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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    The 2019 Writers' Tournament  ›  Just Stop - WT Moderators: Mr. Blonde
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  Author    Just Stop - WT  (currently 1790 views)
Don
Posted: June 3rd, 2019, 11:13pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Just Stop by The Temp - A counseling session gets tense when a patient's husband agrees with everything she says. 5 pages - Short, Comedy, Horror, Action


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LC
Posted: June 4th, 2019, 1:50am Report to Moderator
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I think you're on to something here but there's a bit of a disconnect for me in that you made Dr Scott a bobblehead as well as Dwight. I think you should rethink that choice. Be interested what others think re that.

Btw: deep-seeded anger
Should be: deep-seated

Visually this'd be quite funny.  And, I like very much all the wooden / no personality/ caricature dialogue. It worked well.

I wasn't feeling the horror. Horror- lite, though I'm sure if I were Dwight it'd be horrific.

Your denouement results in a very different kind of Bobblehead - a Bobblehead Transformer, you might say.  

P.S. Perhaps you should call this 'Whittled' or 'Whittle Man.'


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DustinBowcot
Posted: June 4th, 2019, 3:32am Report to Moderator
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Code

You have some deep-seeded...



deep-seated.


Other than that so far, I like it.

OK. This one works... but is let down by the extra dialogue at the end. Drop the charlatan line. Hold the action on Dwight. When he agrees with her for the final time just have her chop into him. Then move onto the doctor. Have the shavings flying as a frame change, then cut to the dildos and maybe just have her raise one eyebrow or something. The final line isn't very strong.

This is the best I've read so far. This is how you do horror comedy.
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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: June 4th, 2019, 5:25am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Not for me.

No real horror. Just straight comedy.

I think the story would be better reversed, that she wants somene to agree with her and then turns them into a bobbleheaded doll.

Going from the normal to surreal works. The surreal to normal, not so much.
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DustinBowcot
Posted: June 4th, 2019, 11:00am Report to Moderator
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There's not meant to be real horror, it's a horror-comedy. The horror is meant to be funny, not scary. Somebody being stabbed to death in a horror comedy is funny - even if it's gory. Somebody being stabbed to death in a straight horror is horrifying - when done right.
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Matthew Taylor
Posted: June 4th, 2019, 11:20am Report to Moderator
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Hello writer

Even before opening it I am worried - you have 3 genres listed (Comedy, Horror, Action) - the parameters were to fuse two together - only two.

Just Stop - or revenge of the dolls? - last minute name change?

Ok - it's not action - no idea why you put that as one of the genres - so you did only fuse the two.

I liked the comedy, to be honest - the ending landed for me.

it was a quick, simple read - well executed, some more of the horror could have come out of this - show more of the suffering/killing of the bobbleheads.

Good job


Feature

42.2

Two steps to writing a good screenplay:
1) Write a bad one
2) Fix it
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Pete B. Lane
Posted: June 4th, 2019, 5:22pm Report to Moderator
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I found myself chuckling ever so slightly (that's a guffaw for most people), so points for that.

I agree, this one works and could be produced easily and successfully.

But frankly, it's twice as long as it needs to be. Cut half the dialog and focus on the visual gags and you could have a pretty cute short - you already do, but y'know.
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Warren
Posted: June 4th, 2019, 8:19pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


A man who has taught his mind to misbehave

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Hi writer,

A well written piece, nothing really jumped out at me.

I quite liked the setup, I’ve done something similar in the past, give inanimate objects 'personality', so the comedy worked for me for the most part.

There wasn’t any horror, just a comedy. It's hard to get too invested in the idea that bobblehead dolls are being butchered, funny sure, horrific, not at all.

I also didn’t see any action, I presume that may be a typo considering the story.

Just realised... Scott and Dwight  

Quite liked it.

All the best.


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eldave1
Posted: June 4th, 2019, 8:24pm Report to Moderator
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Well written. I would have only made the boyfriend a bobble-doll.

If the shrink were a real human, you may also consider her shaving the bobble doll down to a spear and plunging in in the shrink's chest,


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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stevie
Posted: June 4th, 2019, 8:35pm Report to Moderator
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Yeah straight up comedy. It isn't hilarious funny but its a nice twist.



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leitskev
Posted: June 5th, 2019, 10:21am Report to Moderator
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I have to meekly raise my hand in the corner and admit...I really, really liked this!

It made me laugh. Several times. And it's hard for a script to make a person laugh.

The images were very good. The bobble shrink and bobble husband.

And things fit. Bobbles seem to always be agreeing with someone! So in this case he always agrees with his wife, which used to be endearing but now has become intolerable. A VERY apt metaphor.

The only problem was criteria. This is straight comedy. A super reach to call this horror or action. That leaves me unsure how to score. I would actually say, to my shock, this is so far my favorite. But without ignoring the fusion requirement(unless we consider doll mutilation horrible), this story would not have been possible.

I think I will subtract one point also from the "story" category. But it will score well enough in other areas to vault into the lead on my board. Thanks for the fun read!
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Gary in Houston
Posted: June 5th, 2019, 12:45pm Report to Moderator
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This is one of those ones you laugh at and then feel guilty for doing so. It was fun and silly and mindless, but it was also the shortest one I’ve read so far so bonus points for that!

Probably could cut a few lines here and there and get it down to just three pages. I like the idea that both the Doc and the husband are bobble heads. It might be even sillier to imagine them in a bobble head world where she’s the only human. That might require more exposition than in wanted here.  You could also make everyone a bobble head. That could have been interesting.

Still, liked it for what it was, a fun, breezy read.

Also, out of all the ones I’ve read so far, this might be the easiest to film.

Best of luck,
Gary


Some of my scripts:

Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly
I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner
The Gambler (short) - OWC winner
Skip (short) - filmed
Country Road 12 (short) - filmed
The Family Man (short) - filmed
The Journeyers (feature) - optioned

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AnthonyCawood
Posted: June 5th, 2019, 4:39pm Report to Moderator
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I enjoyed this, definitely does well on the comedy scale.

No Action but you had a backup genre

And I kinda liked the fact that you had two bobbleheads and one person, that alone made me chuckle.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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khamanna
Posted: June 6th, 2019, 7:39am Report to Moderator
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I guess it fills the genre category more or less.
I didnt get the story here and why Dwight was responding being the doll and all.
Him agreeing with her on everything - thats funny.
The story is thin for me though
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DustinBowcot
Posted: June 6th, 2019, 7:48am Report to Moderator
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This could also be filmed without using large Bobbleheads but humans in place. The Bobbleheads could be on a desk or bookshelf and when the husband agrees with an irritating nod of the head, the frame cuts to one of the nodding bobbleheads. Same with the doctor. So, they don't actually need to be bobbleheads to appear as bobbleheads.

This is the best story I've read so far that correctly fuses two genres, and it uses the bobblehead theme to its fullest.
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