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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    The 2019 Writers' Tournament  ›  Melt - WT Moderators: Mr. Blonde
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  Author    Melt - WT  (currently 1781 views)
Don
Posted: June 3rd, 2019, 11:09pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Melt by FCP - It's easy for a Psychiatrist to spot delusions, as Monsters don't really exist, do they? 5 pages - Short, Horror, Sci Fi


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Warren
Posted: June 4th, 2019, 1:12am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


A man who has taught his mind to misbehave

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Hi writer,

Good writing in display, excellent character descriptions.

The action is dense, way too dense and I think you'd know that, page 3 in particular was a slog. I imagine it was an attempt to fit the whole story into the page count, that kind of feels like your pushing the rules a bit, so you either lose points by breaking the page count or lose points by blowing out your action. Funny thing is you still had a bit of space to work with.

Props for going horror sci-fi as opposed to horror comedy. The story wasn't anything groundbreaking. The only thing that really sets it apart is the bobblehead and that's there because of the challenge.

This is definitely a competent writer, the story just left me wanting. Will score high for craftsmanship.

All the best.



Revision History (1 edits)
Warren  -  June 4th, 2019, 7:32pm
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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: June 4th, 2019, 1:13am Report to Moderator
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This is the first fully formed story I've read. The elements are all linked together and all play out to a complete whole.

It's clear that it's a bigger story than the 5 pages allowed, and the writer has used every cm of the page to squeeze it in. That makes for a slower than usual read for a five pager. Outside of the contest it could use a little more breathing space.

I think the over the top monster could just as easily be replaced by a more low key "replica" who just murders as a human would. That would lower the budget and also, perhaps, be creepier.

The introduction of the Technicians and the Engineers was lazy.

Other than that, it was very good. The bobble-headed doll was used inventively and played a major role in the story. The genre fusion was spot on.

I particularly liked how the monster was also a victim in its own way and that in a story featuring a psychiatrists office, there was such a strong psychological bent to the action.

I'd like to see the ending remain ambiguous, personally...but get why you went for the stinger at the end. I think it should just fade out with the Professor, and the audience, wondering if it's the same doll.

About as good as a five page horror/sci fi that has to use a Psychiatrist's Office and a Bobble-Headed doll is going to get.
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DustinBowcot
Posted: June 4th, 2019, 1:41am Report to Moderator
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Bobblehead doll MUST play a major part in the story is what lets this down for me so far. The writing in this is great... but that effing bobblehead doll. Jesus.

Code

Francis backs away towards the exit. The scientists try to
flee, but THE NODDER with its bulbous, bobbing head is upon
them, its limbs extending to prodigious lengths...



And that sees me out.

I can see that some of these stories are going to be reaching... for the effing stars.
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DustinBowcot
Posted: June 4th, 2019, 2:36am Report to Moderator
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It was all a dream... but it wasn't really... or was it?

The story is well crafted... however, the bobblehead doll still lets this down for me. It's just too delusional and out of nowhere. The whole laboratory thing. Fair enough, 48 hours... but still. The premise for this is good... isn't it always for stories like this? However, there is no rhyme nor reason for it. Fair enough, it's shown earlier that the patient has an irrational fear of inanimate objects... but this only extends to the bobblehead doll. Why? If it is only the doll that causes this, then why? I feel that needs to be answered for this to work.

Science over magic/witchcraft as a way to make us question whether the doll really is possessed by some of kind of shapeshifting ability. I get it... but it doesn't work as well as magic in this instance. I don't feel that that part of the story works.


For 48 hours though... maybe it's not so bad.
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leitskev
Posted: June 4th, 2019, 7:56am Report to Moderator
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Some good description, shows a writer with some talent. For example, sagging bookshelves.

Perhaps a little dense with description. Dialing it back would create a faster read.

Difficult to avoid comedy when the parameters included a bobble head. That was the main issue here. The story attempts serious sci fi horror...I think. Actually I'm really not sure what's going on. Are they trying to create a bobble head replica of Moorehead, one infused with his personality? That would be a very strange thing to want to do, and it would beg that this fusion genre also include comedy. But that would be three genres. I think it  might have made more sense to remove the horror elements and focus on sci fi comedy with this story.

The story also seems to scream comedy when the shrink tosses him the bobble-head with a comment about "exposure therapy". I think the writer actually really wants to make this comedy but is holding back because of the requirements. Freed to go where he/she wants, they could have some fun making living replica bobble heads!

What is an Alsatian bobble head? Is this bobble head in the shape of a dog? That kept confusing me.

writing note: the MC is called Prof Francis, Prof Moorehead, Francis. When I saw "professor Francis" I had to double back to make sure there weren't two professors.

My notes sound harsh, but we only had 3 days and parameters that were a real challenge. This story really didn't come together, but I suspect none of them will.
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Hank
Posted: June 4th, 2019, 8:31am Report to Moderator
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pg. 1 - ‘Next to it a name: PROFESSOR FRANCIS MOORHEAD’ I think the name on a file like this wouldn’t state the patient’s profession.
pg. 1 - ‘We catch’ you added too many spaces between these words.
pg. 2 - missing spaces in your first scene-heading.
pg. 3 - Very cool monster design, and very graphic violence.
pg. 4 - Considering how crazily the engineers and technicians were killed, I think the police wouldn’t rule out some kind of monster as the culprit.

This is my favourite tourney script I’ve read so far. Very cool sci-fi elements being introduced, and loved the carnage of the monster.

Also, I like your title and title page, they're cool. I feel all screenplay titles should use unique fonts that will reflect their concept, and help set expectations. Really hope this becomes an industry standard.

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Zack
Posted: June 4th, 2019, 10:11am Report to Moderator
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Really interesting concept. Very imaginative.

Some chunky writing that could easily be tightened up with a rewrite. Lot's of run-on sentence. Both Francis and the Nodder should be capped when they are first introduced.

I have no idea what the scientist's were trying to do with their experiment. Enjoyed the gory massacre, though.

Also liked the image of the bobblehead melting at the end.

Not bad at all.

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Zack  -  June 5th, 2019, 9:42am
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Pete B. Lane
Posted: June 4th, 2019, 4:43pm Report to Moderator
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This won me over. It suffers a bit from overwriting and "unfilmables" but the concept and execution work well - on paper. I can imagine this looking very silly on screen if not executed quite right.

Well done. I'll remember this one.
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Matthew Taylor
Posted: June 5th, 2019, 7:11am Report to Moderator
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Hello writer

I enjoyed this - a clever story which I enjoyed.

Action and descriptions are quite dense, my read wasn't as laboured as I thought it would be though, so it is well written - I get the impression that some of those blocks of text have been combined to reduce page count.

Criteria has been hit for me, this is an accomplished writer.

Well done


Feature

42.2

Two steps to writing a good screenplay:
1) Write a bad one
2) Fix it
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leitskev
Posted: June 5th, 2019, 8:28am Report to Moderator
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I feel like I'm sometimes a poor reader and miss things, and seeing people digging this, decided to go back and give this a third read.

I guess I'm still missing the picture. As far as I can tell, a scientist is trying to
a) create a molecular replica of a dog bobblehead, and
b) transfer his own personality into it

I am completely baffled by that goal. Would it be so they could sell animated dog bobbleheads? And that is "going to change everything"?

Already a plot like that demands comedy. Why choose a bobblehead? Why choose a DOG bobblehead?

Then the bobblehead, mad with the various psychological impulses of the creator, morphs into a dog/man(I guess that's why a dog bobblehead was used, to allow for the morphing into a monster), destroys the lab and everyone in it.

The scientist escapes. The last we see of it in this scene,  the monster, frustrated that it can't escape, decides to shrink itself back to a dog bobblehead. Weird, but convenient for what is to come.

So our scientist is presumably committed for the murders. Apparently police reconstructing the murder scene could not determine that these murders , victims with smashed heads and stuff, could not have been done by the doctor.

Or maybe he's not in for murder. Maybe the cops just never determined what happened? The shrink does tell him they should be able to let him go soon. The shrink treats it all very casually, which is probablly due to the page limitation. Nonetheless, this guy, in his eyes, either is a murderer or has witnessed brutal killings, so it's very strange that he treats it so casually.

And though the evidence would have all been boxed up, someone sold the dog bobblehead on Ebay...where the shrink bought it, and casually tossed it to the patient to take to his room with him.

I'm not picking on the writer. Once bobbleheads and fusion became the requirement it was likely every story was going to be absurd to a degree. What's shocking to me is that no one else seems to be seeing all this absurdity here. When that happens, and knowing how talented many of the reviewers are, I tend to wonder if I've going a little crazy in the head myself.
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SAC
Posted: June 5th, 2019, 8:39am Report to Moderator
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… but some dreams do

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Pretty good for a five pager. More of a sci fi/horror blend here. Your descriptions and settings were well thought out vivid. However, a lot of reading here and unnecessarily so. IMO, is definitely tighten it up and lose so if the prose.

Steve


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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: June 5th, 2019, 9:31am Report to Moderator
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Kevin,

I read it again to see what you were on about : You're way off.

They've invented a substance that can replicate absolutely anything down to a quantum level. So one bucket of the stuff and you have absolutely anything you want. They also want to be able to control it, I think.. So it's like another version of you you can send out to do stuff. Or be a doctor, a soldier or whatever.

The first thing they do is copy a doll, the second a laptop. Then they see if they can control it by thought. It works, they create a man like replica, but unfortunately it also transfers the Professors repressed emotions.. Self hatred, guilt etc and it goes crazy.

It takes on the form of the dog because that was in its memory from the first test.

He's not committed for murder, but for being delusional. They don't believe there was a monster, plus he's understandably scared of objects, as he's invented a monster that hates him that can take on the disguise of anything.

The doll was not from Ebay. That was a lie the Doctor told him. We have to imagine the Doctor requested the doll from the Police for therapy purposes. We know the doctor is in contact with the Police as he has a Police Report.

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leitskev
Posted: June 5th, 2019, 10:07am Report to Moderator
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Thank you for the explanation, I was lost on some things.

Perhaps due to the page limitation, they do rush from doll to laptop to human.

Which is all still strange. Starting with a bobblehead would be odd. Then, rather than examine it(there is an instant scan), they move on to an electronic device, which they don't bother to open and see if it works. Everything is moving VERY quickly. Again, the page limit, but still.

Then they move on to a living thing. But instead of making their first living thing a mouse, or perhaps a real Alsatian, they go right to the scientist running the show. That screams Mystery Science Theater 2000.

When the attack is over and the creature can't escape he returns back to the doll. I don't think that being its first memory really explains that as much as the contrivance needed to set up the next act.

So the cops now consider this the scene of an industrial accident, and Moorehead is committed because of his delusional explanation. Kind of a reach. The scene was clearly one of violent murders. No indsutrial machines were present that the police could attribute it to.

And the part where the doctor just casually throws him the doll with the comment about "exposure therapy" really would be effective in comedy, but here it seems very out of the blue and odd. Again, contrived. With more space it could be perhaps worked to make more believable. But here the doctor literally just tosses it to him as he's being taken away for the night, as an afterthought kind of.

Again, I beg the writer's forgiveness. All of these stories are very flawed due to the weird parameters and the time and page limits. Nature of the beast. I enjoyed some of the description writing. The story itself seems to have a few more absurdities than expected, but this was a weird challenge.
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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: June 5th, 2019, 10:35am Report to Moderator
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Don't know, it seems like you're really reaching to find problems that aren't really there, to me.

I think we take it for granted they've done other experiments.

As for the murder thing, you're just writing that into the story on your own. The technicians were lifted high into the air and had their faces smashed in. Another split all the way in half. Clearly no human could have been capable...they'd just leave it as an open case.


Personally I don't eee it as a contrivance setting up the next act. He's scared of bobbleheaded dolls precisely because of what he saw. The Doctor is seeing whether he's fit for release by using the actual doll that caused the start of the 'delusions'. It's not contrivance, it's cause and effect.

Each to their own, though.
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