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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Thriller Scripts  ›  Rouge Phoenix
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Don
Posted: March 24th, 2019, 11:19am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Rogue Phoenix by Cobby Hemingway - Short, Thriller, Horror, Drama, Slasher - On a family vacation, a young woman finds herself in a dangerous situation when four men show up uninvited in her family's cabin. 49 pages - pdf format

New writer interested in feedback on this work


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

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Don  -  March 27th, 2019, 10:28am
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Arundel
Posted: May 29th, 2019, 11:54pm Report to Moderator
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Pretty solid, and you have a good logline which draws the reader in but doesn't give too much away. Liked the main character and also the supporting characters. They were all believable and most of their actions were character driven.

Flashbacks can be way overdone but here they helped to explain the story. If I could think of a better way to present the material with a different device I'd suggest it, but I can't so I'll just leave it at that.

Sure, some parts were far-fetched (mainly with some of the dialog at the end leading up to the climax between the main character and the intruders) but with a little trimming and restructuring that can be tightened.
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