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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    January 2019 -  One Week Challenge  ›  Before The End Of The World - OWC - Optioned!
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  Author    Before The End Of The World - OWC - Optioned!  (currently 1064 views)
Don
Posted: February 1st, 2019, 11:27pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Before The End Of The World by David Gonzalez (Philostrate) writing as James J. Brooks - Short, RomCom - Two best friends discover they are in love minutes before the world ends. 6 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  February 21st, 2019, 5:20pm
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henb
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 2:38am Report to Moderator
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I love a good apocalyptic movie.

pg. 3 - I found Billy gasping at Gina’s beauty a little too cheesy. Would add a line of dialogue from Billy instead.
pg. 5 - I love the twist!

This was an entertaining read that flew by quickly, with zippy, believable dialogue. Starts off very romantic then drifts into comedic territory. Very well-done.


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LC
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 8:37am Report to Moderator
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Do you like to eat pie after a good movie?

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I could quibble but where would the fun be in that.

Very enjoyable and it made me chuckle.
Nice line re Coldplay. I still love their music though.
I would have liked a little more feeling in the radio announcer's V.O.
And I think you should spell out K-U-N-T FM radio this way, but hey, I'm just glad that wasn't an indication things were going to detour into smut-land.

Okay, I quibbled a little bit.
Heartfelt, funny, enjoyable. Thank you, Writer.  

P.S. I wonder if Something About Mary was the inspiration for that final scene.


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irish eyes
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 10:15am Report to Moderator
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I think you could have used a tamer word than KUNT for your radio station.
It was short and sweet and an easy read.

Had it's comedic element with some romanticism thrown in.
I guess the face Reddens would be the red part... so kudos on that.

Good job on entering


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RolandJ
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 4:46pm Report to Moderator
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Thoughtful premise with a twist.
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Dreamscale
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 6:10pm Report to Moderator
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So, I'd say what we have here is a sketch...a comedy sketch.

There's so little going on, it's a super fast read, so I didn't take notes as I went, but I know what jumped out at me...

Wrylies...WAY too many.  Not sure what's going on this OWC, but everyone seems to be wrylie obsessed!

Also, writing is awkward at times.

Don't like the use of KUNT for the radio station.

Is the "red coupe" the same as "car"?

Story-wise, it really can't be taken remotely seriously, because if the premise was real, what are these 2 friends doing in this car in the first place?  Fuck, it doesn't matter.

You ended on a different note than I would have, but some may like it.  If it were me, the final lines would be...

BILLY - So, you really love me?

GINA - Well, to be honest, I just wanted to get fucked one last time before I died, and you were my only hope,

**1/2


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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eldave1
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 7:36pm Report to Moderator
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Well written for the most part - good job there.

The humor didn't quite land for me but I applaud the effort.

I was confused by the ending. The last scene we have a new header and I'm not sure we changed location or time. I didn't get what the ahhhhh was.

Overall - good job.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Matthew Taylor
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 7:44pm Report to Moderator
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KUNT FM threw me - Didn't like it - You have spelt it with a K in some attempt to throw it off the word it sounds like, but you have put it in dialogue so makes no difference.

Anyway... story

Very tongue in cheek - None of it is to be taken seriously, and once I realised that, I enjoyed it more.

I can see people finding this funny, and I wasn't actually expecting the ending.

It was alright - Not gonna be up their with my favourites I don't think.

Good job on your entry

Matt
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Zack
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 7:50pm Report to Moderator
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Don't get it right. Get it written.

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Quoted from eldave1


I was confused by the ending. The last scene we have a new header and I'm not sure we changed location or time. I didn't get what the ahhhhh was.

Overall - good job.


Dave, I recommend you go back and read the end again.

I loved it.

Writing was very crisp and easy to follow. Dialog was very good. And my God. The ending. I choked on my coffee. Hahahaha. Frank and Beans! Hahahaha!!!

Great stuff.

Zack



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hawkeye
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 1:31pm Report to Moderator
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It definitely had the comedy element. Not sure it was the romantic type of comedy. More a “Superbad” guy trying to get in the gril’s Pants kind of comed, with an element of “There’s Something about Mary” penis in the zipper thrown in.

Still, it was a fun, easy-breezy kind of script and an enjoyable read. Good job.

Best,
Gary


My web site and scripts can be found here:

Gary's web site
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Zombie Sean
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 3:19pm Report to Moderator
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This was a silly script and can be pretty goofy if filmed and acted right. It feels like a familiar premise, kind of like a side short for "Seeking A Friend For The End oF the World" except everyone lives. Like Jeff said, it's like a comedy sketch and I think it would be fairly feasible to film, and even moreso either as a live-action or an animation, I can see it working both ways. The only real quip I have is the very end. I would nix out the last two lines and just end it with describing Billy screaming in the description (and to make it even sillier, have a flock of birds poof out from some trees when he screams). Good job.


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eldave1
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 4:36pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Zack


Dave, I recommend you go back and read the end again.

I loved it.

Writing was very crisp and easy to follow. Dialog was very good. And my God. The ending. I choked on my coffee. Hahahaha. Frank and Beans! Hahahaha!!!

Great stuff.

Zack


I did.

Get it now.

Thanks for the tip


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Vincent
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 4:55pm Report to Moderator
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Don't like the call letters for the radio station -- it makes the tone of the story a bit too tawdry and vulgar.

For the announcer's "final" song, how about Elvis Costello's "Waiting For The End Of The World"? (At least it would indicate this jock, who should be a bit more emotional about the whole thing, has a sense of humor.) And Billy's problems setting things up for romance conjures up "the safety belt that wouldn't budge" in Chuck Berry's "No Particular Place To Go."

Loved the "false alarm" ending. Short and kinda sweet.
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IamGlenn
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 6:43pm Report to Moderator
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Nice!

Yeah, this was good. Simple, funny and a great ending. Nothing much to add. Another favourite of mine.

Well done,
Glenn.


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Warren
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 10:24pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Writer,


Quoted Text
Billy and Gina don’t blink, the words still echoing in their
ears.


Which words? Because all I have now is...


Quoted Text
KUNT-FM


Hopefully this is going somewhere.

Not a bad effort here. Definitely get rid of the KUNT FM thing, it’s so out of place.

I found the ending quite underwhelming. It was a pretty decent setup but I think it lost its way towards the end.

The writing was quite good as well.

All the best.


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