The Woodsman by James Jay - Short, Horror - When a cheating hubby needs a his wife to disappear he doesn't bank on her rescue of a small Woodsmans child.  - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Is James Jay your real name or made up for the entry? It's on the title page with your email and the challenge is supposed to be anonymous.

Hmmmm...that was odd. A lot of weirdness going on with this one. Are the Woodsman and little girl mutes? Why no dialog? The first page seemed like a pantomime.

When it only cost a dime for gum and a phone call, I thought this must of taken place decades ago, but then they use mobile phones too. When and where does this take place?

Some best practice tips: Capitalize characters when they get introduced; spell out numbers (unless it's written text like the letter); watch your action verbs and how you tell the reader what to think or feel.

Kudos for getting an entry in for the challenge.

Let's start with the logline - sadly, it's terrible.  So many mistakes in a single line. I'm very worried what's to follow.  But, hey, I'm open, let's see...

OK, sorry, but this ain't gonna fly. So many mistakes, so much oddity.  I know better and am out on Page 1.  Sorry.

*

I got a pretty good headache and felt my eyes dance unnaturally as I read that first giant block of action on page 1.   It's like reading one long run on sentence.  

I couldn't make it past the first page.  

  

Hi writer,

Seems to be a lot of focus on this gum, I hope its a major plot point.

The SUPER is completely incorrectly handled. It would come after the next scene heading and be superimposed over a visual like so: SUPER: ONE MONTH LATER.

You need to capitalise initial intros.

Not entirely sure what I just read. Not for me unfortunately.

All the best.

Okay that was a wild ride!

Felt like it was written in a rush, but then again most OWC entries are. I had to re-read a few times and I'm still not sure what the girl at the beginning and the bubblgeum had to do with anything, but this has tones of a Tarrinton style thriller. No horror for me but an enjoyable enough read.

-Mark

The inclusion of an e-mail address suggests you're using your real name. That's a no-no. I'll let it slide this time, but if I notice it in the next challenge, I'll dock some points.

Page one... CAP those character intros.

"something's just not right about it." Okay, the drivers can see that something's just not right about it... they're giving it a wide berth... so, why not go ahead and tell US what's not right about it?

"she finds them both odd"... again, why don't you tell us what the woman sees that strikes her as odd? This isn't a novel, we can't see what's in the woman's head.

And, finished... okay, not sure that was horror. But, close enough that I won't score down for it.

I like that you brought the story back around. I was afraid that opening sequence was going to be for naught. So, good job there.

I wasn't sold on the moment he finds the truck. Felt a bit too convenient for story's sake.

All in all, it's okay. Lot's of cleanup in the writing needed. Needs to be more concise: a bit more show, and bit less tell.

Good starting point that needs more work.

The writing is very dense and I suspect this is a relative newbie given the lack of character intro Capitisation...

So I'll try keep that in mind and focus on the story.

Headings like 'One month later' are usually shown in a script as

SUPER: One Month Later

And they are left aligned.

Watch out for the logic in what you write, e.g.
Under tree cover he finds a flat-back truck. He feels it, touches it...cautiously. Empty.

How can feeling the outside of a truck tell Sam it's empty? Looking in it would...

I've no idea why the girl and her dad(?) don't speak, is there a reason? Also I'd give the girl a name as she's pivotal to the plot later on.

The gas in the vehicle, sorry that bit seems a massive stretch... I'd just change this to the Woodsman coming back and catching him.

So, we have a vehicle... no real Horror and suspense is at a minimum so I don't think this entirely fits the parameters.

BUT I did quite like the story - I think this is worth re-writting/fixing, could get picked up as it's relatively straightforward to produce.

Not very well written.  Format errors and the writing was dense in places.  Sorry, not for me.

Nothing worse than opening a script to be faced with a wall of text, especially in the first paragraph. Keep your descriptions lean, no more than 3 lines if possible.

You are over explaining everything to the point that it's grating to read. Descriptions are very clunky and missing any sort of flair.

Aside from that you've got the basics down but I recommend you read a lot of scripts to get a feel for how to present a story.

Like the others here said just hard to get through, sorry.

Congrats on entering though.

Hello writer

You must be new. The writing screams amateur. (Not saying it as a negative, just pointing it out as my review is now based on the fact I think you are new to writing)

Break up your action blocks - new action = new block. Keep them to 4 lines or less.
You also need to pace the scenes better, it's all so rushed - they do a lot of action in a few lines - action that would take longer on screen than you have allocated to the page.

It's all very "he did this then this and then she did this" - there's no emotion at all, no setting the scene - nothing - it's very matter of fact.
But you are new (I hope) this will come with practice and study.

The story was not a horror, I don't remember any suspense and hardly any vehicle - so for the challenge, I am gonna have to DQ it in my scoring.

Outside of the challenge, I was confused - I see you tried to link back to the beginning with the gum, but I didn't get it - was the woodsman actually the girl in the beginning?

Well done for putting in an entry though

Matt

Don't be discouraged in writing because everyone is pointing out that you must be new. Everyone starts somewhere, I sure did.

I would look at a few scripts and go over a few drafts to make it look clean. As others have said, walls of text are off-putting.

Anytime there is a new "shot" or "action" I would suggest breaking up the text. Makes things a lot easier. If the script is hard to read, people will bail quickly.

Try to make the script a bit more visual to tell your story. Try to be creative with the elements, make your story stand out more. This one lacks horror and the suspense is extremely minimal.

Take another stab at it if you want to seriously consider writing.

Based on my middle-of-the-road screenwriter opinion, not yet getting paid as a pro, but no new either...you may very well be at the beginning stage, but you are at that stage with promise.

I will not piggyback on what others' have said, but I will say this, my chest hurts from reading this. Too. Funny.  I laughed.  Out loud.  First off, I must say that I like your sense of humor, so I know that you are not just capable of being funny, but that you actually are funny.  What genre and tone were you going for? I thought this was supposed to be suspense/horror/thriller something. But this felt like a silly comedy. Which is fine, I guess, if that's what you are going for.  Unfortunately, the suspense and horror was lacking.  

A rule of thumb I try to adhere to: Make your reader read down the page, not across.

Quoted Text HONEY WE'RE HOME AND DRY.

What does that mean?

Lots of pot holes. To name a few.  Does this takes pace in the 70s/80s?  I mean... everything seems to cost a dime.  The bubble gum machine.  The payphone.  And yet... Sam and Delilah have cellphones.  What gives?

The Woodsman motivations were not clear to me.  Is it because Eve was nice to the little girl in the beginning, or because he's playing the good samaritian?  I mean... the Woodman just plowed into a deer like some maniac.  Didn't bat an eye-lash.   And, one could reasonable assume the Woodman was going to kill Sam until Sam showed him the picture of Eve.  But If this were the case, then why go through all this?  Why not just have the Woodsman off Sam while he had him captive in his truck?

Just some random thoughts.  Nice effort.

THE WOODSMAN

It's like you hated writing it and because of that, I didn't enjoy reading it.

I liked this story a lot, but the suspense and horror were lacking. Also you describe the truck (and by extension, its occupants) as "not right." The only thing I noticed odd about them was that they don't talk. I was expecting them to be ghosts, or maybe even time travelers. Maybe the script would benefit if it had one of those elements.