eldave1
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 9:22pm Report to Moderator
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Okay - the mockumentary perspective is an unique take - I'll give you that.

The writing was solid for the most part.

The roses and chocolates not even mentioned until page 7 of the script and were a bit of a throwaway at that - but okay.  I just find the ones that weave them into the story line more clever then the ones that merely use them as props.

Ending was just okay for me.

Again - much appreciate a mockumentary take on this.


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irish eyes
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 9:52am Report to Moderator
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Well this was on the funnier scripts i've read.

Took a while to get to the 'romantic"  side but still I thought it was very clever.

Well written and easy to read.

I liked the set up of the camera following them around, had me thinking of Reno 911

Good job on entering


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StevenClark
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 10:27pm Report to Moderator
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Writer,

Took too long to get into the story of Andy and Lacey. Honestly, Iím not sure why you went the documentary route. Would have worked fine without that. Anyway, this was funny in spots, but nothing related to Andy and Lacey together. Just incidental stuff. And the ending left much to be desired. But still, I feel this is one that has potential. Itís a good premise to build off of, but as a short it misses the mark.

Good job though.

Steve


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LC
Posted: February 4th, 2019, 5:05am Report to Moderator
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Very funny stuff and I think the mockumentary style added to it via the asides and looks into the camera, Interviewer commenting on Andy being hot, the little touches etc.

You orchestrated it very well.
Pop an apostrophe in that last sentence: Let's go.

Really enjoyable and well written.


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_ghostwriters
Posted: February 4th, 2019, 7:26am Report to Moderator
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I won't mirror what other's have said.   You've got some interesting happening here.  I was entertained.  Surprisingly I found this really amusing.  The dialog feels pretty good.  The ending was sort of abrupt.  

Kudos for finishing.


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Cam Gray
Posted: February 4th, 2019, 2:11pm Report to Moderator
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Hey writer,

Well, that was original,a kinda Reno 911 take on things. I donít have an issue with the mocumentary style and it was a good read overall, it also was funny so youíve got the comedy bit down. The romance bit, he comes in mid script which is really unfortunate, as if youíd brought him in straight away you could have taken this all sorts of directions.

It wasnít bad, in fact the writing was really good, but it wasnít romancey enough for the romcom challenge...

Best with everyone else,

Cam


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PKCardinal
Posted: February 5th, 2019, 6:28pm Report to Moderator
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I wish you would have gotten to the romance part sooner. By the time you did, it was too late to develop anything that was gonna stick.

I enjoyed the style. Had a real Trial and Error feel to it, though not as far out as that particular show.

Well written and some good laughs to it.

Plus on the comedy, neutral on the romance. Can't quite call it a romcom, I don't think.

All in all, very well done. Thanks for sharing!


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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: February 5th, 2019, 6:47pm Report to Moderator
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I liked the premise and it was mostly well done.

There could have been more romance and comedy and more
Vanlentine's elements.

Nice effort.

Sandra




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Matthew Taylor
Posted: February 6th, 2019, 9:00am Report to Moderator
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Hello writer.

I really love the idea of the documentary - Outside the box, it's a risk but it pays off - I wish I had your brain lol.

I like the writing, the setup is good, characters so far are good - But, I am on page 3 and who is suppose to be romantically involved in this story?

I really like this lol - the small town cops are funny.

The balls on this guy, asking out a cop like that lol good on him.

Aww getting himself arrested just to see her again lol I'm assuming that's what he did anyway. Getting a bit more romantic now.

" Herb rocks in place a few
times, tries to shift his weight enough to do the same" - nice visual, I like your writing.

What! It ended? like that? Booooo - you had two more pages left in your limit - Goddam it I feel so unsatisfied lol.

Ok, I've calmed down now - I was really enjoying this, the romance was working, the comedy was working, the writing was great.... then, NO ENDING! at least for me anyway, I want to see a kiss dammit!

OK - Well done on this one, it will be up there with the best.

Matt
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hawkeye
Posted: February 6th, 2019, 10:17pm Report to Moderator
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Seems like this was a cross between "The Office" and "Brooklyn 99".  Mockumentaries tend to work better on screen than they do on paper because the flow is broken up in the reading.  I kept interrupting my read to try and visualize what was happening which each transition.

Still, it's well-written with moments of humor, and you have the "meet-cute" at the police station, but I'm not sure it rises to the level of a rom-com. I think with a few more pages, you could have really developed that part of the "rom" in "rom-com".  I do think if you were to do a rewrite, then maybe try it as a straight short.  But go with your gut. You definitely have the writing chops so trust your instincts.

Great job here!

Gary


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Spqr
Posted: February 7th, 2019, 2:20pm Report to Moderator
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I sensed a "cute meet" trying to break out, so I can see this script as a good opening for a full script. But by itself, it has no romance and only somewhat humorous situations. The intrusive Interviewer doesn't really contribute anything to the story except as a spoof of the show "Cops." Right now it's romcop not a romcom.
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PrussianMosby
Posted: February 10th, 2019, 3:52pm Report to Moderator
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Your logline is far better than the title.

I liked it. The romantic parts came in late but eventually delivered. Pretty charming tone and concept (liked the docu angle) with funny moments.


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