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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Drama Scripts  ›  Bank Robber
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  Author    Bank Robber  (currently 729 views)
Don
Posted: April 30th, 2019, 2:08pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Bank Robber by Simon Parker - Short, Drama - The driver of a bank robbing gang returns home with his stolen money and now needs to think of a way to get rid of it. 7 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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AlsoBen
Posted: May 7th, 2019, 2:07am Report to Moderator
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Hey, this was well written from a technical standpoint - no issues with anything re: formatting or style.

Any time your characters talk about the robbery, it comes across really on the nose. Why does Harry need to spell out to Aaron that he just helped with a "bank robbery"? He was there. The audience would figure it out with Harry's protests of "just being the driver "you never would have gotten away without my driving" etc.

I think this would be more effective as a comedy. For one, it makes Ava's very sudden switch from complete shock to being willing to cover up a murder much more realistic - and her explanation of "well,  you watered my plants" (or whatever it was) works better as a joke.

Again, if you could establish more chemistry between Ava and Harry the script would work a lot better. The "happy ending" you have at the moment is two characters escaping with the money and I don't even know the nature of their relationship. Why do we root for Harry over the other guys involved in the robbery?  He was "only the driver" but why is he our protagonist?

Just some thoughts


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DustinBowcot
Posted: May 7th, 2019, 2:41am Report to Moderator
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This script is poorly written.

Code

EXT. MAN�S HOUSE - DAY

HARRY, 25, bloodshot eyes and drenched in sweat carries a 
large duffel bag slung over his shoulder.




I have no idea what this guy looks like. He could be rich, poor, something in between. This is a visual medium, why is the visual in my mind lacking this information?

Code

He takes out his keys and heads for the front door.



Where do these keys come from?

Code

Beside him and taking out her own keys is AVA, 26, carrying
several shopping bags she heads to her own front door next to
Harry�s. They�re neighbors.



Where do Ava's keys come from? She's carrying lots of bags... there's an opportunity to show the viewer this visually.

Next door to Harry and overburdened with shopping bags,
Ava (26) struggles to remove a bunch of keys from her handbag.

Ava
Hi, Harry.

Ava slides a key into the lock.



Code

INT. HARRY�S HOUSE - FRONT ROOM - DAY

Harry collapses down onto his sofa, exhausted. 



You have a 'down' problem.

Exhausted, Harry collapses onto a well-worn sofa.

Code

He drops the bag down in between his feet and unzips it.
Inside it�s filled with money.



Wouldn't he drop the bag before sitting? Also, you've used 'down' unnecessarily again.

Code

He smiles to himself.



Who else is there?

Code

He smiles to himself.

HARRY
A quarter of a million. What the
hell am I supposed to do with all
of that?



If he is only smiling, then this would be better suited within parenthesis. Also, never have a character talking to themselves to relay information to the viewer. It's really, really poor. Why would a character say something like this out loud to themselves? It might work as a V.O. but then you'd have to match that tone throughout the story.

Code

Suddenly there�s a knock on the front door.



Avoid 'suddenly' as it goes without saying. Try to show us how sudden it is.

Code

Harry stands up, now nervous.



Not only do you have a down problem, you now have an 'up' one.

Nervous, Harry stands.

Code

He calls out.



You're telling us this? Why can't he just do it?

Code

Harry opens the door, AARON, 50, then bursts inside... 



This is not only structured poorly but there is no need for 'then'.

Code

... jabbing a gun of his own into Harry�s face.



Of course it's 'of his own'.


Those are the issues I found on page 1.
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Pleb
Posted: May 8th, 2019, 8:56pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Simon,

Pretty decent go of it here. The writing isn't too bad and for the most part is fairly concise, but like Dustin pointed out things like "stands up" can easily be shortened to "stands" as it still means the same thing in. I know it looks like a little thing, but tight is right when it comes to text.

For me the dialogue between Harry and Aaron felt repetitive as well as a bit on the nose, so it might be worth having a play with that.

Another issue for me was believability. I just didn't buy the sudden change of heart. Sure, there could be mutual attraction between them, but even so, it's still a stretch to think he'd one, suddenly open up so fast, two, she'd be willing to incriminate herself as he has, and three, Harry going along with what she suggested.

Good luck with it,

Max


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