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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Drama Scripts  ›  Calling Out To Tommy Moderators: bert
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  Author    Calling Out To Tommy  (currently 634 views)
Don
Posted: April 7th, 2019, 10:24am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Calling Out To Tommy by Shaun S Needham - Drama, War - Disillusioned with the horrors of World War Two, a compassionate British soldier forms an alliance with a German prisoner of war as he attempts to get home to see his new born daughter. 97 pages

contestShore Scripts 2016 quarter-finals - pdf format

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Matthew Taylor
Posted: April 9th, 2019, 10:36am Report to Moderator
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Hello, fellow Brit - I've started this as I do like war movies - especially ones that tell human stories and are not all about explosions and death.

Disclaimer: I'm an unproduced amateur - These are just my thoughts and feelings when reading.

Alrighty - I'm a stickler for details and accuracies - others accuse me of being a pedant - BUT, mistakes in movies will be found, and if there are loads of them, can kill a movie - London in 1944 would not have gas lit streets - this was blackout era, street lights were turned off so not to show German bombers where the target was.
There would also not be any police sirens - police cars at that time used bells.

Format - you have triple-spaced your sluglines (I don't know if double or triple is considered "standard" - but who cares) but you have only double spaced your mini-slugs - personally I would keep it consistent and do the same for both - as the mini slugs are getting a bit lost in the fray at the moment (for me anyway)

OK - more inaccuracies here - he gets his conscription letter on 2nd May 1944 and is storming the beach on 6th June 1944? not a chance.
Being early twenties I would also expect him to have been conscripted much earlier in the war - unless he was exempt for some reason.

Anway - the inaccuracies don't take away from your core story at all. Just trying to highlight that some research is required. I'll stop harping on about them now...

You have built Tommy up well - I get a feel for him, I can empathize with him - I care what happens to him and I am interested in his story. You also highlight his flaws straight away, which is a good thing - it's amazing how many protagonists come across as "perfect"

The writing is a little rough around the edges but I can generally see what you want me to see.

I'll come back to this one and focus on the story more rather than the historical inaccuracies lol

All the best

Matt


Feature

42.2

Two steps to writing a good screenplay:
1) Write a bad one
2) Fix it
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Matthew Taylor
Posted: April 11th, 2019, 9:41am Report to Moderator
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Philips comes across as a bit too villainous - a typical characterization of a bad guy doing bad things for the sake of it. He could probably be fleshed out more - right now he does not feel realistic.



Quoted Text
Tommy sees the guns beside him.

Tommy reaches for the guns. Philips notices and pins Tommy�s
arm to the ground.

Philips reaches for the guns. He has a hand on one of them
when Tommy escapes from beneath him.

Tommy gets a hand on the gun. Both men tussle over it.
Philips, eventually comes out victorious.

Tommy lays on the ground on his back and breathes heavily.

Philips gets to his feet and points the gun at Tommy.

Tommy looks uncomfortable. He puts his hand behind his back
and feels the steel of the other gun.

Tommy whips the gun out from beneath him and points it at
Philips.

Tommy scrambles to his feet and the two men stare each other
down, guns pointed at each other.

More explosions in the town behind Philips.

Tommy grips the gun tight and shakes.

Philips smiles.


Try changing the perspective in your descriptions, they can definitely flow better. Look at the above, it's really "Tommy does this... Tommy does this...."

Yea this is a script for a movie, a blueprint - but we don't want to write so matter-of-factly - You gotta show the beats of the scene, the emotions - make the read itself exciting - If the read is boring, chances are any script readers/producers will beleive the movie to be boring.

take a scene in your first Act...


Quoted Text

Bombs fall.

The camp burns.

Soldiers shoot at the sky and are gunned down as the planes
return fire.

Tommy takes a deep breath and runs between explosions.

Tommy stops beside the

PRISON ENCLOSURE

where the barbed wire fence is completely destroyed.

Gerhard crawls, in pain, across the grass. He stops and
clutches his leg.

Tommy looks back and sees Philips and the Soldiers fire their
rifles into the sky as the German planes make another pass.


It's devoid of excitement and emotion - bombs fall - where are the sound effects here? KABOOM, BANG - blah blah blah (alright, you don't HAVE to have sound effects, but I like them) - this is a high-intensity scene but the descriptions of it don't convey that. When reading it, I want to be made to feel like I am WATCHING the scene unfold before me. bombs fall just isn't very descriptive.

I'm not great at explaining myself, so I am just going to leave this scene from Saving Private Ryan...

Capture

This isn't a spec script - but - See how this creates very clear imagery? conveys emotions and follows a good beat through the scene?

Best of luck to you in your writing  

Matt


Feature

42.2

Two steps to writing a good screenplay:
1) Write a bad one
2) Fix it

Revision History (3 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Matthew Taylor  -  April 15th, 2019, 9:21am
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