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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Horror  ›  Unforetold
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  Author    Unforetold  (currently 460 views)
Don
Posted: February 27th, 2019, 5:22pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Unforetold by Jason Paul - Short, Horror - A mysterious man visits a psychic on a stormy night. 2 pages - pdf format

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Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  May 28th, 2019, 3:11pm
revised draft
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RobbieD
Posted: April 6th, 2019, 12:33pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Jason,

I really like the imagery at the start of this, it really drew in.

After that, I think things moved too quickly for me:

- The man didn't speak when he entered the psychic's house, she didn't didn't ask what he wanted, he didn't ask how much - they just got straight down to business - seemed odd to me and perhaps a missed opportunity to set things up.

- Also, he came in out of the rain, did he just sit down in wet clothes?

There wasn't any motive too - so I didn't get the set-up?  OK it could have just been a random thing I suppose, but might have been good if the 5x flashbacks were all of murders taking place during psychic readings?

Finally, RE; "Her shocked look quickly shifts from The Man's hands to the chair"

So how could she look from The Man's hands, if he had already moved by then?  Why didn't she feel her hand was empty when he moved?

I think there is a good story inside this one, and like your writing at the start - one to develop?


MADAME DORA, CLAIRVOYANT (Horror, Short)
MALLORY GOODE  (Horror, Short)
DIRTY GRANDAD DOT COM (Comedy, Short)
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