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Henry Schmidt: A Tosher's Tale - WT2 (currently 3299 views)
DustinBowcot
Posted: July 17th, 2019, 5:35pm
Guest User
I was there right from the beginning with Rincewind and the luggage. Ankh Morpork and the university. I'd open the first page of each new book with relish. I read the early books several times and there isn't many authors I can do that with. I sucked in every single word. A genius, a true storyteller. Right up there with the greats.
Did you ever read any Tom Sharpe? He was a master too. There'd be a build-up for a hundred pages or so, and then the shit would hit the proverbial... hilarious. Not enough writers of that ilk, unfortunately.
I just read this blindsided without any idea of the logline or the tournament’s criteria. Best to judge it purely on its own merits I think.
Good opening, enumerating, with images, the different clichés we associate with Victorian London. “bullocks”
- Is this intentionally misspelled? If so, great!
Ha, I didn’t notice until the bottom of page two that it’s written in rhyming verse, nice. Regardless of that, I’m a sucker for Victorian literature so I’m enjoying the narrator’s linguistic flourishes. Also, because Henry’s vocation is a unique, disgusting and somewhat absurd one, it stops the piece from feeling too stuffy and serious.
NARRATOR (V.O.) Like a Scotsman with the pipes, he blew a melancholy tone, and the snitches peered down with faces of stone.
- This is really the only line that creaks in its reaching for a rhyme. Why expressions of “stone”? I wonder is there a word that rhymes with “confusion”, “surprise” etc as I imagine the reaction to be if you suddenly saw a pig rooting around a London sewer.
And to your credit, it is followed by my favourite couplet:
NARRATOR (V.O.) The stage was set, audience anticipation alight. Step forward, beast, enter stage right.
- Would the onlookers really be that scared and just flee? I figured curiosity would overrule their revulsion.
Also, I thought Henry had rigged the “costume” in such a way that he could wear it as he worked so if anyone happened to look down at any time they would just see a pig, quite literally, in shit. That’s asking for too much I know.
Hmmm, “below” and “sow” don’t rhyme in this context
I really enjoyed this. Very compact and effective little tale you have here. The rhyming adds that extra embellishment but even without that it functions on its own as a solid piece of storytelling.
Now, the big question...what actor is going to sign up to play the titular character? That is one tough role! Sure, Leo ate raw liver and slept in a bear carcass but did he ever submerge himself in sewer faeces...in a pig carcass!
Thanks for the read and comments, col. Much appreciated.
I'm glad you enjoyed it. This was a test for me to see how well I could take on board all of the comments from the original version and incorporate into an improved rewrite.
Indeed it is. I actually spelled it "ballocks" which I am reliably informed was more common in Victorian England than bollocks - Although, in dialogue, no one would really know the difference.
NARRATOR (V.O.) Like a Scotsman with the pipes, he blew a melancholy tone, and the snitches peered down with faces of stone.
Funny you should pick that one out - That's the one I spent most time on as I didn't like anything I came up with. This line was the best of a bad bunch. I'll step away from this for a week or two and go back in with a fresh mind.
Would the onlookers really be that scared and just flee? I figured curiosity would overrule their revulsion.
Yea I'm taking liberties with this one lol. The victorian era was one of monsters, both in literature and urban legend. There is an actual urban legend of black swine in Victorian sewers, which was the inspiration for my story - So I'm hoping people will let this slide lol
Hmmm, �below� and �sow� don�t rhyme in this context
Ha! I'm an idiot - I have been saying "sow" wrong my entire life. I just heard the correct pronunciation - ooops. Now it doesn't rhyme at all, thanks for pointing it out.
Very happy that you like this one. I respect your opinion a lot so thank you.
I have no idea who would play Henry - to be honest, with the sets and costumes involved I doubt it will ever be made, unless it's an animation of some kind.
Indeed it is. I actually spelled it "ballocks" which I am reliably informed was more common in Victorian England than bollocks - Although, in dialogue, no one would really know the difference.
Interesting, I didn't know that. I thought it was accent/inflection detail.
Yea I'm taking liberties with this one lol. The victorian era was one of monsters, both in literature and urban legend. There is an actual urban legend of black swine in Victorian sewers, which was the inspiration for my story - So I'm hoping people will let this slide lol
That's true, people would've been a lot more susceptible to believing in monsters back then and easily freaked out.
I have no idea who would play Henry - to be honest, with the sets and costumes involved I doubt it will ever be made, unless it's an animation of some kind.
Animation could work but also there is really only a few locations. A couple of rooms, the opening montage and the sewer. The latter would be tricky to realise in a live action, I guess just make it as dark as possible and keep the shots tight....and lots of brown stuff.