Black Friday by Shaun S Needham - Horror - On the busiest shopping day of the year, a squeamish marine braves the sales to save his relationship with his unfaithful girlfriend. There's just one problem; the mall is infested with blood-sucking vampires. 85 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hi, Don.  

Great concept.  

I read 10 pages thus far (my apologies: I'm a slow reader).  Will get to the rest.

A few notes (hopefully welcomed):

1. If you're movie (script) is gonna start slow, I think it might be a good idea to go in with a bang and then go into the slow, i.e. make use of a hook in the 1st few scenes.  Does pages 9/ 10 church graveyard scene work better as a Hook rather than Inciting Incident?  Something to consider.  

2. The script has some over-directing in it.  For example, the opening sequence of Johnny dressing up -- it could be done as a one or two sentence descriptive action narrative.  A director could then decide if they wanna do it as a series of shots.  If you are directing the movie yourself, then of course my point becomes moot.  

3. I think the script isn't getting into the plot quick enough and I think it's not focusing on plot enough in general. What might help is for every scene to either define character, provide exposition or reveal plot.  

In summary, I think a good thing to consider would be whether to Church Graveyard scene up as a hook.  And also, applying the convention of getting into your scenes late and leaving them early.  The former should give the story pop, and the latter should help hone scenes.  For honing plot, one thing to consider might be doing a beat sheet.  Some people do it before starting a script; I like doing it at the end; at what stage you would like doing it can and should be up to you... but I do think it will be helpful.  

Sorry for being verbose.  Hope this help (and best of luck).