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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    The 2019 Writers' Tournament  ›  Bugs - WT Moderators: Mr. Blonde
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  Author    Bugs - WT  (currently 1835 views)
Don
Posted: June 3rd, 2019, 11:12pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Bugs by Creepy Binders - In a near future asylum, a young girl, convinced strange bugs are trying to get inside her, tries to save her voice-hearing roommate, who she believes the critters inhabit. 5 pages - Short, Horror, Sci Fi


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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: June 4th, 2019, 12:08am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Not bad.

There were moments of real horror and I enjoyed the creature design.

The characters were a little unbelievable at times. Dr Winters reinforced her delusion at one point, which felt very odd.

There's no sense of meaning or real irony. There's just these bugs, and that is all there is to it. There's no background to them, and not even a simple sense of justice coming from a situation where the patient's being  mistreated.

Some potential for the future, though.
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Warren
Posted: June 4th, 2019, 3:56am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


A man who has taught his mind to misbehave

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Hi writer,


Quoted Text
RETURN NORMAL POV:


BACK TO SCENE or something similar would be better. This is the first thing that took me out of the read. POV is generally from someones point of view. By saying return normal POV makes me think of a cameraman filming this. May just be a personal thing.

This is another script that I thought had a interesting and entertaining setup, but then stuff just happens and it ends. It probably needed a few more pages to give it some substance.

It's hard to get the sci-fi when we don't understand the mechanisms at play at all.

Enjoyable to a point.

All the best.


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DustinBowcot
Posted: June 4th, 2019, 10:28am Report to Moderator
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Same issue for me in that the sci-fi element is so weak as to be nonexistent. So this will likely score low in the challenge. However, as a story, it's pretty decent. It's written well.

An issue is the kids. A lot of short film makers don't like using them. There's the extra costs in having the parents around. You could just as easily replace the kids with adults though.
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leitskev
Posted: June 4th, 2019, 11:29am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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criteria: sci fi = check, horror = check
dialog - nothing stands out
characters - not memorable. Well, the main character speaking through her bobble head, and the image of her face taped up, that's memorable, but the dialog is so robotic it makes her not very memorable.
story - it is fully formed. The girl says she's going to save her roommate, and she does. So it's a complete story. If the main character was better developed it would work much better. So basically a completed story that meets the criteria but is otherwise forgettable. Standard OWC type stuff. Very hard to make a script stand out, and sometimes one rises up and manages to do it. But not this one.
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Matthew Taylor
Posted: June 4th, 2019, 11:36am Report to Moderator
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Hello writer

Hmm - I get the feeling that the first draft of this was quite long and extensively cut.
There are things mentioned that were not expanded on - such as the blackouts which left only Lamb and Regina visible, it even made the "windows" disappear (with the amazing views that weren't expanded on either) - made me think the place was some kind of hologram hospital.

The sci-fi is there, the bugs are mechanical and certainly sci-fi - It's subtle, but there.

Good premise, not quite sure what role Regina played in luring Lamb to their room at night - was in the bug in the paper? that bit didn't quite work for me. And there are so many of them, why do they only want 1 host?

Anyway, good effort, good writing



Feature

42.2

Two steps to writing a good screenplay:
1) Write a bad one
2) Fix it
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ReneC
Posted: June 4th, 2019, 1:37pm Report to Moderator
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The sci-fi element felt unnecessary in the story, just used to fulfill the criteria. But it does what it's supposed to do. It would have worked just as well in a normal hospital with real bugs.

The mechanical bugs actually raise an annoying question. Why? What purpose to they serve? Who built them? If they were real bugs, then it's just creepy and strange, but machines are human inventions, so it doesn't make much sense as written.

Also, anyone filled with that many bugs would be dead. Straight up dead. So what's exactly going on here? It seems like this is an illusion or simulation or something but other than the holo-spital (see what I did there?) there's nothing to suggest it isn't really happening.

Kids are tough to write. Alice speaks like an adult in a couple of places.

It's always better to let the character speak rather than have another character say what they said off camera. Nurse Doomed-for-being-nice telling the doctor what Alice said is far less effective than having Alice utter the creepy words herself, because you could have made it creepy.

Character-wise, there's little here. The most character came from the nurse, and maybe the orderly. The rest were pretty flat.

Interesting use of the bobblehead. And I do like the ending, I just wish it was set up better. The writing is pretty good and the dialogue works for the most part.


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Dreamscale
Posted: June 4th, 2019, 3:51pm Report to Moderator
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OK, so right out of the gate, we get this, "REGINA, 8, adorable, lies restrained in her bed. A surgicalmask sealed with duct tape covers her mouth and nose. More tape covers her ears and eyes. Bandages mark her limbs." - And, I just had to laugh out loud and still find it very odd - how can a girl be "adorable", when most of her face is covered with a mask and duct tape?  Does that make any sense at all?

This is another tough one to review, as it's written in a very serious tone and seems to want to be taken seriously, but I don't know how I can, as nothing makes much sense.

It almost feels like this was slashed down to 5 pages from a much longer script.  The Sci Fi element appears to be here, but doesn't make any sense.  The story is nonexistent, as is.  The mechanical bugs are horrific and Sci fi, but make no sense.  The Elvis bobblehead is here, but why?  The writing is OK, but again, feels like it's been cut and pasted from a longer work.

I'm not even sure it meets the genres parameter, as the Sci Fi element is so weak here.

Overall, it doesn't work for me at all...at 5 pages.
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stevie
Posted: June 4th, 2019, 8:14pm Report to Moderator
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Yeah had a good creepy vibe going. Again there's no reason for the mechanical bugs - reminded me of Crichton's book 'Prey"- so I'm guessing the writer jammed in the sci bit with the horror to get the fusion points? lol.

Capably written but prolly too much going on for 5 pages. Still enjoyed it



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Matthew Taylor
Posted: June 5th, 2019, 3:15am Report to Moderator
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Had to revisit this because I couldn't remember the bobblehead - After scanning through it doesn't affect the story at all - if it wasn't there it would not make a difference so I don't think the criteria has been met (happy for someone to prove me wrong though)



Feature

42.2

Two steps to writing a good screenplay:
1) Write a bad one
2) Fix it
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leitskev
Posted: June 5th, 2019, 7:51am Report to Moderator
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It seems to play a prominent role. The girl speaks through it, or thinks she does. She thinks she has to, I presume, because her mouth is taped, and her mouth is taped to keep the bugs out.

You could replace the bobble head with some other doll and it wouldn't change the story, but that's true of all the stories I've read.

An early question I had was how the girl knows that giving the nurse the captured bug will lead to her coming back at night. What if the nurse looked at it when she was handed it? What if she took it to superiors? I guess the answer is that the girl has some kind of visions of the future so she has seen what will happen.

But the bobble head seems about as prominent in the other stories.
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Matthew Taylor
Posted: June 5th, 2019, 7:58am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from leitskev
It seems to play a prominent role. The girl speaks through it, or thinks she does. She thinks she has to, I presume, because her mouth is taped, and her mouth is taped to keep the bugs out.

You could replace the bobble head with some other doll and it wouldn't change the story, but that's true of all the stories I've read.

An early question I had was how the girl knows that giving the nurse the captured bug will lead to her coming back at night. What if the nurse looked at it when she was handed it? What if she took it to superiors? I guess the answer is that the girl has some kind of visions of the future so she has seen what will happen.

But the bobble head seems about as prominent in the other stories.


Yes you are right - I forgot she spoke through it, I thought she was just holding it - thanks


Feature

42.2

Two steps to writing a good screenplay:
1) Write a bad one
2) Fix it
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jayrex
Posted: June 5th, 2019, 8:56am Report to Moderator
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Cut to three weeks earlier

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I don't feel the Sci-Fi element until the last moments.  It's mainly a horror.  Nonetheless, it was a good read.

See the concrete room.  If that's suppose to give the impression we're in another place, even for a moment.  I'd have a scene heading.


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Zack
Posted: June 5th, 2019, 9:59am Report to Moderator
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Hey writer,

You describe Regina as adorable, but then you say her features are hidden under a gas mask. How do we know she's adorable if we can't get a good look at her? A nit pick, I know.

I actually liked this one quite a bit. Bugs creep me out big time, so this definitely struck a cord with me.

Solid writing all around. No complaints on that front.

Definitely horror, though not much sci-fi. Still, good work here. I enjoyed it.

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Zack  -  July 4th, 2019, 8:48pm
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PKCardinal
Posted: June 5th, 2019, 1:48pm Report to Moderator
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Mixed feelings for me on this one.

The bugs/the girl/the roommate all very creepy.

But, this needs more pages to be all that it can be. So, maybe this was a poor choice for a 5 page challenge. Mechanical bugs just leave too much unexplained for the script to be satisfying. I'm all for a little mystery, but, this one is too open for my taste. Same for the on again/off again   hospital.

Whats here is very good, and interesting. I just need more -- and you didn't have the pages to give.


PaulKWrites.com

60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature
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Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror
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