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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    The 2019 Writers' Tournament  ›  I'm Being Watched - WT Moderators: Mr. Blonde
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  Author    I'm Being Watched - WT  (currently 1810 views)
Don
Posted: June 3rd, 2019, 11:11pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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I'm Being Watched by 48 Hrs. Writer - A man obsessed with conspiracy theories visits his psychiatrist to tell her that he's being watched by bobble-head dolls! 5 pages - Short, Comedy, Sci Fi


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jayrex
Posted: June 4th, 2019, 2:32am Report to Moderator
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Cut to three weeks earlier

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I like this one.  Certainly met the criteria for me.  I would give Barry a matching grin to go with the crazy eyes.

The only thing I'd change is the receptionist first like to "You may go in".

Suggestion, when Barry drops off the UFO tapes, perhaps the tapes are tested and somehow that's linked to your ending?


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Warren
Posted: June 4th, 2019, 3:09am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


A man who has taught his mind to misbehave

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Hi writer,

I really enjoyed this one, right until the page five reveal. I thought it was a fantastic setup, great writing, strong dialogue, but that ending really threw me and not in a good way. The comedy was nice and subtle, I thought, in the beginning, then page five just drives it too far.

One of the better ones so far. I'd personally like to see it reworked with a different ending.

All the best.


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Gary in Houston
Posted: June 4th, 2019, 10:14am Report to Moderator
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I thought this one was okay. It had a good set up and pretty much ticked all the boxes.

I have a couple of thought. First, ditch the receptionist scene and just start right in the doctor’s office. Saves you half a page.

Second, I agree with Warren - that scene with the aliens, although clever, detracts from the rest of the script. I’d rather see something like Barry leaving the office and the doll turns to the doctor and say something like “he’s on to us.”  Might have a better chance of getting this made as well without the alien scene.

First one to really merge two genres, so good job. Overall a good effort here.

Best of luck,
Gary


Some of my scripts:

Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly
I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner
The Gambler (short) - OWC winner
Skip (short) - filmed
Country Road 12 (short) - filmed
The Family Man (short) - filmed
The Journeyers (feature) - optioned

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khamanna
Posted: June 4th, 2019, 10:15am Report to Moderator
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Well, I was really enjoying it. Really really enjoying it until the last scene. What was it about? Aliens? No, the ending didn't work at all. Eh, why? Why??
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Dreamscale
Posted: June 4th, 2019, 2:45pm Report to Moderator
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Not thrilled with the title.

I'd much rather just read and comment afterwards, but I can't here.

Opening scene is a complete waste, but that's not the worst thing going on right out of the gate.

You name your first character, "YOUNG RECEPCIONIST" - with Receptionist spelled incorrectly - you do this 5 times in the first half page!  Using "young" in front is a total mistake, and it looks just redonkulous.

You write, "...types in a computer." - in a computer?  No.

Later, you write, "...in a couch" - the use of in is just plain old incorrect.

"His look fixed on a Doctor’s bobblehead doll resting on a nearby desk." - Awkward and confusing.

On Page 1 alone, you've talked about character's eyes 4 times and referenced looking or glancing several times.

This is not a montage - it's a Flashback...or several Flashbacks.

Story - There is a story here, much of it told through a Flashback, and then the "reveal" at the end.  The alien thing is pretty crazy, but not in a good way.  It's a mistake, IMO.

Characters - Well, although cliche, for the most part, not terrible by any means.  The aliens are funny, but again, their inclusion completely sinks this script.

Dialogue - Nothing memorable, other than those damned aliens.

Prose - Not great by any means, as pointed out above.  Many awkward phrasings, odd little things, typos, misspellings, etc.

Criteria - Although the use of bobbleheads is very random and strange, it's also prevalent.  Comedy is paper thin until the aliens pop up...as is the Sci Fi element.  So, it's tough to really judge and score.

For e, i'll say the criteria was met, based on the final page, but I'm being generous and your score will most likely come out higher than it should, as this is not a very good script, by any means.

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stevie
Posted: June 4th, 2019, 8:00pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



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Yeah bit of a mish mash this one. There is some vague comedy and there is a bit of sci fi tacked on at the end.

Good to see the writer tried something different. It kind of works so good job.



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JEStaats
Posted: June 4th, 2019, 10:01pm Report to Moderator
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No sh*t, there I was....

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This genre fusion seems to take a good script and make it meh. I liked up until the attempts at humor, which just seemed out of place. If it could've stayed with just Sci-Fi, it would be a great little story.

The dialog was a bit stale but it had to tell the story in such limited page count. The characters were fitting but didn't really stand out as being unique.

That said, it's one of the better that I've read so far but I got a long way to go.

Good job, writer.
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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: June 5th, 2019, 4:29am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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This was going great, then it just fell off the cliff.

The ending took it from good to downright terrible.
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PrussianMosby
Posted: June 5th, 2019, 5:23am Report to Moderator
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I'm Being Watched

It's not bad at all, but to me the script feels a little smooth and safe with its flashback montage that explains the plot as a whole. Well, the criteria are certainly hit and the ironic tone also felt consistent. Then somehow it went along and … possibly it's the characters – and that I didn't really connect with anybody. For a little amusement I need some more. However it was truly okay, just felt so safe.




Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
PrussianMosby  -  June 5th, 2019, 5:34am
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Matthew Taylor
Posted: June 5th, 2019, 7:22am Report to Moderator
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Hello writer

Last one for me - and it's a Sci-Fi comedy - please be good  

I was enjoying this, but it didn't end up going somewhere I wanted to go - it wasn't terrible, I guess I am just a little dissapointed.

There were chances for the comedy to be ramped up, some lost oppurtunities - I like the angle of spying aliens though - good use of the bobbleheads.

Ending felt a bit flat - sorry to say

Writing was solid enough

Good effort


Feature

42.2

Two steps to writing a good screenplay:
1) Write a bad one
2) Fix it
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LC
Posted: June 5th, 2019, 9:30am Report to Moderator
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Loved the setup.

Wish you'd stuck with the paranoia and it did in fact turn out to be a Big Brother scenario with a twist, or a tech company spying and he's the only one savvy enough to have cottoned on amidst all the sheep.

That Montage is not btw. Should be a flashback.
And a few odd phrasings e.g.
Assholes, I shouldn’t have betted
for them!
Should be: on them
And: show me the money (not in keeping with your Alien characters imh).

Enjoyable and entertaining setup nonetheless.


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leitskev
Posted: June 5th, 2019, 2:32pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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notes as I read:

Wouldn't a receptionist at a shrink's be used to weirdos? His behavior would not be that weird there.

End notes

The writing is very, very solid. Part of the concept is very good: the idea that these dolls are spying on him.

The humor doesn't really hit me. I won't substract anything on the criteria for that, the tone and effort were clearly humor.

The sci fi was there: aliens. So this passes criteria.

It will score well with me in every area except story. It didn't really hit me as funny. Even the whole idea of the betting aliens...surely they can find more entertaining things to bet on.

But solid scores for a capable writer, on to the next round!
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: June 5th, 2019, 5:56pm Report to Moderator
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I liked the idea and setup.

Not sure you need thereceptionist bit.

Barry is a well drawn character and I liked him.

I know it's a comedy but didn't think she'd take his file and bin it like that.

The ending felt a little left field and I wasn't convinced.

But decent effort.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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PKCardinal
Posted: June 6th, 2019, 1:05pm Report to Moderator
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I'm not as thrown by the aliens as everyone else is. But, I do agree that playing it just a bit more straight would probably be more interesting. For example, it really is the government spying... and, we discover that Barry is valuable for some reason that even he doesn't know.

The use of the bobbleheads was great. I really like the core idea. With more work, and maybe a few more pages focused on the core "conspiracy", this could be a fun short.

I think a good rewrite is in order. It's a short worth more effort to get right.


PaulKWrites.com

60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature
The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature
Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature

Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror
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