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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    The 2019 Writers' Tournament  ›  Bobble-ageddon - WT Moderators: Mr. Blonde
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  Author    Bobble-ageddon - WT  (currently 1307 views)
Don
Posted: June 3rd, 2019, 11:10pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Bobble-ageddon by A guy clutching at straws - A NASA pilot must overcome a peculiar fear if he is to save Earth from impending doom. 5 pages - Short, Comedy, Sci Fi


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Warren
Posted: June 4th, 2019, 1:55am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


A man who has taught his mind to misbehave

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Hi writer,

I like the title, and good job on not having horror as one of your genres.

Trying to force the comedy hard from the start with the title page and the BOBBLE IN. Lets hope the script holds up.


Quoted Text
HECTOR
Seriously, don't do it! Doc come
on! I'm trusting you--
DR. NUTT
Alright Hector


Doc, come

Alright, Hector

So I thought this was going to be amazing, it had a really strong first page in my opinion then it started to fizzle a bit.

Why was Hector afraid of Bobbleheads? And I get you had to set up for the joke about budget cuts but why on earth would they train Hector in the first place?

I think I get that this is meant to be absurd, but it's too over the top for me.

To me it would have made sense to BOBBLE OUT if that's what you were going for.

The writing is damn good, I'm pretty sure I know who this belongs to.

Comedy is subjective and all that, many may love this. Just too much for me.

High marks for craftsmanship and genre choice.

All the best.


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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: June 4th, 2019, 5:35am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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A massive budget, surrealist Armageddon.

Separated from any sense of reality it's hard to care about the stakes and there was nothing that made me laugh, so it all just passed me by.

At the risk of sounding like a broken record, comedy is near impossible, so I credit the attempt.

Revision History (1 edits)
Scar Tissue Films  -  June 5th, 2019, 2:05am
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khamanna
Posted: June 4th, 2019, 9:15am Report to Moderator
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Well, sorry to say but this one just escapes me.
I guess I'm not into this type of sci-fi. I'm not into Starwars and such.
Some of the lines were funny though. The genres are there.

One thing though - you've got only 5 pages. So the problem should be apparent early on to pull us in. I didn't see that happen here.
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Hank
Posted: June 4th, 2019, 9:22am Report to Moderator
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pg. 1 - ‘…We don’t know why.’ this made me lol
pg. 1 - I can picture the asteroid smashing into the planet happening so suddenly being funny, though I would add some alien dialogue before this, maybe something hopeful, or romantic?
pg. 2 - “The problem is his mind.” funny, over-the-top.
pg. 2 - I like the quickdraw of the bobblehead, funny stuff.
pg. 3 - I like the the non-professional relationship between Dr. Nutt and Hector, it is funny.
pg. 5 - I like the pilot's face turning goofy, could look funny, the twist ending is also very comical.

This was funny and I like the concept a lot. I feel there was room for more comedic lines between the doctor and pilot, especially during the administering of the prescription.
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Dreamscale
Posted: June 4th, 2019, 4:11pm Report to Moderator
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A comedy, huh?  And we start with a BOBBLE IN to show we're in comedy/pisser territory.  OK, I'm onboard, Captain!

Opening Slug is very poor.

"statues" - Statue's"

The SUPER is funny!

You need to learn how to use apostrophes!!!

All the SUPERS are very funny.  We are definitely in Pisserville!

The Flashback doesn't work.  There's some funny shit there, but it's unnecessary.

Slug-use is poor throughout, to the point of being very confusing.

And we fizzle to the end.

There's a story here...and absurd one, but a story.

Characters are absurd and funny.

Dialogue absurd and funny.

Prose not great, Slugs poor.

It's definitely comedy, and it's definitely Sci Fi, and there's definitely a bobblehead.  But for a pisser, it needs to be more redorkulous, IMO.
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PKCardinal
Posted: June 4th, 2019, 4:19pm Report to Moderator
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Bobble In: I laughed.

"We don't know why."   He He. This is fun already.

statues should be statue's

Okay, finished reading. Page one (first half) was hilarious. Unfortunately, for me, it didn't hold through the rest of the script...

The visuals are great. A giant bobblehead statue... awesome. Floating through space... just as awesome.

I would have liked to see you pull that same comedy through the other pages.

For example: a fighter-style space ship. Why? Why, in your world, is the craft so plain? I'm thinking... what would counter a bobblehead? One of those drinking bird toys -- you know, where you tap the bird and it swings down to drink? What kind of ship could be based on something like that? (Just spitballing.) Point is... I wish you would have pulled the visual insanity through the full script.

Still, it was a fun take. REALLY liked the use of the bobblehead. That'll be hard to top.


PaulKWrites.com

60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature
The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature
Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature

Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror
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Gary in Houston
Posted: June 4th, 2019, 4:43pm Report to Moderator
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This started off pretty well with some great opening lines, and then tried to maintain that through the rest of the script, but it was pretty hit and miss after that.

I actually liked this for what it was, a fun take on the Armageddon asteroid calamity type movie. And I thought the ending was actually quite a blast (more or less).

I could just see Randy Quaid speeding away to destroy the asteroid and blowing up the bobble head instead, which actually sounds like something Randy quaid would do.

Was the script 5 star worthy?  Maybe not, but it was a helluva fun ride in my opinion.

Best of luck,
Gary


Some of my scripts:

Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly
I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner
The Gambler (short) - OWC winner
Skip (short) - filmed
Country Road 12 (short) - filmed
The Family Man (short) - filmed
The Journeyers (feature) - optioned

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JEStaats
Posted: June 4th, 2019, 10:18pm Report to Moderator
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No sh*t, there I was....

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Through the first page, I thought "Yes! Someone wrote a decent fusion!" But then the dialog and characters derailed me. Definitely some funny moments and good banter but it went just ridiculous. The best character was 'Super' which is sadly not a character at all.

I think this might be one of SS long time writers that scrambled in the 72 hours. Good work, writer!
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LC
Posted: June 5th, 2019, 2:02am Report to Moderator
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Well, it made me smile. Some clever lines.
Not big on visual horror but I liked it all the same as it entertained and was witty and a fast read.


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Matthew Taylor
Posted: June 5th, 2019, 5:12am Report to Moderator
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Hello writer

I saw BOBBLE IN: then immediately searched the comments to see who crucified you for it... strangely no one. I'm not going to either, it set the tone immediately.

I am heavily biased towards Sci-Fi - So I enjoyed it, it was a fun read and a welcome relief from horror. Another entry where I think the writer probably had some fun writing it.

Also another entry with a strong start which wanes in the middle - a victim of the time restraint I would assume.

Sorry, I don't have anything useful to add - good job, criteria met.



Feature

42.2

Two steps to writing a good screenplay:
1) Write a bad one
2) Fix it
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PrussianMosby
Posted: June 5th, 2019, 5:25am Report to Moderator
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Bobble-ageddon

"a place of visible achievement"

holy cow give us some pathos: Rome is finally built - haha thumbs up, writer

irony galore follows

All right… if this isn't on par with space epics such as Interstellar then I have no clue…

It was funny, sure in parts very juvenile and some humor was very flat, quite repetitive flat, then as a whole, however, it didn't let off the attempt at humor for even one second, what I appreciate.

The presentation was also very clean.

Good job.



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leitskev
Posted: June 5th, 2019, 8:45am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Absolutely meets the criteria. I like the opening images. The giant, alien bobblehead being worshiped by the citizens is pretty funny and appropriate.

I like that the writer just let go and had fun writing this. The read is a breeze to get through.

Though the plot is meant to be over the top, a little hard to buy into the jet fighter destroying an asteroid, the single pilot Air Force stuff. And why is he terrified of the bobblhead?

I won't give it high scores, but so far I don't have high scores for any of them, so it won't hurt you. I'm looking for that one story that might stand out, and maybe there won't be one. 72 hours was tough.

But thanks for the light, breezy read!
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Philostrate
Posted: June 5th, 2019, 12:55pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Writer,


Quoted Text
BOBBLE IN:


This absolutely must be a first in the history of screenwriting...


Quoted Text
SUPER: Vicarnium - Home of the largest bobblehead statue in
the universe.
SUPER: ...We don't know why.


This made me chuckle.


Quoted Text
We glimpse a large asteroid following in the statues wake.


*statue's


Quoted Text
DR. NUTT
You don't do this, we all die! And
I will personally scour whatever
afterlife your fat ass goes to and
give you an eternity of
suppositories.


A little over the top, isn't it?

Okay, finished. I really enjoyed this one. Original take on the parameters, well written, most of the humor landed... The ending wasn't great but I liked the final punch.

Two thumbs up.

Well done, writer!


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stevie
Posted: June 5th, 2019, 4:34pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



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Hmm by rights I should love this, right? Comedy dude, absurd situation?

But for some reason - no slight on the writer, great concept - I didn’t laugh at all!  There were no zingers to make it snap. It was just pretty much reaction stuff by Hector. These type of comedies need to be zany crazy from the start- ok the first scene was pretty good. But it fizzled into a nothing sort of story    The ending is quite sad too lol

Anyway good effort but didn’t tickle my funny bone



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