The Others Episode 1 "Alcahol" by Ravit Mishra - Short, Horror - A fear of the two men haunt them and somehow kill them.  6 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Some simple fixes to the format could go a long way from keeping readers from being confused and frustrated.

Reading “we see” over and over becomes tedious and slows down the reader.

Rather than using “WE SEE,” you could show what you want us to see in that line. Some of the best tips I have read is tothink of each section of descriptive narrative as a single shot and based on how much detail is in the narrative dictates what kind of shot is likely, wide, close, etc..

Quoted Text We hear footsteps. We see a man walking up the stairs. We don’t see his face. We hear a clock ticking. He walks up.

Can become...

Quoted Text FOOTSTEPS A MAN walks up the stairs. A CLOCK TICKS somewhere in the house.

The description underneath the speaking character should just be narrative.

Quoted Text                         LUCAS            Taking another sip from the bottle      Hey, and do you remember that asshole Jimmy from          sophomore year. He was such a big dumbass.

Could be...

Quoted Text LUCAS frowns, takes a sip of beer.                            LUCAS      Dude, it’s your third fucking bottle.         C’mon, Stop drinking.

Anyway, those are my two cents. Good luck!

BLB