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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    January 2019 -  One Week Challenge  ›  Jurassic Love - OWC
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  Author    Jurassic Love - OWC  (currently 486 views)
Don
Posted: February 1st, 2019, 11:58pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Jurassic Love by Michael Crichton - Short, RomCom - A kindergartner's Valentines Day is nearly ruined when the girl he loves has eyes only for Tyrannosaurus Rex - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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henb
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 12:50am Report to Moderator
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I read this one first because dinosaurs rule!

pg. 1 - I would delete “We pan across”, since camera movement in a non-shooting script is often frowned upon.
pg. 1 - 'Thaddeus', cool name!
pg. 1 - Judy’s declaration of loving T-Rexes is very funny.
pg. 1 - The valentine card is funny and cute.
pg. 2 - Very funny dialogue. Judy is hilarious and very well-spoken which adds to the humour.
pg. 3 - ‘cheerfully chatter as clean up’, should be ‘chatter as they clean up’.
pg. 3 - He’s haunted by dinosaurs
pg. 3 - 'orange drops on onto’, delete either ‘on’ or ‘onto’.
pg. 4 - first line made me lol.
pg. 4 - I’m very impressed with the dialogue so far, with Judy having the best and funniest lines.
pg. 5 - ‘Thaddeus with with a’, delete one with.
pg. 5 - Funny dino fight.
pg. 6, 7, 8 - I feel the story begins to lose steam after the middle of page 6, i would end this on the smile from Thaddeus. Everything up until then is golden.

This was really, really well-written! It was funny, clever, and heart-warming. I think this has a very good shot at winning.


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Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
henb  -  February 2nd, 2019, 2:10am
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irish eyes
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 10:40am Report to Moderator
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There`s too much blood in my alcohol

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Heck of a dialogue spoken from 5 year olds especially Judy   you might want the raise the age or tone down the dialogue to make it more believable.

It had cute story Boy wanted girl, girl wanted toy dinosaur, boy defeated bullies to win her heart.
I like the valentine's card he gave her. I know the humor you were going for when kids say the wrong things. But 5 year olds misinterpreting periods as if their parents had this conversation with them just seems wrong.


It's the first script read without needless cursing in it so kudos for that.

Good job on entering



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PKCardinal
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 1:44pm Report to Moderator
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I had mixed feelings on this one.

Judy bounces from super smart for her age (too much so) to standard kids-misunderstand-adult-things young.

The short should have ended right after the fight. Classic example of ending after the end.

The writing was fairly sloppy. First line: "we pan" - leave the directing to the director. And, "pan across a row" paired with "in a row" included in one line together. Definitely needs some cleanup throughout.

That said, I really like the setup. It's a fun little story and I think with just a bit of time spent on a solid rewrite, there's a nice short in here.

Overall, good job.


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RolandJ
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 4:34pm Report to Moderator
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Good childhood story. But TMI (too much information) for a five year old girl who sounds considerably older.
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Warren
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 9:37pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Writer,

Straight off the bat, the dialogue doesn't ring true for kids this young. After reading a bit more I think the dialogue is quite purposely written the way it is, and that is adding your comedic edge, the problem I have is that I'm not sure.

A few typos and awkward writing starting to creep in.

Some good writing on display. Another cutesy 5-year-old story, which as a personal preference I cant say I love.

This was a pretty good effort though.

All the best.


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LC
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 9:54pm Report to Moderator
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You know some kids of even kindergarten level speak in a precocious way so I tried to bear that in mind while reading, alas, after a while I wasn't buying it. That range of vocabulary? Hmm, don't think so.

Some nice imagery you evoke but a few too many characters in the mix detracted from the burgeoning romance of Judy and Thaddeus Reginald Xaxier.

Is Judy a popular name come back into fashion? Something to think about.

I have no idea what 'on my question mark' meant.

It's not bad, I think I just would have preferred one on one, or with another as a love rival.


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Warren
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 10:01pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from LC

I have no idea what 'on my question mark' meant.



As opposed to period - comedy.


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LC
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 10:07pm Report to Moderator
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Do you like to eat pie after a good movie?

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Quoted from Warren

As opposed to period - comedy.

Yeah, I'm not that blonde   it just didn't gel for me comedically. I'm glad it did for some.


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Angry Bear
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 8:01am Report to Moderator
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OK. This has potential to be real cute, but there are several things that keep it from being that right now, IMHO.

For me, the main reason would be the dialogue. These kids don't sound like five year olds at all. They sound at least a few years older.

Would Judy really refer to herself as a woman? Probably more likely girl.

My mom's on her period...

Things like this that just ruins what could've been something cute. The structure of the story works, I would just suggest making the kids a little older or change the dialogue.

Another thing that stood out to me was Thaddeus biting the other kid until it drew blood. That would be a VERY serious thing in school nowadays. The kid that got bit would probably be hauled off for at least one type of shot at an ER or something. Thaddeus parents would be called down there right away and so on. At least here where I live. Biting is considered really serious!

Where were the roses? Did I miss them?

Anyway, not bad, just need some tweaking to get it where it needs to be.  


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eldave1
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 4:06pm Report to Moderator
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Dialogue, dialogue, dialogue.

The kids are 5. There dialogue rings somewhere between 16 and 50.

Sorry - couldn't shake that. You got kids in a story you have to write it with a kid's voice.

Roses????


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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 4:30pm Report to Moderator
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Page three and I'm out.

Kindergarteners acting and speaking like this. No thanks.  

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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Philostrate
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 5:28pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Writer,

This one was an interesting read.

It has some nice imagery and a solid structure, but the dialogue doesn't ring true for five year olds. That and some lines like "My mom says she is on her period" killed its potential to be a cute kids love story.

On a side note, where are the roses?

Anyway, it's a pretty good effort.

Congratulations on entering.


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Cam Gray
Posted: February 5th, 2019, 3:31am Report to Moderator
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Hey writersaurus rex,

So, it was a unique take on the challenge, written with a real charm to it too. One thing that got me, my god that Judy is a little b**ch!! I can say that about made up characters, can’t I?? Regardless, it worked for me.

Couldn’t spot the flowers but I could be off there, the rest of the parameters were met and it was entertaining.

Nice one,

Cam


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Matthew Taylor
Posted: February 5th, 2019, 4:48am Report to Moderator
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Hello writer.

Really like the name Thaddeus.

As others have said, the language doesn't fit the age. But haven't a bunch of kids talk like adults, if it's kept consistent could be funny.

The action/descriptions feel a little, rushed. I wonder if you were pressed for time by the deadline.

I like the image of the kid roaring with victory lol

Not sure what the Iron Man line was about - maybe that went over my head.

I think you either need to make the language age appropriate, or go full steam in the other direction and have them talk like adults for comedic affect.

I would have ended on more of a cutesy note - we don;t need words really, just a little kiss on his cheek or something, to show us she accepts him as her valentine

Good job on the challenge

Matt


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