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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    January 2019 -  One Week Challenge  ›  Rose Bud - OWC
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  Author    Rose Bud - OWC  (currently 434 views)
Don
Posted: February 1st, 2019, 11:30pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Rose Bud by -  Joaquín Guzmán - Short, RomCom - Sometimes a break-up is the first step towards an engagement.  10 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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Mr. Blonde
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 10:58am Report to Moderator
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What good are choices if they're all bad?

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This one was nice and straightforward enough. I think I would've liked it better without the next day, though. Keeping Tina as a relationship solver works better without the addition. Still, despite a few grammatical and spelling issues, this was a nice, easy read.


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irish eyes
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 3:11pm Report to Moderator
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I enjoyed it very simple concept and well executed.
I actually thought James would end up with Tina.

Nicely done and easy to read.

Good job on entering.

p.s if it wasn't for the title i wouldn't recommend Bud to my worst enemy


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LC
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 2:08am Report to Moderator
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Do you like to eat pie after a good movie?

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A 'picture' of Bud?
'pitcher' further down, so...

Quite a lot to like here, the barmaid's advice, dialogue humming along. Tina's a smart cookie.
I did not like the twist though, even though Tina insisted on not taking the money.

My advice is ramp up how devastated James is and have Tina do her stuff, but have James  think he came up with the idea even though Tina directed him all the way. That'd be more romantic in my book.

Ooh, almost forgot... The discussion about the chocolates was top-notch!


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IamGlenn
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 6:33am Report to Moderator
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Hi,

Yeah, I hope he's ordering a pitcher of Bud, not a picture. Wouldn't be much use in his situation.

I like this. Straight forward, nice little twist and we'll written. Could see this getting made too. Good job. My favourite so far.

Glenn.


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Warren
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 6:54am Report to Moderator
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Hi Writer,

This is a pretty solid entry. I feel it's another that's too heavy on the dialogue it terms of the fact that most of the short felt like dialogue, saying that it was very well written. If it was part of a bigger piece I don't think I'd mind but as is, it's too much for my personal taste.

Pretty simple story, nothing groundbreaking, but meets all the parameters perfectly.

Another good entry.

All the best.


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hawkeye
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 9:31pm Report to Moderator
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Good solid effort here.  I think the whole sequence with Melvin, Tina and James was a bit much and took up almost a whole page.  We're getting the gist of James' problem with his discussion with Tina -- we don't need more of it with Melvin also.

A few smiles to be had and the writing was good, so a solid effort here.  Good job!  Now get me a picture of Bud. (that would have been funny if she had actually brought him a picture of a Bud instead of a pitcher).

Best,
Gary


My web site and scripts can be found here:

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Vincent
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 9:43pm Report to Moderator
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Decently written, hits all the requirements. A reasonably made rom-com.
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PKCardinal
Posted: February 4th, 2019, 10:27pm Report to Moderator
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Nice little short. Fun.

Rose Bud was a little forced, but, it didn't throw me.

Pretty well written (save for twice using picture - good thing you used pitcher later, or we'd have all given you tremendous guff - just for our own enjoyment.)

I didn't see the twist coming. The short could survive just fine without it, but, I think it works either way.

Pretty strong entry. Not my favorite, but I enjoyed it.


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_ghostwriter
Posted: February 5th, 2019, 6:21am Report to Moderator
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You are not reinventing any wheels here, but this is good, I liked it, but I would pull back a little with Melvin, and I'm the last person to say that.

Kudos for finishing.


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Cam Gray
Posted: February 5th, 2019, 8:11am Report to Moderator
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Wwwwwrrriiiitt-ta-ta-ta-ta (Shooting Stars Ulrika Johnson style, for the Brits, Bob Mortimer was on Desert Island Discs podcast, enough of a ramble),

This was fun! If we can take anything from this challenge it is that a romcom is hard to do, not because they need to be complicated and noggin bending, but because they are generally simple in premise and execution. It’s a compliment to say that this is simple in premise and executed itself exceptionally well, with a relationship arc smuggled in amongst it and some secondary characters to push it along.

What others have lacked, the comedy, was picked up through the bumbling bar scene and the criteria was met in a creative manner and everything ticked off. It made men out to be about as romantic as a dumpster fire (I’m a man and I stand by that generalisation, there are exceptions obviously) and that was funny, and his missus had it rigged the whole bloody time.

It was a goodie.

Cam


23 Mu Mu’s in an ice cream van...
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Spqr
Posted: February 5th, 2019, 1:23pm Report to Moderator
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James is so dense, he does have to be manipulated into proposing. The question is why does Amy want to marry such a guy? Does she feel incomplete without a husband and doesn't have the energy to find another guy? Or is there something about James that makes him desirable? I'd like a hint as to why Amy would go to all the trouble of bagging this dullard.
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: February 5th, 2019, 6:24pm Report to Moderator
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Simple and straightforward, the twist wasn;t very twisty, but...

It was well written and enjoyed it.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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Matthew Taylor
Posted: February 6th, 2019, 8:35am Report to Moderator
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Hello writer

I'm jumping right in.

I like your writing style, it's giving me nice visuals in very few words. The kinda writing I am trying, and failing, to do.

Here come the roses and chocolates - let's hope they play a part in this story.

OK, we got the "tell your woes" to the bartender set up - Is this going to be similar to the tattoo entry I wonder?

I really like your writing, and your dialogue - I am getting a distinct character from your, well, characters. They are individuals. At this point though, I don't feel much for James.

With all this dialogue, the story is dragging a little bit for me - And on a screen, there isn't a whole lot to be looking at.

The chocolates/red/roses are not mere props in this story - so well done for actually incorporating them - bonus points lol

Wow, how manipulative of Amy lol and it gets rid of the question - Do bartenders actually give out advice like this in real life? - as your story explains it.

I feel like you have played it safe with this, but you have done it very well - Best to do the simple things well than the complicated things badly.

Visually I don't think there is a lot going on - And, same as the other entry that is similar, Tina is a bit too nice - I thought making her a bit more mean/sarcastic/blunt would add something, I don't know.

Anyway, well done on this entry.


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StevenClark
Posted: February 6th, 2019, 10:46am Report to Moderator
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Writer,

Nicely done. Perhaps the build up was a little long — could’ve trimmed a page from this. You had a nice twist/reveal. The romance was alluded to, even so, I suppose it’s still
Considered a rom com. Visually it was fine, though not really funny at all. Could have worked in the humor a bit, but this is one of the better ones. Good job!

Steve


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