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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Drama Scripts  ›  Thursday Girl
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  Author    Thursday Girl  (currently 578 views)
Don
Posted: March 17th, 2019, 11:45am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Thursday Girl by Ben Clifford - Short, Drama - A teenage girl, guilty over her role in a friend's death, attempts to find catharsis by spilling the beans to her friend's grieving mother.  10 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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AlsoBen
Posted: March 17th, 2019, 1:20pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for getting this up! I haven't been active (writing or reading) in a while but my IRL circumstances have changed and I'd like to get back into the swing of reading and reviewing. This is my first short in over a year. Thanks everyone!


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Warren
Posted: March 17th, 2019, 3:28pm Report to Moderator
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Hey mate, long time no see.

I'll get into this today at some point.

Welcome back.


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AlsoBen
Posted: March 17th, 2019, 11:51pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks Warren - P.S I watched your Insomnia short - amazing. 200k views on Youtube????


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Warren
Posted: March 18th, 2019, 4:11pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Hi Ben,

Thanks, it's really gone nuts with the views on that one. I'm looking forward to saying it has a quarter of a million views.

You should get Don to put What a Good Boy Does on the site.

On to the review. I did read it yesterday but didn’t have time to circle back and write a review. I also started Toxic and hope to finish that today.

Does the title link to the story in a way I'm not quite understanding?

I'm personally a fan of a FADE IN and FADE OUT, but it’s not a big deal.

The first thing that really stands out is the camera directing, I'm sure you’ve heard it all before but unless you are planning on filming this yourself there really isn’t much point. I'm not saying it’s wrong or a 'rule', I think it pulls you out of the read. I also think there are effective ways to write your action to give the reader the picture you want them to see without the use of camera directions.


Quoted Text
Note: this scene is entirely silent.


Same issue with this, who is this note to? The director? At the end of the day he is going to do whatever he wants with your script. I don’t know that having it silent really adds anything either. When you say entirely silent do you mean no score either?


Quoted Text
A RABBI is seen, but not heard


This is redundant as you’ve already told us this that it’s silent.

The dialogue, as always, is a strong point.

I'm not sure what the take away is for this story. Does anyone change or learn anything? The girls end up exactly where they started.

I think there is a really solid idea here with the girl’s intentions and the death, but I don’t think it quite got there with the ending.

Now onto Toxic, which I am already liking, it's reminiscent of some of your older work which I was a big fan of.



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Warren  -  March 18th, 2019, 8:26pm
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eldave1
Posted: March 18th, 2019, 7:17pm Report to Moderator
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Ben: gave this a read.

I Don't think you need the camera directions. You're a solid writer and you don't need to rely on them.

SPOILERS

Sorry, but I didn't get the point of the story. Almost like it's not done - or a scene out of a feature.

You have a protag that we have to hate (a druggie that left her best friend dying and one who seemed inconvenienced to be at that friend's funeral). So we have a despicable girl and then the grieving mother. At the end she tells the mother how the daughter died and that she left her for dead. Next scene - all is the same back in the field.

If you want to bring me in, I got to see your protag racked with guilt for how she left her friend, maybe committed to changing to be a better person and the reveal to the mother has to have some meaning in it.

Sorry - solid writing for sure, but the story didn't land IMO.





My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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AlsoBen
Posted: March 20th, 2019, 1:22am Report to Moderator
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Hey guys, thanks for reading. I think you both touched on some similar issues for my next draft.

I'm not sure how I feel about the camera directions. Of course the director will do whatever s/he wants, but sometimes it works to build style. Maybe not in this case?

Re: character change and direction, I'm not sure what else I could do here. Eldave, there's two scenes in the middle of the script that I meant to develop protag's anguish and guilt and I don't think they are very subtle. It's her motivation for the final scene.

As for the theme/point? I agree that I didn't develop it clearly due to wanting subtext, but essentially it's about how you can privilege your own catharsis of guilt - telling the truth - over how that doesn't actually help anyone but you. So yeah, things don't really change. You still feel bad and so does the victim.


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eldave1
Posted: March 20th, 2019, 11:10am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from AlsoBen
Hey guys, thanks for reading. I think you both touched on some similar issues for my next draft.

I'm not sure how I feel about the camera directions. Of course the director will do whatever s/he wants, but sometimes it works to build style. Maybe not in this case?

Re: character change and direction, I'm not sure what else I could do here. Eldave, there's two scenes in the middle of the script that I meant to develop protag's anguish and guilt and I don't think they are very subtle. It's her motivation for the final scene.

As for the theme/point? I agree that I didn't develop it clearly due to wanting subtext, but essentially it's about how you can privilege your own catharsis of guilt - telling the truth - over how that doesn't actually help anyone but you. So yeah, things don't really change. You still feel bad and so does the victim.


You do the camera directions very well. It is just a taste thing for me and mostly from a reader's perspective. I start to get immersed - CAMERA DIRECTION - oh, yeah I'm reading a screenplay. I want to read a story. So, it's just a taste thing - keep them if you think they work. They are well done and clear.

On Kylie - I re-read and think I was a bit harsh. She is certainly more sympathetic then I thought from the first read.  Just a thought, but if it was clearer that she would face some consequences (e.g., charged with breaking and entering, drug use, etc) and the pressure from Sierra to keep her mouth shut it might ramp up the agony over the decision whether to tell the mother what happen somewhat.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Andrew
Posted: March 20th, 2019, 7:43pm Report to Moderator
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Hard to know what to make of this.

Even though the topic is unrelentingly bleak, and in theory there should be tension, it feels oddly devoid of tension and conflict.

I think part of that is the VO, which suggests a retelling, but then it abruptly stopped. I wasn't clear as to why it stopped, and from when and where it was actually taking place?

Either way, I don't think the VO serves your story in any practical way. Also, the writing is good, no doubt, but at times it feels dense, tough to get through, and for me at least, it was a struggle to get through it. The camera directions don't help, as you are pulled from the story, and the purpose of the angle is for a visual; I prefer the words, in and of themselves, to be evocative, with the focus of the screenplay being story. I think you can dispense with the camera angles.

The other thing is I struggled to see a real structure in place, and maybe it is for this reason conflict and tension weren't present, for me. When I am going through this story, I'm asking myself:

- What are the stakes?
- Why does this story exist?
- What is it saying thematically?
- Why should I care?

I couldn't really answer those questions.

Going back, this seems a very negative review, which I didn't intend for it to be; I think you have real skill in the craft, but I found this story frustratingly opaque.


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