I did notice when I went back to the beginning that the first slugline should read INT. TOWN FAIR because they are inside the fair.
Okay, so this is my run down of the story....
Emma goes to a fair with her friends, they get on a ride while she waits. Straight away she gets harrassed by a drunk guy. Matt comes along and saves her from him. She runs off to get space from the beating while her friends are on the ride. She ends up sitting at a table outside a caravan, which is the work place of Madame Dora. An appreciative customer leaves the caravan in a very good mood. Showing us that Madame Dora is good at what she does. She asks emma if she wants a reading.
Emma sees the bloodied drunk guy coming towards her with two other guys holding onto him, she decides to go into the caravan to hide from them.
Madame Dora, reads Emma's palms, emma is reluctant but does it anyway. MD tells emma there is a man in the picture, but seems saddened by how things turn out. She uses Emma's name and tries to downplay her negative reaction. Showing us that she is a legit psychic... A good set up...
Emma leaves and as she does she bangs into Matt.
Years have gone by and Emma and Matt drive to the fair once again. They discuss their situation, their daughter is very sick and Emma know from events coming true that Madame Dora might be the only one to help save their daughter. Matt comes across as very moody and annoyed at Emma.
Emma believes MD is able to do magic and can change things, like curing Emma. MD says she can't help, but does ask if there is something or someone emma would be prepared to loose to save her child. MD decides this is not a good thing and instead she does do something weird with Emma's tea leaves in the finished cup of tea emma drinks.
Emma and Matt leave, Matt suggests he moves in with his new 'friend' while emma is in a shitty with him and the situation. Emma ends up grabbing the steering wheel and cause an accident where she lives and Matt dies.
So Matt has become the sacrifice.
It's a few years later. We then learn that Emma has lived and is a healthy 10 year old who believes her father did something magical for her to save her. But he had to die. It's Ellie's 10th birthday and a clown comes to her birthday party. it gets her to make a wish, she wishes her dad was there, then suddenly we are back to the car crash scene. Where Emma is dead instead of Matt. And Ellie gets her wish.
Let me know if I got this wrong... anywhere
So here are some areas in the story I felt needed working on.
Matt saying they need space when he tells her he wants to move out doesn't fit the narrative, for me. Their relationship is over and he is already seeing someone else, so saying they need space doesn't make sense. It seems very obvious from their negative conversation in the car that they already have lots of space in their now defunct relationship. It comes across as if they are closer than they should be at this point.
The scene where Emma grabs the steering wheel might come off better if you show Emma acting weird beforehand i.e trance like... so we get for sure in that moment she's not in control, that it was madame dora's doing. As it is, it reads that she's doing the silent treatment and has just decided to do it herself. Or maybe this is her? Is it?
And lastly the clown scene and flashback seem to come out of nowhere. I like it but it is totally disconnected from the story. I was thinking aye? So the magic isn't over she makes a wish and now Emma dies? It would work better if there was a big hint from MD that if Emma were to go ahead with the killing off of someone the spell or whatever it is would continue on..... something like that.
Okay so even though I picked this apart (mostly formatting and some logic bumps) I really love your writing. I loved the opening scene where Emma is with her friends aghast at the huge ride... I loved the description of the fair and it was very easy to visualize. I love your visuals, like Matt sliding off the car, Emma taking MDs hand off her then leaves. You have a way of adding good action visuals to fatten up the story. Matt could have just been standing there by the car. Or MD could have taken her own hand away. The way you write adds an extra layer.
They drive past all the colorful trucks and trailors.... another good visual. They could have just been driving down the road and pulling into the fair. Your Mallory Good script struck me so well I didn't notice any errors. So there is something about your writing that I LOVE...
Anyways, I am still learning myself, so take what you want from this. If I have confused you let me know and in terms of formatting issues, it's always good to google things just to clarify...
Now I'm off to read your other script....