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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Horror Scripts  ›  A Shot To The Gut Moderators: bert
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  Author    A Shot To The Gut  (currently 504 views)
Don
Posted: May 9th, 2019, 5:30pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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A Shot To The Gut by Eric C Dickson - Horror - While traveling home on Route 66, a man has visions of a mechanic who was shot, carjacked and left to die on this same stretch of road.   121 pages  - pdf format

Based on the OWC Short Gut Shot.

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (3 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  May 13th, 2019, 12:29pm
revised draft
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Dreamscale
Posted: May 9th, 2019, 5:41pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Yes, that is my real hair...

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Eric, did you just wrote this whole thing, based off your OWC short?

If so, that's pretty amazingly FAST!


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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ericdickson
Posted: May 9th, 2019, 5:56pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Dreamscale
Eric, did you just wrote this whole thing, based off your OWC short?

If so, that's pretty amazingly FAST!


Yes, sir.  I binge wrote for over a week.  After work, the weekend, etc.  

I'm still afraid the first ten or twelve pages may still boggle some folks but it's in feature form now.  I'll be interested in seeing how the pieces come together for the reader.  

This just didn't work in short form.  Too many loose ends.  Per many suggestions, I took out the licensed eighties songs that seemed to be a source of irritation.  Also, I added the phone call between Stephen and Tanya to make the break-up more clear.   Hence, why he's packing his shit and headed across the desert.  

I see the flashback stuff and cutting back and forth between time thing can STILL be rewritten some.  Even if I have to spell it out.  

...As Stephen sits up, he notices he's back in present time, back at the Racetrack...

Or something to that effect.  
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ericdickson
Posted: May 9th, 2019, 5:59pm Report to Moderator
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...And I just noticed the wrong draft was uploaded

  

Damnit, man!  

Jeff, don't read this version    

I've since taken the bold slugs out, tightened up and streamlined the descriptions.  Poor Don.  I've submitted three versions already.  
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Dreamscale
Posted: May 9th, 2019, 6:00pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Yes, that is my real hair...

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Quoted from ericdickson


Yes, sir.  I binge wrote for over a week.  After work, the weekend, etc.  

I'm still afraid the first ten or twelve pages may still boggle some folks but it's in feature form now.  I'll be interested in seeing how the pieces come together for the reader.  

This just didn't work in short form.  Too many loose ends.  Per many suggestions, I took out the licensed eighties songs that seemed to be a source of irritation.  Also, I added the phone call between Stephen and Tanya to make the break-up more clear.   Hence, why he's packing his shit and headed across the desert.  

I see the flashback stuff and cutting back and forth between time thing can STILL be rewritten some.  Even if I have to spell it out.  

...As Stephen sits up, he notices he's back in present time, back at the Racetrack...

Or something to that effect.  


Very impressive, brother!  I'll see if I can give it a read, but no promises.



To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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ericdickson
Posted: May 9th, 2019, 6:13pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Dreamscale


Very impressive, brother!  I'll see if I can give it a read, but no promises.



I was afraid the wrong draft would get uploaded.  I've saved so many different versions, I uploaded the first draft and not the third.  

Basically, no more bolds.  I also found LOTS of instances of character dialogue following the same exact character who just spoke.  This happens when you go back and tweak the script and the software thinks your character is on two separate pages.  More Writer Duet bugs.  

I'm sure the correct draft should be uploaded in the next day or so.  No rush!    
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LC
Posted: May 9th, 2019, 8:37pm Report to Moderator
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Do you like to eat pie after a good movie?

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Eric, seems your breakup was a blessing in disguise.

I note you said the current draft is not up yet but was giving it a quick scan. I'm posting this teaser cause it jumps off the page:

He checks over his shoulder...
The Black Nova long gone.


EXT. ROUTE 66 - NIGHT
The Corvette back on the road. All alone. And the long
stretch at its darkest.

INT. CORVETTE - NIGHT
Stephen dips in and out. His eyes heavy and bloodshot.

STEPHEN
It's okay. No one's coming after
you. No one wants you dead. It's
just all in your head. You're just
going crazy, Stephen. That's all.
You see? You're even talking to
yourself. When did that start?

Paranoia taking him over, Stephen checks his rearview mirror:

No sign of the Black Nova.

And out of nowhere...

ZOOOOMMMM!

The BLACK NOVA passes him doing well over a hundred.

STEPHEN
Holy shit!

And the Black Nova is gone. As if it entered some sort of
worm hole or reached the speed of light.

And OUT OF NOWHERE...
It's parked dead center of the highway. No tail lights. No
nothing. About to get slammed into.

STEPHEN
FUCK!

Stephen CUTS A HARD LEFT --
-- barely missing it.

Great stuff!

A distinct Stephen King vibe to the character's inner monologue, and the pace of this action sequence is terrific and very well written.
.
Talk about page-turners. Inspiring.

Well done, you.  




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ericdickson
Posted: May 9th, 2019, 8:45pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from LC
Eric, seems your breakup was a blessing in disguise.

I note you said the current draft is not up yet but was giving it a quick scan. I'm posting this teaser cause it jumps off the page:

He checks over his shoulder...
The Black Nova long gone.


EXT. ROUTE 66 - NIGHT
The Corvette back on the road. All alone. And the long
stretch at its darkest.

INT. CORVETTE - NIGHT
Stephen dips in and out. His eyes heavy and bloodshot.

STEPHEN
It's okay. No one's coming after
you. No one wants you dead. It's
just all in your head. You're just
going crazy, Stephen. That's all.
You see? You're even talking to
yourself. When did that start?

Paranoia taking him over, Stephen checks his rearview mirror:

No sign of the Black Nova.

And out of nowhere...

ZOOOOMMMM!

The BLACK NOVA passes him doing well over a hundred.

STEPHEN
Holy shit!

And the Black Nova is gone. As if it entered some sort of
worm hole or reached the speed of light.

And OUT OF NOWHERE...
It's parked dead center of the highway. No tail lights. No
nothing. About to get slammed into.

STEPHEN
FUCK!

Stephen CUTS A HARD LEFT --
-- barely missing it.

Great stuff!

A distinct Stephen King vibe to the character's inner monologue, and the pace of this action sequence is terrific and very well written.
.
Talk about page-turners. Inspiring.

Well done, you.  




Bless you!  

I tend to obsess over the look of the software.  First, I wrote this in Trelby.  And then Writer Duet.  And then boldfaced all the slugs.  And then decided that looks like crap.  Finally, I went back and did another draft.  

I'm very happy that this is working to an extent.  
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eldave1
Posted: May 14th, 2019, 7:18pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from ericdickson
I already got an email from an Indian director wanting to option this.  Here were my options.  He takes the script, rewrites it and I have the option to not be paid.

Needless to say, I passed.    



lol - people are funny


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Colkurtz8
Posted: May 27th, 2019, 8:18am Report to Moderator
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Eric

I started reading this on a whim before boarding a flight. I hadnít read the OWC short itís based on but I was intrigued by how fast you turned it into a feature. That is a pretty amazing achievement by itself.

I didnít take notes as I read so these are just some quick thoughts on it.

Youíve crafted a very well told story here, whether it was written fast or not. You clearly have well honed storytelling chops.

Now, while I didnít go in for the ghostly stuff, the self driving car and random visions. which I know is integral to the story, I was really engaged in everything else going on around it; the location, the pacing, the rapport between Stephen and Kat, (even if Kat is playing the ditzy chick a little too much) the twists and turns of the plot. A particularly strong element was the Pepita character and how she was woven into events, very well executed and something I didnít see coming. The Chiefís involvement was an sly, unanticipated reveal too which further complicates things and makes it all that bit more personal and impactful. I wasnít too convinced about the convenience of Stephen remembering his birthday date and its significance right at that moment but Iíll let it slide.

So while the narrative on the whole worked for me and kept things bouncing along, kept things moving, kept me reading...I had a hard time buying that Dobber and Winchell were these serial criminals, living like outlaws, for over 30 years, in late 20th century/early 21st century America, in their own town! How the hell were they still roaming the streets at the time of the bank job? Why would they rob a bank in their own backyard? It makes no sense. Especially since Tolerance is depicted as small one horse town, at least that was the impression I got. I know one character addresses it and perhaps the suggestion is the Chief, a former buddy and accomplice, has protected them from time to time but still, that doesnít explain their lack of incarceration or, more importantly, their utter stupidity for shitting on their own doorstep i.e. committing armed robbery on a local bank.

Plausibility aside, I did love that abrupt shift to them doing the bank job half way through the script without any set up or lead in. We're just in it. Bam! For a moment I thought you had spliced in another script by mistake haha. It worked well to shake things up anyway and added an unexpected dramatic detour.

I wish I had more to say but I read this a few days ago. Iím only getting a chance to throw down some ramblings now.

Decent work.

Col.


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ericdickson
Posted: May 28th, 2019, 6:46pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Colkurtz8
Eric

I started reading this on a whim before boarding a flight. I hadnít read the OWC short itís based on but I was intrigued by how fast you turned it into a feature. That is a pretty amazing achievement by itself.

I didnít take notes as I read so these are just some quick thoughts on it.

Youíve crafted a very well told story here, whether it was written fast or not. You clearly have well honed storytelling chops.

Now, while I didnít go in for the ghostly stuff, the self driving car and random visions. which I know is integral to the story, I was really engaged in everything else going on around it; the location, the pacing, the rapport between Stephen and Kat, (even if Kat is playing the ditzy chick a little too much) the twists and turns of the plot. A particularly strong element was the Pepita character and how she was woven into events, very well executed and something I didnít see coming. The Chiefís involvement was an sly, unanticipated reveal too which further complicates things and makes it all that bit more personal and impactful. I wasnít too convinced about the convenience of Stephen remembering his birthday date and its significance right at that moment but Iíll let it slide.

So while the narrative on the whole worked for me and kept things bouncing along, kept things moving, kept me reading...I had a hard time buying that Dobber and Winchell were these serial criminals, living like outlaws, for over 30 years, in late 20th century/early 21st century America, in their own town! How the hell were they still roaming the streets at the time of the bank job? Why would they rob a bank in their own backyard? It makes no sense. Especially since Tolerance is depicted as small one horse town, at least that was the impression I got. I know one character addresses it and perhaps the suggestion is the Chief, a former buddy and accomplice, has protected them from time to time but still, that doesnít explain their lack of incarceration or, more importantly, their utter stupidity for shitting on their own doorstep i.e. committing armed robbery on a local bank.

Plausibility aside, I did love that abrupt shift to them doing the bank job half way through the script without any set up or lead in. We're just in it. Bam! For a moment I thought you had spliced in another script by mistake haha. It worked well to shake things up anyway and added an unexpected dramatic detour.

I wish I had more to say but I read this a few days ago. Iím only getting a chance to throw down some ramblings now.

Decent work.

Col.


Thank you for giving this one a read.  I'm glad the feature version seems to be working and making a bit more sense.  Yes, the Dobber and Winchell angle is a bit much to swallow.  I'm gonna sit on this one a bit before I start the next rewrite.  I'm definitely burnt out on the story and the OWC as a whole.  
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