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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Horror  ›  Rear View
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Don
Posted: March 10th, 2019, 11:31am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Rear View by Anthony Cawood - Short, Horror - An elderly gent with distinctly modern tastes wishes he'd never got a car with a reversing camera. 4 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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eldave1
Posted: March 10th, 2019, 12:00pm Report to Moderator
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Some good things here.  

Smoothly written and, at least to my experience, it's the only script I've read that incorporates the rear view camera of a car. Very clever.

SPOILERS

But there is something missing. For lack of a better term, I'll call it connectivity. Here, you have a toupee wearing dude hell bent on be younger/look younger. Also the type of guy seduced by material things.  But none of this is connected to his demise. i.e., The story would not be different if he was a 20 year old female drug addict, a teacher, a cop, etc. etc. Somehow, you have to link his character flaws to his fate. Hope that makes sense.



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Zombie Sean
Posted: March 10th, 2019, 12:25pm Report to Moderator
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Anthony,

I'll agree with what Dave said. Well-written with a cool premise (using the rearview backup camera).

However, the connectivity between the character and what happens to him seems a bit off. I thought it was going to be technology hellbent on this guy considering he's trying to blend in with the younger crowd and be all up with tech and gears and stuff.

But then these ghost kids come out of nowhere. While it could be a good horror, the story just seems a bit out of place with how it starts and how it ends. I would've much rather had his car come to life and eat him from the inside or something. Or maybe he dies of quick aging process by looking into the rearview camera and the car consumes his life energy to stay young and running itself lol who knows, considering how he wants to stay young from what the beginning suggests.

But ghost children, I feel do not fit. I also don't find them scary either, so maybe I am biased. Still, technically, it was good.


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AnthonyCawood
Posted: March 10th, 2019, 2:44pm Report to Moderator
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Dave/Sean - thanks for taking a read and your comments, appreciated as always.

Dave - yep, kinda on purpose... he's a contrast to the children in terms of age BUT he could be anyone - but I liked him as a character

Sean, nice take on the camera, sort of Dorian Grey camera... could work.  


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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LC
Posted: March 10th, 2019, 7:13pm Report to Moderator
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I really like the character, Ross, too. Some lovely description throughout the opening and right down to breathing in that new car scent.

I had a taste of green tea for the first time the other day. Yick!

Anthony, I always enjoy that you use the latest tech and wind a story around it. With that in mind I was really looking forward to what you had in store with the reversing camera.

Dave makes valid points re the vague connection between Ross's fastidious nature, and the connection with the ghost-kids.

Having said that the whole thing relies on the creepiness (visuals)  of the kids just appearing in the back seat and the jump scare.

It may well be enough for horror filmmakers.

With that in mind I actually think this:

EXT. EVOQUE - CONTINUOUS
The car shakes as if hit by a hurricane.
A muffled SCREAM escapes, but nothing else does.

Is superfluous. I'd finish it on the girl's hand shooting out.

The only thing I would have liked would be more words from Stan (the car) perhaps warning of an obstruction , there's nothing there at first and Ross gets annoyed at his high tech gizmo with its false alarms.

Dash-Cam up next?


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Andrew
Posted: March 10th, 2019, 10:20pm Report to Moderator
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Pretty much a mirror of what others have said.

Technically, it's well-written, but the the splice between the opening and the conclusion seems off.

I personally didn't like the dialogue - obviously it's a tool to voice his feelings, but I think the character would be better if you developed a tic or mannerism that performs that function instead.


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AnthonyCawood
Posted: March 11th, 2019, 4:01am Report to Moderator
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Hey Libby/Andrew

Thanks for taking a read and the extra comments...

Libby - yep, I do love a good gadget and they often find their way into the scripts, and this one is because I just got a new car with a reversing camera though not an Evoque. And yes, this really is just a jump scare kinda short... a little more build up than a micro-short but not much more.

Agree re ending, will remove.

Andrew - I was going for the 'lonely old men talk to themselves' vibe, and I think that flies when there's only 5 (I think) short lines that are not to the kids... but it could almost go silent if needed.



Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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_ghostwriter
Posted: March 11th, 2019, 8:26pm Report to Moderator
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@Anthony

First and foremost.  It flows well, it's easy to visualize... and although I believe it accomplishes what it set out to do -- could this work without the dialogue?  Just an observation.  Good luck with this.

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Max Ruddock
Posted: March 11th, 2019, 8:53pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Anthony,

I just wanted to echo what the others wrote. It's a very smooth read that's easy to visualise and super clear. I agree with Dave and the others in that ideally there'd be something linking them in someway, but as it's such a short short, I don't think it's a biggy. Still, wouldn't hurt to flesh it out a bit  in a rewrite perhaps.

That is if it doesn't get snapped up before then. I bet this is the kind of thing I bet aspiring horror directors love.

Cheers

Max


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