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Reap What You Sow by Warren Duncan (Warren) writing as A Simple Farmer - Short, Drama - Upon returning to her childhood home, a young woman recalls memories from her past. A past in which monsters were very real. 12 pages - pdf format
The VO feels unnecessary. Be confident that what the audience will see will tell the story. VO to explain what is going on is sometimes a bad sign.
Abigail’s left hand, an obviously prosthetic hand. – Why not say, ‘wedged between the thumb and forefinger of her prosthetic hand’?
‘YOUNG ABIGAIL, 8, with both her original hands,’ reads weird. How about YOUNG Abigail, 8, before the incident.
Then there’s the mother ‘one hand sits dutifully atop her husbands shoulder’ there’s an obsession with hands throughout this script.
I don’t get the Sowing title card.
Page 3, I think I see where this story is going but no vehicles yet
Finished it. A vehicle finally turned up at the end but there were no surprises. I worked out what was going to happen by page 3. I think the flashforward at the beginning ruins any such surprise as we know she survives, and we know she loses an arm right before the story begins.
Not a horror for me, more drama, but there was a suspenseful moment in the fields. Well done for entering.
-Mark
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This one was well written, and a pretty good story. A sad one. Not much horror. I suppose the true horror is a father being capable of these offences, but it's not a horror.
Instead of a vehicle being the focus of a horror story, you have made a girl's sexual abuse the focus with the combine being the monster. A finely written story and one with heart.
Couple typos in first 3 pages. Not yet bothered by them.
"his hand flies through the air" Huh? Okay, I get it now. But, confusing at first. Consider rewriting the line.
("Wakey, wake --" Are you from Chicago? If you are, and, you're a diehard hockey fan, you'll understand my question... If you aren't... ignore the question.)
Okay, done.
Wow. That was really good. Only problem... it doesn't feel like horror to me. So, I'm not sure what to do with that.
Top notch, though.
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Writing is good out of the gate, but gets a bit awkward near the bottom and top of Page 2. The thing about the prosthetic hand could be written so much clearer and even save a line. Opening passage on top of Page 2 is also very awkwardly phrased.
Page 3 - " opens the it ever so slightly" - delete "the"
"Through the ajar door she gazes into the --" - Very awkward again. It's strange, as the majority of your writing reads so well, then every now and then, something like this pops up.
Page 5 - more and more awkward lines/phrasings showing up. Maybe this was rushed? Also, no horror whatsoever, other than these monsters Dad has warned of. Zero suspense in a vehicle. Hope this changes soon.
Page 6 - "Donald’s in the middle of a bedtime story." - Lines like this are never a good thing is a script.
"He leaves to help Helen." - And this kind of line, which I'm seeing more and more are NEVER NECESSARY in a script. You're telling us something we cannot know...but it's also something that we should assume, so bottom line is it's unnecessary.
Page 10 - "Could that be Donald?" - Oh no...don't go there...please, don't go there. This is an aside that is completely and totally unnecessary.
OK, the end.
It's a well thought out script, and well structured, but for me, you went overboard with the changing times, and gave away what was going to happen very early on, which is a mistake, IMO.
The real problems though, are that there isn't any horror here. There isn't any suspense in a vehicle, and for sure, very little vehicle time, period. It doesn't qualify for these parameters, and I'm just wondering why you chose to go this route.
I see a lot of comments about giving everything away at the beginning, but I disagree. You set up a sense of dread that ran throughout. Yes, we knew what was going to happen, just like in those hints Zack gave us we knew what was going to happen with the shark. You told us what was going to happen right from the start, and then you made us go through it, uncomfortable in that knowing, dreading the moment when it comes. You did it very well, too.
Except, when it came down to it, you couldn't deliver because of the parameters of the challenge. This piece was brutal all the way up to Abigail losing her hand. The moment you absolutely had to show after all the lead up, her cradling her shortened limb, Donald's reaction, and you felt you couldn't, or so I suspect. A lot hinged on that.
I was okay with the V.O. at the start. It was effective and well done. The ending didn't quite sit right with me though. Maybe because of the exposition, maybe because of the time jump and the realization that nothing really came of it all. Abigail left because of the rape, but in the end you kind of proved Donald to be in the right. Donald seems to be let off really easy. He hung himself eight years later and it could have been for any number of reasons, starting with cancer from the pesticides. Now, if he'd left a note that tied directly to these events, that would have been a satisfying ending.
I have to agree that this wasn't really horror. A thriller, sure, but not horror. I don't dock for that though, you got inspired and wrote to the challenge and it's sure close enough to the mark for me.
A decent story that got the suspense, horror and twist right, but came up short on the vehicle end of the parameters. And I believe that setting most of the story in a vehicle was the whole point of the challenge. However, I don't think this story wouldn't work as well in any other setting, so I'd leave it as it is.
Yeah this would win most other OWCs that were drama based. There is horror of course in the form of child abuse but the harvester as the vehicle is almost a throw in to fulfil the criteria.
Very well written but may not be in the voters mind at the pointy end of the week
An old, faded black-and-white family photo lies wedged between the thumb and forefinger of Abigail’s left hand, an obviously prosthetic hand.
This is the second sentence like this on the first page. The writing is good, but it could be tighter. You mention that her hand is prosthetic as an aside when you could just write it straight out.
An old, faded black-and-white family photo lies wedged between the thumb and forefinger of Abigail’s prosthetic left hand.
The first time you did it was in regard to the pink vanity table. You describe it in two sentences when it can take just one. This could also be an editing issue where you may not have had time to go through and tighten your action lines. I'm only pointing it out just in case you aren't aware of it.
Code
Helen dressed as a housewife should,
I don't understand this. You're the writer, describe things properly and well. I don't want to have to think for you in this regard.
This was well written, perhaps in my top 3 of best writing out of all the scripts read so far.
But it was light on horror and suspense with a vehicle absent for the most part. As others said more of a drama than horror so doesn't quite check all the OWC boxes for me.
Still, a nice well written story so congrats on that.
This one has a lot going for it. The structure is well thought out, and all the puzzle pieces fit together just so.
I don't have much to say -- there is very little to criticize here -- apart from niggling as to whether or not this script adheres to the spirit of the OWC assignment. I'll leave that debate to others, but otherwise, this feels like a contender.