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Smoothly written and, at least to my experience, it's the only script I've read that incorporates the rear view camera of a car. Very clever.
But there is something missing. For lack of a better term, I'll call it connectivity. Here, you have a toupee wearing dude hell bent on be younger/look younger. Also the type of guy seduced by material things. But none of this is connected to his demise. i.e., The story would not be different if he was a 20 year old female drug addict, a teacher, a cop, etc. etc. Somehow, you have to link his character flaws to his fate. Hope that makes sense.
I'll agree with what Dave said. Well-written with a cool premise (using the rearview backup camera).
However, the connectivity between the character and what happens to him seems a bit off. I thought it was going to be technology hellbent on this guy considering he's trying to blend in with the younger crowd and be all up with tech and gears and stuff.
But then these ghost kids come out of nowhere. While it could be a good horror, the story just seems a bit out of place with how it starts and how it ends. I would've much rather had his car come to life and eat him from the inside or something. Or maybe he dies of quick aging process by looking into the rearview camera and the car consumes his life energy to stay young and running itself lol who knows, considering how he wants to stay young from what the beginning suggests.
But ghost children, I feel do not fit. I also don't find them scary either, so maybe I am biased. Still, technically, it was good.
I really like the character, Ross, too. Some lovely description throughout the opening and right down to breathing in that new car scent.
I had a taste of green tea for the first time the other day. Yick!
Anthony, I always enjoy that you use the latest tech and wind a story around it. With that in mind I was really looking forward to what you had in store with the reversing camera.
Dave makes valid points re the vague connection between Ross's fastidious nature, and the connection with the ghost-kids.
Having said that the whole thing relies on the creepiness (visuals) of the kids just appearing in the back seat and the jump scare.
It may well be enough for horror filmmakers.
With that in mind I actually think this:
EXT. EVOQUE - CONTINUOUS The car shakes as if hit by a hurricane. A muffled SCREAM escapes, but nothing else does.
Is superfluous. I'd finish it on the girl's hand shooting out.
The only thing I would have liked would be more words from Stan (the car) perhaps warning of an obstruction , there's nothing there at first and Ross gets annoyed at his high tech gizmo with its false alarms.
Thanks for taking a read and the extra comments...
Libby - yep, I do love a good gadget and they often find their way into the scripts, and this one is because I just got a new car with a reversing camera though not an Evoque. And yes, this really is just a jump scare kinda short... a little more build up than a micro-short but not much more.
Agree re ending, will remove.
Andrew - I was going for the 'lonely old men talk to themselves' vibe, and I think that flies when there's only 5 (I think) short lines that are not to the kids... but it could almost go silent if needed.
First and foremost. It flows well, it's easy to visualize... and although I believe it accomplishes what it set out to do -- could this work without the dialogue? Just an observation. Good luck with this.
"When I dive... I go deep, only to surface the hub when necessary."
I just wanted to echo what the others wrote. It's a very smooth read that's easy to visualise and super clear. I agree with Dave and the others in that ideally there'd be something linking them in someway, but as it's such a short short, I don't think it's a biggy. Still, wouldn't hurt to flesh it out a bit in a rewrite perhaps.
That is if it doesn't get snapped up before then. I bet this is the kind of thing I bet aspiring horror directors love.
Smeg? Chic? Is this more British lingo, or am I just really dumb? Probably both. ;P
You're a very descriptive writer. Maybe a bit too descriptive. Take that witch a grain of salt though, as I'm on the complete opposite side of the spectrum when it comes to writing action. I'm too vague. ;p
Lots of action lines starting with "He". Look at the bottom of page 1 and the top of page 2. You got six sentences in a row that begin with "He". Doesn't bother me personally, but I know some find that kind of stuff repetitive.
Page 2: Well to be precise - right there on the reversing camera. -- I'd include this in the action line just above it. Each action line is a separate shot, or at least that's what I've been led to believe.
And done. I like it. Good, creepy short. Not much in the way of explanation, just the way I like it. Only suggestion is to maybe cut the opening scene with Ross in the kitchen, as it didn't really add anything to the story. Just start this with Ross exiting his house and approaching his fancy new ride.