SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 29th, 2024, 1:08am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    The 2019 Writers' Tournament  ›  Henry Schmidt: A Tosher's Tale - WT2 Moderators: Mr. Blonde
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 5 Guests

 Pages: « 1, 2, 3, 4 : All
Recommend Print
  Author    Henry Schmidt: A Tosher's Tale - WT2  (currently 3299 views)
DustinBowcot
Posted: July 17th, 2019, 5:35pm Report to Moderator
Guest User



I was there right from the beginning with Rincewind and the luggage. Ankh Morpork and the university. I'd open the first page of each new book with relish. I read the early books several times and there isn't many authors I can do that with. I sucked in every single word. A genius, a true storyteller. Right up there with the greats.

Did you ever read any Tom Sharpe? He was a master too. There'd be a build-up for a hundred pages or so, and then the shit would hit the proverbial... hilarious. Not enough writers of that ilk, unfortunately.
Logged
e-mail Reply: 45 - 48
Colkurtz8
Posted: July 30th, 2019, 11:20am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
--> Over There
Posts
1731
Posts Per Day
0.30
Mathew

I just read this blindsided without any idea of the logline or the tournament’s criteria. Best to judge it purely on its own merits I think.

Good opening, enumerating, with images, the different clichés we associate with Victorian London.
“bullocks”

- Is this intentionally misspelled? If so, great!

Ha, I didn’t notice until the bottom of page two that it’s written in rhyming verse, nice. Regardless of that, I’m a sucker for Victorian literature so I’m enjoying the narrator’s linguistic flourishes. Also, because Henry’s vocation is a unique, disgusting and somewhat absurd one, it stops the piece from feeling too stuffy and serious.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
Like a Scotsman with the pipes, he blew a melancholy tone,
and the snitches peered down with faces of stone.

- This is really the only line that creaks in its reaching for a rhyme.  Why expressions of “stone”? I wonder is there a word that rhymes with “confusion”, “surprise” etc as I imagine the reaction to be if you suddenly saw a pig rooting around a London sewer.

And to your credit, it is followed by my favourite couplet:

NARRATOR (V.O.)
The stage was set, audience anticipation alight.
Step forward, beast, enter stage right.

- Would the onlookers really be that scared and just flee? I figured curiosity would overrule their revulsion.

Also, I thought Henry had rigged the “costume” in such a way that he could wear it as he worked so if anyone happened to look down at any time they would just see a pig, quite literally, in shit. That’s asking for too much I know.

Hmmm, “below” and “sow” don’t rhyme in this context

I really enjoyed this. Very compact and effective little tale you have here. The rhyming adds that extra embellishment but even without that it functions on its own as a solid piece of storytelling.

Now, the big question...what actor is going to sign up to play the titular character? That is one tough role! Sure, Leo ate raw liver and slept in a bear carcass but did he ever submerge himself in sewer faeces...in a pig carcass!

Anyway, good work.

Col.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 46 - 48
Matthew Taylor
Posted: July 31st, 2019, 7:37am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Shakespeare's county
Posts
1770
Posts Per Day
0.89
Thanks for the read and comments, col. Much appreciated.

I'm glad you enjoyed it. This was a test for me to see how well I could take on board all of the comments from the original version and incorporate into an improved rewrite.





Quoted from Colkurtz8
�bullocks�

- Is this intentionally misspelled? If so, great!


Indeed it is. I actually spelled it "ballocks" which I am reliably informed was more common in Victorian England than bollocks - Although, in dialogue, no one would really know the difference.


Quoted from Colkurtz8
NARRATOR (V.O.)
Like a Scotsman with the pipes, he blew a melancholy tone,
and the snitches peered down with faces of stone.


Funny you should pick that one out - That's the one I spent most time on as I didn't like anything I came up with. This line was the best of a bad bunch. I'll step away from this for a week or two and go back in with a fresh mind.




Quoted from Colkurtz8
Would the onlookers really be that scared and just flee? I figured curiosity would overrule their revulsion.


Yea I'm taking liberties with this one lol. The victorian era was one of monsters, both in literature and urban legend. There is an actual urban legend of black swine in Victorian sewers, which was the inspiration for my story - So I'm hoping people will let this slide lol



Quoted from Colkurtz8
Hmmm, �below� and �sow� don�t rhyme in this context


Ha! I'm an idiot - I have been saying "sow" wrong my entire life. I just heard the correct pronunciation -  ooops. Now it doesn't rhyme at all, thanks for pointing it out.

Very happy that you like this one. I respect your opinion a lot so thank you.

I have no idea who would play Henry - to be honest, with the sets and costumes involved I doubt it will ever be made, unless it's an animation of some kind.

Still, I live in hope.

Thanks again

Matt


Feature

42.2

Two steps to writing a good screenplay:
1) Write a bad one
2) Fix it
Logged
Private Message Reply: 47 - 48
Colkurtz8
Posted: July 31st, 2019, 2:51pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
--> Over There
Posts
1731
Posts Per Day
0.30
Matt


Quoted from Matthew Taylor
Indeed it is. I actually spelled it "ballocks" which I am reliably informed was more common in Victorian England than bollocks - Although, in dialogue, no one would really know the difference.


Interesting, I didn't know that. I thought it was accent/inflection detail.


Quoted from Matthew Taylor
Yea I'm taking liberties with this one lol. The victorian era was one of monsters, both in literature and urban legend. There is an actual urban legend of black swine in Victorian sewers, which was the inspiration for my story - So I'm hoping people will let this slide lol


That's true, people would've been a lot more susceptible to believing in monsters back then and easily freaked out.


Quoted from Matthew Taylor
I have no idea who would play Henry - to be honest, with the sets and costumes involved I doubt it will ever be made, unless it's an animation of some kind.


Animation could work but also there is really only a few locations. A couple of rooms, the opening montage and the sewer. The latter would be tricky to realise in a live action, I guess just make it as dark as possible and keep the shots tight....and lots of brown stuff.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 48 - 48
 Pages: « 1, 2, 3, 4 : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    The 2019 Writers' Tournament   [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006