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I've read it, twice. and I still don't know what I think lol
Am I right in thinking that this is a case of mistaken identity and the other car that pulls up at the end is the actually Grindr date? - OK I have just seen the logline, yes mistaken identity lol
A couple of things didn't ring true for me. First, it was the reaction to this stranger getting in the car. I mean, he's just flashed him his cock and then got in his car - but he doesn't seem that bothered - maybe that's his character but it's not landing for me.
the second was Ben's change of heart, it didn't feel earned, what did Danni do to warrant it? apart from sexually harassing him. It felt like something was missing to get to that point.
Writing-wise you are clearly better than me so I can't really comment on that. It was an easy read, I didn't get held up anywhere along the way.
Obviously the above is just my amateur review, so you know, a pinch of salt and all that.
Best of luck to you
P.S is this your entry into that London screenwriting thing?
Yeah, I see what you mean. I really struggled to get what I needed within the 5 pages that are allowed for the London Screenwriting thing (yes, this is my entry btw). The first draft I did was longer and would have perhaps felt a bit more believable, but I had to be pretty ruthless cutting it down to the bone (without hopefully losing too much) just to stay within their criteria.
Still, I think I'm happy to go back in and tinkering with things if it helps with clarity and pacing.
I mean, I haven't had anything produced yet (1 in pre-production) so what I am saying could be complete nonsense lol.
The guy getting into his car - I would have thought his reaction would have been more on the anger/confrontational side (this is based on his current emotional state, banging his head on the steering wheel, the starting outburst he has in dialogue)
The change of heart - I don't think it needs to be longer, but what I thought was missing was the stranger saying something that hit home to the protag to make him rethink his position in suicide. Like a "could be worse, I could be this guy" or acts more like a mentor.
But yea, it is really hard to get a story into 5 pages - and with the restrictions of 2 people 1 car on top - so well done for getting a story out.
I did put an entry in, but I really rushed it as I wanted to get it done before the OWC started. Mine is a drama about a terrorist sitting in a van preparing for an attack, but a vision of his dead son appears in the cab I will put it up on SS soon if you are interested, it's called "The Voice of Innocence"
Solid suggestions! I think when it comes to a rewrite I'll have a lot more room to play with as won't have to deal with the same constraints and I'll definitely allow myself to play around with the pacing.
Congratulations with getting something into pre-production! Was it something off here?
And yes, I'm interested in taking a look. Sounds like a good idea. Had always wondered what those guys must think before they do something like that, just never thought of it as material for a short. Any idea when it'll be up?