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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    January 2019 -††One Week Challenge  ›  Grunge - OWC
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  Author    Grunge - OWC  (currently 560 views)
Don
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 12:12am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Grunge by Daniel Park - Short, RomCom - Jerry has a change of heart at a bookstore.  - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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Angry Bear
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 6:42am Report to Moderator
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Page   1.  You need to CAP character's names when you first introduce them.

You go from Cafe to office. Two different types of scenes. Therefore there shouldn't be a CONTINUOUS since it's not a continuation of the Cafe scene. Unless your slug says INT. CAFE - OFFICE.

Yuck! I hate Axe!  

You tell us Jerry continues to check his smart phone, but you never told us he had one in the first place, so you can skip continues.

Page   3.  Same CONTINUOUS issue here. You can write just KITCHEN or APARTMENT - KITCHEN. Just nitpicking...

If there is a Jerry and a Jerry 2.0, you might want to show us some difference in the two. Does he speak in a different voice or does his demeanor or posture change. Give us something, so we can see some difference in the two personalities.

INT. FREEZER? Is Jerry inside a freezer?

Would've been a nice touch if the chocolate was in some fancy box or something, alluding to him having bought it with intent to give to Sara.

Page   4.  What does Jerry tripping balls mean?

Jerry arrives at the book store in the late afternoon, but he doesn't stumble into the store until night? What happened in the time between afternoon and night?

Page   5.  Is Sandy the woman in the red shoes? If so, you should introduce her by name right away. Right now, it seems she's a different woman.

Why is Jerry sweating. Need some better description there so we know why, otherwise it could just be because his hot.

Don't quite understand the SHOT thing. Is it Jerry's P.O.V?

Page   6.  Slug issue again.

Page   8.  FIN. Haven't seen that in awhile. In Swedish it's SLUT, but that doesn't look good in English!  

All in all, not a bad effort. You checked all the boxes story and challenge wise. Writing was fine, but good be improved a little with some of the technical stuff just for clarification. Some odd spacing between lines here and there. All easy fixes, so good job!  


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ReneC
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 3:15pm Report to Moderator
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Spoilers!

This isnít bad, it just needs work. I like the setup, it misleads in a great way so the eventual meet cute is surprising. I dig that they meet while both tripping, itís a great connection and suggests they suit each other.

The dialogue isnít great, especially with the friend trying to get him out and his mind off his ex. You should differentiate Jerry 2.0 like Pia said, make him an exaggerated version of himself to amp up the funny. Make their argument more humorous than desperate.

You tell the reader heís tripping on the bike but you need to show it. Make it obvious, either as an observer or the first use of trippy vision.

Good entry, I like it overall.


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irish eyes
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 3:36pm Report to Moderator
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CAPS when you intro a character... usually the character's name isn't in the log line.

Not bad.. 2 stoners meet at the library and voila! and happy ending.

Not really funny though.

Good job on entering


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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 5:18pm Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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A good attempt.

The television going on the fritz was cute. Like that's all he needs.  

The swearing always turns me off. Unless it's really part of the character's world, but just F this and F that is so weak to me.

I liked the idea of his strategy to deal with lost love. Read! Read, read, read!

It ends on a positive note. I like that.

Sandra




A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 5:23pm Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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Quoted from ReneC
Spoilers!

You should differentiate Jerry 2.0 like Pia said, make him an exaggerated version of himself to amp up the funny. Make their argument more humorous than desperate.

Good entry, I like it overall.


That's a good comment above re: making Jerry 2.0 more humorous. I was reading it that way, but I guess I was just feeling your intent through the label: 2.0

Yeah, amp that up.

Sandra




A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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Warren
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 8:47pm Report to Moderator
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Hi writer,

There are too many entries to get too detailed, but I'd be happy to give anyone detailed feedback after the OWC.

Saying that there are some basic grammar and formatting issue that would be easy enough to fix.

It's a relatively cute story but it doesn't quiet get there for me. The comedy didn't land so much with me, but that could be quite a personal feeling as I'm very much over the stoner comedy gag. The romance aspect is light on but it is there. All other parameters were met.

Not a bad effort for a week but I'm sorry to say I don't think it will be a contender.

All the best.


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Warren  -  February 2nd, 2019, 10:20pm
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Zombie Sean
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 3:11pm Report to Moderator
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This was cute. The first true romantic comedy I've read thus far. I liked the story but the formatting was a bit off for me. Just the way you pointed out specific shots and notes, etc. Had a nice flow to it, and the ending was wrapped up nicely. It sounds like Jerry and Sandy are a good fit for each other. The name Jerry 2.0 was funny to me as well. Good job.


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eldave1
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 4:21pm Report to Moderator
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The theme was met and the story is okay.  That being said, there are so many typos, format issues, etc. that it disrupts the read.

Will definitely take another look when it's cleaned up.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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grademan
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 8:17pm Report to Moderator
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Grunge. A rom com with stoners. It started to work when JERRY got to the library and met the girl from another dimension. More of that please.
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LC
Posted: February 4th, 2019, 3:15am Report to Moderator
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Hmm, tis not bad.

I liked the opening with the skull and crossbones designs on the coffee, Great visual, funny, and speaks to character straight off.

Cut the stuff with the flatmate, Jerry can always get a party invite via text.

I liked Jerry and Sandy.
Sweet ending with him pedaling back for her.
Let's just hope they like each other when they're out of their fog.


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Matthew Taylor
Posted: February 4th, 2019, 5:43am Report to Moderator
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Hello Writer

The exchange on page 2 with the roommate might be a bit unnecessary.

Page 3, the conversation with himself - Struggling to imagine this, does 2.0 have a different voice? a different demeanour?

Ok I'm done -  a lot of what I have read i would not class as a Rom Com - this one I would class as one, so well done on that. The rose played a part, the red - more of a prop I would say, the chocolate was pointless - it seems crammed in to fit the criteria.

It's not bad, Thought the humour could have come out more. Maybe a bit more tension in the ending, he quickly cycles back, shes gone, he searches frantically, all looks lost and BAM there she is.

Anyway, well done on your entry

Matt


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hawkeye
Posted: February 5th, 2019, 9:36am Report to Moderator
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Not really a rom com, in my opinion.  The laughs are attempted, but mostly drug related and they tend to fall flat.


There's some notes in the script, like: (NOTE: Jerry is tripping balls).  Don't put that in a note. show us how he is tripping balls.  Same with the camera angles and shot direction.

Meeting her at the bookstore was actually where this picked up.  I would have started the script there, and carried it forward, finding out what happens at the party later, etc.  To me that would have been a more interesting story.

Just my two cents,
Gary


My web site and scripts can be found here:

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Dreamscale
Posted: February 5th, 2019, 10:13am Report to Moderator
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Hmmm...title page is terrible!  no space before your hyphen, then "a short film"?  WTF?  And we know the author, his E-Mai, and his phone #.  Ok...

FADE IN should be left aligned.

You start with "The sound of steaming milk...", which is quite odd, considering this isn't over black, and more importantly, how many peeps could distinguish "the sound of steaming milk"?  I'd say about .001%.

Character's 1st intro needs to be CAPPED.

The office scene is not CONTINUOUS.

No reason to use CUT TO

First it's DAY, and then Jerry gets fired, goes home and it's NIGHT?  That's a pretty heinous commute he's got there!

"Jerry throws his bag on the couch, reclines, and takes an
enormous pull from his BONG."  - OK, check this out.  You have Jerry doing 3 things here in this 1 line, but picture these 3 things actually happening...they're not like 1, 2, 3.  Before he can recline, he has to sit down.  Before can hit that bong, he has to grab it, and light it.  And, maybe more importantly, the scene starts with Jerry throwing his bag down.  Maybe show him walking into the apartment first?

The 2 passages that follow are all fucked up and really don't make any sense.

Jerry 2.0?  WTF?  Where does he appear?  Next to Jerry?

INT. FREEZER?  Jerry shrunk himself down and went into the fucking freezer?  Oh boy.  I'm out.  Sorry.

*



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DaveTroop
Posted: February 5th, 2019, 2:50pm Report to Moderator
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Let's see what we have here.

I won't point out the above mentioned formatting errors again, except to say that the
reviewers are correct and you should make an effort to change them.

I thought you made a decent attempt at meeting the criteria.  
Although I can't remember the roses.
The genre seemed like a stoner/comedy rather than a stoner romcom.  I feel if you focused on
Jerry and Sandy and cut the roommate out of the script, this would be better.

Start the story with Jerry and Sandy meeting at the party, both stoned, and leaving together. Once they both sober up, however, the passion is gone.  In order to make the relationship work, they must remain stoned.

Good effort.  

Thanks for entering the contest.
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