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It was essentially a stand up routine featuring a Rat. The jokes, while not bad, didn't have the strength to carry the whole story.
EDIT: If the writer has any intentions of carrying this forward, I would suggest that you give your team of Rats something to do. An adventure to go on, or going off what's in the script as written...they should be the ones to bring the Criminals to justice.
They relax and watch the flow for their next meal or a source of entertainment.
I love a good aside, but this serves no purpose and is impossible to portray on screen.
Quoted Text
FRANKY Dunno, Dino. What are you? JUNIOR A Rattus Dumbikus?
This went completely over my head. I know there's a joke there but I don't get it.
Quoted Text
DINO (cont'd) (beat) Get it? A pie-rat?
boom-tish.
Quoted Text
not out humor
Is this missing a word or two?
Mentioned it in another thread but not a fan of the comic book sounds. I guess for these scripts it's maybe the best was to signal the whistle blast. I just don't like the way they looks in a script. Also 3 lines every time you use one, that's wasted real estate in my opinion.
Quoted Text
JUNIOR I bet this ain't the first time those two convicts slid into a shitty manhole.
Nope, I don't like this kind of stuff, not my kind of humour at all.
And that's it. Not really much of a story, just some bad jokes (intentionally). The whistle is very under used, it's there, but has no real baring on the story.
This isn't for me, sorry.
The writing was good though, nothing jumped out at me.
I love a good aside, but this serves no purpose and is impossible to portray on screen.
This went completely over my head. I know there's a joke there but I don't get it.
boom-tish.
Is this missing a word or two?
Mentioned it in another thread but not a fan of the comic book sounds. I guess for these scripts it's maybe the best was to signal the whistle blast. I just don't like the way they looks in a script. Also 3 lines every time you use one, that's wasted real estate in my opinion.
Nope, I don't like this kind of stuff, not my kind of humour at all.
And that's it. Not really much of a story, just some bad jokes (intentionally). The whistle is very under used, it's there, but has no real baring on the story.
This isn't for me, sorry.
The writing was good though, nothing jumped out at me.
JUNIOR
I bet this ain't the first time
those two convicts slid into a
shitty manhole.
This is on page three and is a big shift in tone. I'd actually lowered my reading age to the 3-7-year age range. This joke, however, brings it to an over 18. That's very, very jarring.
It's a reference to homosexual sex in prisons. Shitty manhole....Male anus. What's going on with you Aussies? I thought you were famous for your sense of humour?
You know what, I just came back to say: Ah, I get it! And you jumped in, Rick. Admittedly I was a bit slow on the uptake but that line does change the tone. In my defence I was looking for another funny line but that one is quite abrasively literal,.
Opening passage does not seem to be written for a comedy and it shows very little life, right out of the gate.
"They relax and watch the flow for their next meal or a source of entertainment." - Huh? Talk about an unfilmable. Man of man, not good.
So, when you "first" intro a character, the name or whatever you chose to use, needs to be CAPPED. In this case, it's "three RATS". Sure, when you actually give them a name, you CAPPED correctly, but you sure took up alot of space to intro 3 characters.
"Rattus Dumbikis" - Is this supposed to be a play on something I'm not familiar with? On it's own, it's just not at all funny. The pie-rat joke was much better, but again, not very funny.
So, another poor attempt at humor, but at least there are attempts and now things seem to be in a comedy type way. BUT, we're already 1 1/2 pages in and the entire script is just barely over 3 pages, so it's looking like there ain't gonna be no story here, huh?
"swims back to the pack" - I don't know if I'd call 2 rats a pack.
TWEEEEE - is this a how a whistle sounds? I don't know, but it's irritating just to read that.
Last joke is indeed funny, but it completely changes the context here, in terms of tone and who this is for. It's a little jarring to say the least.
Story - Absolutely no story here at all, as I could tell after reading the 1st page. Literally no attempt to craft any semblance of a story.
Characters - Well, the 1 rat who keeps trying to entertain his mates has character. There's not much to any of these 3, though, and the other characters who literally run by, have zero character.
Dialogue - The humor is mostly all miss and there's nothing going on, but actually, IMO, your dialogue isn't bad. It's definitely not good, but you'll get a few points here at least.
Prose - It's not bad by any means, but it sure ain't jumping off the page at me, screaming, "I'm a great writer, damnit!" Again, not great, but far from being bad.
Criteria - Yep, check. Comedy, although not very funny, a sewer, and a whistle, although barely used.
Well, with some minor changes (the hepatitis line f.i.) I truly could see this as a short kiddy animation segment which they add to those weekend morning shows. It's not very different to what they do there if you, as said, leave out the adults stuff.
It had a charming tone throughout. As a whole, the story wasn't exciting to follow or rewarding. There simply was no clear circle drawn I guess, call it storyline. Still as a continuing segment within a show, it should work.
Pages: 1, 
Author
The Rat Pack - WT2
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