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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    The 2019 Writers' Tournament  ›  Head Space - WT Moderators: Mr. Blonde
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  Author    Head Space - WT  (currently 1204 views)
Don
Posted: June 3rd, 2019, 11:08pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Head Space by Someone - It's amazing what you can buy from Amazon... 5 pages - Short, Horror, Comedy


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

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Warren
Posted: June 3rd, 2019, 11:51pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


A man who has taught his mind to misbehave

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Hi writer,

Not a bad script. You have the two genres, the place, and the object, although the comedy didn't quite land for me. I can see the attempts though.

The writing is great, one of SS's better writers I'd say. The dialogue is quite natural as well.

Story wise, it was okay.

I remember this in the last Writer's tournament, people stopped using FADE IN and FADE OUT to fit more story in. I don't necessarily think there is anything wrong with it, I personally like them, but I will be interested to see if it's a common occurrence again and if it's your usual writing style.

All the best.


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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: June 4th, 2019, 2:12am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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A decent attempt.

Will be one of the better ones.
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DustinBowcot
Posted: June 4th, 2019, 3:08am Report to Moderator
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A couple of things made me chuckle... can't remember what they were now, but that's probably my fault as I'm back on the joints today. Pink skins! This all went south at the end - forgive the pun. In a horror comedy, you're meant to mash the genres together seamlessly, not have one stuck on the end of the other. Doesn't work for me. The comedy worked. The horror worked. But the twain together, do not.

It is my opinion, that horror in a comedy should still be funny. That's why this didn't work for me.
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Hank
Posted: June 4th, 2019, 7:32am Report to Moderator
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pg. 1 - description of office, Benjamin, and Melanie are excellent. Except instead of ‘gesticulates’, which made me scratch my head for a few seconds, I would simply put ‘gestures’.
pg. 1 - “Cling-film answer” this also confused me at first. I think “Shrink-wrap answer”, would be easily understandable by all and make this joke funnier.
pg. 3 - ‘Benjamin shakes the doll’s body… Nothing’, this didn’t make sense to me because normally when you shake a bobblehead’s body the head shakes also.
pg. 4 - “Genuinely, stop.” this sounds awkward to me. Instead maybe try something like: “Stop. I’m serious.”
pg. 5 - The ending was my favourite part. Very cool, violent moment in the script. I would not include the continuous head-bashing, that may look a little too silly. Instead I would end it on a scarier note with maybe a creepy line of dialogue from Melanie after the doctor is first struck and while he is screaming.

I enjoyed this, it was definitely a horror/comedy, though much of the humour I thought felt flat. I thought some lines of dialogue could be improved, and more could be added to make this funnier.
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khamanna
Posted: June 4th, 2019, 7:52am Report to Moderator
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Wow if I wrote something like that it would fit in two pages.
Nice work, easy to read simple story that makes sense.
Its actually horrific and fun and the last bit is particularly funny to me for some reason.
Good work writer
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Zack
Posted: June 4th, 2019, 8:54am Report to Moderator
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First one I've read. Not bad. The writing is solid, easy to follow. The dialog isn't awful, but it's not particularly funny. And I didn't get any sort of horror vibe from this.

This seems like a 2 pager that's been stretched to 5 pages. There just isn't a lot of story here.

Good effort.

Revision History (1 edits)
Zack  -  June 4th, 2019, 7:54pm
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Philostrate
Posted: June 4th, 2019, 1:47pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Writer,


Quoted Text
No, Pediophobia is the fear of dolls.

Clever play on words.

Second script of the bunch, second script where the doll is a replica of one of the characters, wow, writers really think alike...


Quoted Text

They send the instructions, link to a
scanning app for your phone... whole
kit and caboodle.


The name of character and cont'd are missing, this suggest me that you wrote this on a hurry, if so, good job, not bad if you were in a rush.

The story is okay - very talking heads, but the dialogue is good, which compensates.

Not bad, but not great.

You met the criteria - the location, the object and the two genres - so that's a plus.

Good job,
David


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stevie
Posted: June 4th, 2019, 7:51pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



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Is the doll meant to be Mel B from the Spice Girls?

Yeah written pretty good but the old horror jammed into the comedy doesn't mix as Dustin pointed out

Remember - Shaun of the Dead and Scream are just spoofs of horror movies with the gore thrown in to make it more over the top



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LC
Posted: June 5th, 2019, 1:34am Report to Moderator
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I love the premise of the 3D printer replica Bobblehead doll.

Some flow problems with the dialogue imh.
Really though, stop.
Genuinely, stop.

The ensuing story didn't quite grab me. A bit repetitive with her recounting her plight and getting nowhere with the doc, and the horror just seemed tacked onto the end. A promising idea that you should redraft without time constraints.

P.S. Crows-nest hair?
Do you mean beehive hairdo or even just big hair?


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Matthew Taylor
Posted: June 5th, 2019, 3:43am Report to Moderator
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Hello writer

"This is Mel B" - Ha! that made me laugh

This therapist seems very antagonistic towards his patient - constantly calling it a doll when she has told him not to - Maybe it's part of the therapy, I don't know I haven't had therapy - it just seems like he is purposely trying to wind her up.

Expertly written, easy to read and follow.

But for me, a bit too slow to get to where it was going - the build up to the horror/danger didn't quite work for me as it got a bit repetative without heightening - the "she doesn't like it" kept coming up but didn't move up to the next level - if that makes sense - then, the jump between that and killing the doc felt too great a leap.

More of a transition of genre than a fusion - as in, the comedy in the begining, horror at the end (I'm not going to mark you down for it, i'm just saying)

Anyway, the comedy worked for me - the horror also worked for me (creepy as hell), but I think the build up to the horror could have got me there better

Top work, will get some of the highest marks I think.

P.S writer, I have your number.... again  



Feature

42.2

Two steps to writing a good screenplay:
1) Write a bad one
2) Fix it
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PrussianMosby
Posted: June 5th, 2019, 5:31am Report to Moderator
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Head Space

p 2/3 wrong page break

Okay, brutal ending here that checked the box…

I wasn't a big fan of the whole but it certainly felt you actually fought to get it done and make it as good as it could be.

It seems you just didn't find a more captivating scenario in this short timeframe we had. However a very cool ending has given some spice to it. The dialogue felt a little monotonous. A solid work. Keep going.



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PKCardinal
Posted: June 5th, 2019, 12:45pm Report to Moderator
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Well written for sure.

This is a silly thing... but, I'd rather you cut some of the repetition in the middle and give a FADE OUT. Yes, it's a personal thing... but, I feel... incomplete. Like... where's my FADE OUT? Or, is there a page missing?

Anyway, it's a bit straight line. Two people talking. Is there a way to tell this same story more actively? Because, the idea of her cutting herself and accidentally printing a 3D doll (sorry) that comes to life is a pretty good one.

All in all, a strong effort by a good writer.


PaulKWrites.com

60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature
The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature
Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature

Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror
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jayrex
Posted: June 5th, 2019, 12:56pm Report to Moderator
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Cut to three weeks earlier

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For me this was light on comedy.  The horror I suppose was horrific.  It's strange how the story goes from Mel not liking the bobblehead's head flicked to her doing it herself to herself.  If anything she should have had an orgasm when he flicked her head.  Wasn't consistent for me.

I'm not sure that I like the explanation of Chucky to explain away this story in the making.  It's like saying copycat but I'm different.

The ending was good though.


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Gary in Houston
Posted: June 5th, 2019, 1:32pm Report to Moderator
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I felt like I was missing the ending on this one. So The ending is Mel crushing Benjamin’s head in by flicking Mel B’s head?  Just because he disagrees with her that Mel B is a doll?  

My thought on that is you’ve made Mel an unsympathetic character and we’re essentially forced to root for the doctor. I don’t think that was your intention, so I would go for a different ending, like he turns to flick the dolls head, but now the doll is on his shoulder and banging him int the head - but not because Mel is doing anything.

Agree with some others, need to cut this some and get the fat taken out of it. The writing isn’t bad, just too much of it. Also need to ratchet up the humor here. Not so much of that on display as it currently stands.

Best of luck,
Gary


Some of my scripts:

Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly
I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner
The Gambler (short) - OWC winner
Skip (short) - filmed
Country Road 12 (short) - filmed
The Family Man (short) - filmed
The Journeyers (feature) - optioned

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