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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    January 2019 -  One Week Challenge  ›  Don't Burst My Bubble - OWC
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  Author    Don't Burst My Bubble - OWC  (currently 747 views)
Don
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 12:09am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Don't Burst My Bubble by - blank - Short, RomCom - A determined young boy tries to win over his first love. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
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Angry Bear
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 7:30am Report to Moderator
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Not a whole lot to say here. It was cute. No dialogue either! Kudos for that. Very visual, so no dialogue needed.

I liked how the boy tries to get Angelica's attention by using all his cool boy stuff that she couldn't care less about.

Very nice cute story that checked all the boxes! Good job, writer!


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Dreamscale
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 12:42pm Report to Moderator
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Opening passage, for me, is overwritten and hard to really "see" what you're after.

This is definitely "cute" so far.  Interesting that we have no dialogue and your use of SUPERs works very well.

Although I bet most will say the writing here is great, in reality, it's not.  It's overwritten, you're missing commas, and at times doing something I detest - skipping subjects.  Don't get me wrong, it's good overall, but when there's so much in terms of action/description lines and no dialogue, the little mistakes tend to stand out.

"don's" - no...incorrect.

"What's it doing up there?!" - No, bro...don't get started with dumb asides.  Please.  Just no reason for it at all.

Well, I'm only to the bottom of Page 3 and things are really dragging and it feels like I've read double the pages.  And it's simply because of the overwriting going on.  It's not helping...it's hurting.

I highly doubt Tommy's Grandma would just allow him to run around on his own in a mall.  This I don't buy one bit.

Page 5 - "We see..." - Really?  We're seeing everything single action/description line you're writing!

OK, the end.  It's definitely cute and a good idea, but even at just over 6 pages, it feels so long and that's due to the writing. Cut it down, get rid of the fluff, clean up the writing a bit and yuo definitely have something here.

***


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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irish eyes
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 4:34pm Report to Moderator
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The use of no dialogue... ballsy
I like that

The story itself was cute of the young boy trying to get the attention of the girl but no avail.
Even the ending when he ran back to kiss her was bittersweet.

A warm hearted script which makes a change from the majority.

Well done

Good job entering


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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 6:03pm Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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The writing is exemplary, but what continued to bother me was what I felt was a lack of realism.

Who is going to let a six year old child wander about on his own?

What kind of money are the gold coins?

What kind of mothers are so infatuated with themselves? Why would a mother keep shoving chocolate at her child?

Some of those things really irked me since it was supposed to be funny. For me, it's child abuse or neglect or both.

However, the imagery drawn was excellent. When I read about the organic coffee and avocado salad, I thought: How junky most North American coffee is these days. Gotta get me some of that. And a salad under Fairy Light. Yes, please!

Very good job with the exceptions which you can easily fix.  

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 6:15pm Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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Quoted from Dreamscale


"What's it doing up there?!" - No, bro...don't get started with dumb asides.  Please.  Just no reason for it at all.

I highly doubt Tommy's Grandma would just allow him to run around on his own in a mall.  This I don't buy one bit.

***


As far as asides: I think in the right circumstances, they're an excellent tool to identify, for the reader and the actor a "sense" that might otherwise take up a lot of space. It might be an emotional response that might be better done with an aside rather than dialogue let's say, for example. Because very often, we might be feeling something, but it's not spoken, and perhaps we're "holding back" but the feeling is there. An actor can work with that.

I don't know if that makes sense to you, but in my reading journey, when I come across such examples, (which I can't think of right now), I'll journal them. I know I've come across such scenarios before, I just didn't note them down. I should have.

Ditto on the boy running around on his own.

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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_ghostwriters
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 6:57pm Report to Moderator
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The general consensus from my esteemed colleagues seeems to be  - "A  Cute Story."   That, it is, but it left me emotionally unsatisfied.   Although I'm not a fan of the writing style... your style and voice are pretty darn good.  Interesting choice to do away with the dialogue.

But I have no dog in this fight.  Kudos for finishing


A-CAROLING FOR CHRISTMAS

GHOSTS OF APPALOOSA

RISE OF THE AMAZONS

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THE TIME GUARDIAN

https://lifeofrileysite.yolasite.com/resources/Jayonna%20Wick.pdf

"When I dive... I go deep, only to surface the hub when necessary."

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Warren
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 9:07pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Writer,

So the writing is excellent, clearly one of SS's better writers put this out. No dialogue is always a challenge. Nice touch using the rom coms as a sort of narration.

Yes it is cute.

As a piece of technically-beautiful writing this is a great script but the story, for me, was just too cutesy (obviously this is a rom com challenge, but I am hoping to see scripts that challenge the norm)

Definitely a solid entry, just not my kind of story.

All the best.


To View All My Scripts Please Use The Link Below

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Matthew Taylor
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 11:08am Report to Moderator
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Hello Writer

Every one is saying this is cute - so I am going to go with adorable instead.

Stands out with it's lack of dialogue (Which wasn't missed in this story) so well done for doing something memorable in this sea of entries.

Few comments saying how wonderful the writing is, personally I thought it was good but could deffo be improved - But from the comments on my entry I would question everything I say if I was you lol

I can't remember being 5, I don't know any 5 year olds - do 5 year olds have romantic feelings? no idea

Anyway - well done on your submission.

Matt


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hawkeye
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 12:00pm Report to Moderator
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My two cents is that I'm going to go in the opposite direction of most everyone here in that I'm not a big fan of action only scripts.  The writing is okay, but it's a bit of overdescribing in my opinion.  You probably could lose about a page of the script by just removing big chunks of action that aren't really necessary to the story.

I think it's been pointed out that a six year old running around a mall alone (much less understand purchasing concepts). I would have instead have the kid figure out a unique way to get her balloon back and he gets rewarded by a kiss.

The supers work fine, I think -- a little cutesy, but fine nonetheless.  Good effort here.

Best,
Gary


My web site and scripts can be found here:

Gary's web site
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eldave1
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 4:16pm Report to Moderator
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Loved the premise. However...

It started to drag for me mid way.

Not sure that a kid that age would be allowed to roam the mall unattended. That was a logic hiccup for me.

Who uses gold coins????

Nice job overall


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Vincent
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 8:41pm Report to Moderator
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I agree it's adorable, and you work well minus dialogue (although the descriptions need work), but it's not believable to see him traipsing through a mall at his age. Perhaps that scene could take place in his imagination, and when we return to reality he gives her something else that results in a kiss. Please work on this -- kiddie romcoms are charming.
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DaveTroop
Posted: February 5th, 2019, 3:23pm Report to Moderator
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I liked your choice of no dialogue, as there are many silent romantic comedies - Chaplin's
"City Lights" comes to mind.
However, as well-written as this is, I agree it does begin to drag.  Also, I kept waiting for
the comedy to work its way in.  Sure, it's romantic and has charm to spare, but comedy...?

I also had issues with 5 year olds roaming the mall unattended, two adults so clueless, and
children who act on romantic feelings they shouldn't posses yet.

There is a lot to like here, and I do thank you for taking the risks.  

Very good effort.
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khamanna
Posted: February 5th, 2019, 4:46pm Report to Moderator
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I'd think it's overwritten.
A nice story but a rom com I'd think needs some kind of backstory. This is a whole another kind of story that doesn't fit the genre in my understanding.
It's still a nice little story.

And written well.
So, I got nothing more to say here.
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big lew
Posted: February 6th, 2019, 1:42am Report to Moderator
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Hello Writer -

I think the premise is clever, and telling the story without dialog I believe would quickly engage a director or producer looking for a good little short.

Your clever device of teeing up each beat with the names of famous Rom Coms is a really nice touch!

Also I think the idea would be easier to accept if the kids were preteens, maybe 10 or 11,
which would make the viewer more comfortable with the age of the boy who is searching the  Mall for the balloon. Young enough to be cute, but old enough to be mindful about not talking to strangers.

The distracted Mother did bother me a bit, and I felt stuffing the girl with chocolates was forced. What if the Mother told the girl she couldn't eat the candy until later, but the girl snuck the candy in defiance while the mother was addicted to her phone.

I "saw" the story as it was written, and I think it's a job well done.
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