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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    January 2019 -  One Week Challenge  ›  Cupid's Arrow - OWC
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  Author    Cupid's Arrow - OWC  (currently 685 views)
James McClung
Posted: February 6th, 2019, 7:31pm Report to Moderator
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"Hairy Big Balls."

"Dick Alcock."

"Fanny Bush."

*groans*

The jokes are too easy to be funny. Immature, and yet they feel like dad humor. Beyond that, there's not much to say about this one. No plot, but it's a speed date, so fuck it. It occurred to me at one point that Dick should ask more questions to learn more about Fanny, but neither character is really developed, so what does it really matter?

You really wiped out on the "anal will my my hole weak" typo. Seems like that was supposed to be some kind of show-stopper.

Consistent. I'll give you that. But lame. Meh.


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khamanna
Posted: February 6th, 2019, 10:34pm Report to Moderator
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I've got to be honest - I laughed a lot. So many jokes. I even laughed when he entered her Fanny digits into his phone and dialed. And her phone rung and he hang up. It was kind of funny you spelled his every step out like that.

Haha "i'm an orphan" - now why do I know who wrote it. Haha, about the vampire who is in love with a girl afraid of the dark. A lot of insider jokes - but well presented. And funny.

When she said at the end "photography, anything" - he could reply "pornography".But he didn't. He should.
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: February 7th, 2019, 2:09am Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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Quoted from eldave1
At the opening - Give us a sense on where Dick is in the bar.



I would think this is obvious: Somewhere around BIG HAIRY BALLS.  



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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Dreamscale
Posted: February 7th, 2019, 9:36am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Yes, that is my real hair...

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That scent...I know that scent.  It's urine!  And from the title page alone, I think we have ourselves another pisser.  Let's see...

"DICK ALCOCK" -     Yep, looks to be a pisser.

FANNY BUSH - HA!  Thanks for including my last name in your script.

What's with "A True Love Story" on the bottom of every page?  And then, "Cupid's Arrow Called Snatch" on the top of every page?  Damn...that's actually quite funny..you replaced "CONTINUED" with these little phrases, didn't you?  Genius..pure genius!!!!

The dialogue is terrible..great job!  Pissers read better when the dialogue is so off.

Page 3 - Dialogue is great here. I'm laughing out loud!

"aptronym" - Just learned a new word.  See, peeps?  Pissers can be real learning tools!!!

"orphan" - Genius!  Whoever you are, you've got a winner here!  Love how many of the lonely little redheads you have running around here.

"Your smile has made my whole
day.  But anal will my my hole
weak." - HA!!!     Not sure if the typo is intended or not, but if I were you, I would write this out correctly (with the misspellings, of course)  But anal will make my hole weak.  Damn, that's actually really funny!

HA!  And there's a line of dialogue taken directly from the OWC discussion page about the vampire.  Funny shit, bro!

And, The End.  Well, it is what it is and I bet most are going to literally hate this, but for me it's quite funny and even pretty intelligent at times.  It wreaks of urine, but that's the smell you want coming off a good old fashioned pisser.  It works and I appreciate it.

***1/2



To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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LC
Posted: February 8th, 2019, 12:00am Report to Moderator
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Do you like to eat pie after a good movie?

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Manxman, feel free to post your review again -

Minus the personal attack.


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hawkeye
Posted: February 8th, 2019, 11:13am Report to Moderator
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Normally I don’t mind pissers because there’s usually some nuggets of comedy gold in them. I felt like this was just a middle finger to the orphan and format police on this site. So not much to say about this except that it wasn’t for me.


My web site and scripts can be found here:

Gary's web site
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Philostrate
Posted: February 8th, 2019, 11:23am Report to Moderator
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Hi Writer,

Pisser or no pisser I liked the premise of speed dating. That was clever.

The humor was crude and didn’t land for me, but I appreciate the effort.

IMO - the second half wasn’t as creative as the first: the classic 'I'm a screenwriter' device, a borrowed idea about a vampire from the other thread and an insider joke about orphans felt rushed, not very imaginative.

Anyway – not a bad effort.

Good job on entering.


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PKCardinal
Posted: February 8th, 2019, 5:04pm Report to Moderator
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I'm still fairly new here.

Now I know what a "pisser" looks like.

Thanks for sharing?


PaulKWrites.com

60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature
The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature

Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror
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Conz
Posted: February 12th, 2019, 9:14am Report to Moderator
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I mean, “Hairy Big Balls” and snatch.con aren’t giving me much confidence… but I’ll look past it.

No one in their mid 20s is named “Dick.” I guess that’s a joke?

Fanny Bush… oh man, this is already too juvenile for me, I can tell.

Mother “always” says “never say never?”  I guess that’s also a joke?

Does Fanny really need a line of dialogue thanking the waiter?

Speaking of orphans, you have so many action lines that carry over one word.  That never looks good on the page.
You could’ve easily tightened that up.

Decent number of typos.  Feel like you wrote this with an hour to submit.

Oh man, don’t make the character a screenwriter…

I’m being harsh, but I don’t understand what the point of that was.


I'd list my "work" here, but I don't know how to hyperlink.  

"Career" Highlights
-I have a single credit on my IMDB page.  
-One time a fairly prominent producer e-mailed me back.  
-I have almost made $1000 with my writing!
-I've won 2 mugs... and a thong.  (polaroids of me in thong available for $10 through PM)

@vc_wg - because I crave attention
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Dreamscale
Posted: February 14th, 2019, 9:21pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Yes, that is my real hair...

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Quoted from Conz
I mean, “Hairy Big Balls” and snatch.con aren’t giving me much confidence… but I’ll look past it.

No one in their mid 20s is named “Dick.” I guess that’s a joke?

Fanny Bush… oh man, this is already too juvenile for me, I can tell.

Mother “always” says “never say never?”  I guess that’s also a joke?

Does Fanny really need a line of dialogue thanking the waiter?

Speaking of orphans, you have so many action lines that carry over one word.  That never looks good on the page.
You could’ve easily tightened that up.

Decent number of typos.  Feel like you wrote this with an hour to submit.

Oh man, don’t make the character a screenwriter…

I’m being harsh, but I don’t understand what the point of that was.


It's a pisser, Conz.  The orphans are on purpose.  I bet most of the obvious mistakes and lame dialogue are also on purpose...or at least I hope.

Where's the love, peeps?  This one is funny...at least to me.  


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Zack
Posted: February 14th, 2019, 9:33pm Report to Moderator
OWC Moderator


Don't get it right. Get it written.

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Quoted from Dreamscale


Where's the love, peeps?  This one is funny...at least to me.  


Even though this is OBVIOUSLY a pisser, it's still one of my favorites. Funny enough, I was certain you had written this one Jeff. Actually, I kind of still am.  

Zack


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Dreamscale
Posted: February 14th, 2019, 10:04pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Yes, that is my real hair...

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Quoted from Zack


Even though this is OBVIOUSLY a pisser, it's still one of my favorites. Funny enough, I was certain you had written this one Jeff. Actually, I kind of still am.  

Zack


I did not write this one.  I PROMISE!!!!!  And I rarely every lie..other than when I'm in Mexico or Vegas, and my life depends on the lie.





To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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jayrex
Posted: February 18th, 2019, 4:51pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Cut to three weeks earlier

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Got to thank everyone who attempted the read of my script.  It was obvious that it was a pisser.  And for those of you who obviously noticed and enjoyed it for what it was.  I'm happy.  

For the rest that thought this was serious.  Seriously?  Come on!

Glad some people learnt something new too.  It's not just a piss-take but educational too.

I grew up watching Carry on films.  So perhaps I was inspired!

The orphans were on purpose.  Hint hint nudge nudge.

And the screenwriting bit.  You have Zack's imagination to thank for that.

I'm really surprised Jeff liked this.  I think this is the first time ever this has happened to me.  And I joined way back in 2006.  I think I've found my calling.

I'm curious what this Manxman said.  I must have really offended the dude.

All the best.


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