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I had to read at least one entry before going to bed and...who's the lucky one!
OMG! You came up with this in 72 hours? Nice work! You shoe-horned in the hand sanitizer but it counts in my books. Great story, good character development and pretty decent (maybe a little cheezy) dialog. Very good writing. All in all, a great start for round three. Great job, writer!
Hmm, the use of the sanitizer was quite ingenious, shoehorned, and a tad silly as well.
An ambitious idea with moments of humour that tickled my funny bone. When horns start appearing in stories/scripts I turn off a bit, but hey that's just me. I wasn't really feeling the horror but that's like I said cause this ain't the type of horror to scare me or enthrall me.
This one was interesting . It would have read better for me if you named the tech guy. I know you don’t have long to setup only being allowed 5 pages. I would have liked to see the tech guy hook into the plane. Maybe he goes into the bathroom unlocks a small panel and plugs in a cable. Something like that. One sec he was sitting, then poof he’s hacked the plane.
I take naming of the “Tech Bro” back. A high jacker isn’t going to introduce himself . My fault for not thinking that thru.
I like Kaleb. Older people are harder to scare. They’ve done had life throw everything at them. So tech bro ,like he said ,was an ”inconvenience.” He was my so called relatable character that tied the story together nicely .
The winged monster was a nice surprise. Washing the blood off with hand sanitizer was unique .
The flight attendant forgetting to restart CPR lol.
You know how to weave plot and story pretty well. When I found out she was pregnant. That was a nice payoff out of a tragic situation .
Okay I get it, surely you could have come up with something better than tech-bro.
Kaleb knees Tech-Bro in the balls. Tech-Bro crumples.
I really dislike that name and it is starting to affect the read for me.
TECH-BRO Yeah, the Flying Spaghetti Monster’s going to be all mad at me if I keep you flying after dark.
This guy sounds like a complete idiot, someone not capable of doing what he's doing.
KALEB My order guards the secret of the Sheydim. They were to be companions to Man, but were unfinished when the Sixth Day ended. TECH-BRO Wow, you hit your head really hard. ESTER We support the Sheydim who wish to live among Men in peace. Hunt down those who do not. Hezekiah buries his head under his arms, whimpering quietly, comforted by the Jewish Woman GURIT (1 next to him. KALEB As I said, the Sheydim were unfinished. A Sheyd needs the order of the holy laws. Without that firmest of guidance, he is lost.
Mass exposition, it really needs to be done well to be pulled off, for me this wasn't one of those times.
KALEB Miss, put the watch on your wrist. FLIGHT ATTENDANT Okay, but I can’t log into it. She fastens the strap, but the countdown continues. KALEB His password is zero six six six, perhaps a very stupid joke.
This is so convenient to the story.
She “forgets” to resume the CPR.
Her real motivations would only be known if you show us or tell us. This is some really awkward writing.
Tentatively, a Passenger mom with a diaper bag offers a small bottle of hand sanitizer. Ester checks for the Kosher symbol, accepts the bottle, and other moms come forward.
I almost forgot all about the sanitizer. It's there though.
Still in the window seat, Gurit’s cries of pain end. She straightens up, enters the aisle. She’s five months pregnant. GURIT Not all.
Sorry but that ending was really cringe worthy.
Lots of moving parts that don’t feel like they sit too well together.
Some of the dialogue, while trying to sound 'proper' just comes off robotic.
Criteria met for me. Won’t do too well in the other categories.
I was intrigued when they confront the Tech-Bro right at the start of his plan. Had me leaning forward. It was an interesting twist on what I was picturing... seemingly peaceful people with a violent purpose... I liked the feel of that.
But, when the horns/wings came out, you totally lost me. Now, I realize you were chasing horror for the challenge. But, I'd like to see the version of this where it's just normal people acting in a completely unexpected way.
In the end, I enjoyed the first couple of pages, but not the last.
60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature
Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror
This had a good start to it, nice setup. This type of suspense has been achieved with good effect in films like Red Eye, e.g. But it started going downhill for me with the dialogue between “Tech Bro” (which, while descriptive, seems very out of place here) and Kaleb. I thought it was going to rebound as the transfiguration occurred, but that part fell a bit flat for me. My issue with the dialogue is that it’s mainly expository— that is, it explains things to the reader through the dialogue rather than showing us what’s happening.
I think with a bit of rewriting and a longer script to work with, you might have the nucleus of a pretty decent story.
Best of luck, Gary
An utterly mediocre writer who somehow still falls bass ackwards into getting some of his scripts produced.
Excellent story. Tech-Bro’s motivation for the hijacking—to be regarded as the best black-hat hacker, however, tells me he’s not too bright. I’m sure there’s a department in an agency not to be mentioned that specializes in deleting any black-hat hacker that can’t be co-opted. And Tech-Bro doesn’t strike me as co-optible. Kaleb comes off as very cool guy, as ready with a witticism as with a knee to the stones.
"a TECH-BRO" made me think it was a thing, rather than just a strange character name. A google search for Tech-bro tells me it is, although I still don't fully understand lol - he still needs a name though.
" The Flight Attendant backs away toward the rear of the plane." - lol i just had images of him/her slowly walking backwards, whistling in a "nothing to do with me" sort of way.
These Jewish characters are interesting - Kaleb, very calm in the face of this situation - Ester, again calm enough, and clever enough, to check the faces of the passengers to look for an accomplice - they are like some kind of secret agents - I hope we get to know more about them.
"(gagging)" - I don't think this is the right word, that's more for choking - unless Kaleb kneed him in the balls so hard they entered his throat and made him gag, I would use 'gasping' - or nothing at all really, it's not needed - any actor worth his salt knows the character has just had his bits squashed and would act accordingly.
I'm afraid that my uneducated self does not know a lot about Judaism - so I'm off to google, back in a mo...
...OK, Sheyd is demon in Hebrew - these Jews seem to be some kind of demon hunters/educators - support the demons that live amongst them peacefully, kill the rest. I think I'm up to speed lol
What I have an issue with so far is this...
TECH-BRO You know, I could go to any country unfriendly to the U.S. Seems to be more of those every week. But just for that, weï¿½re going to Syria where it will be Friday... night. HEZEKIAH No! I beg of you!
First, I still don't know what the relevance is of it being Friday night when they get to Syria, or why it has upset the Jewish demon hunters - but mostly, I don't understand how Tech-bro does know that it will upset them... he just confused them with Amish people so how does he now suddenly understand Jewish demonology?... either that or I am missing something obvious lol
There was this tidbit...
FLIGHT ATTENDANT Not at all. I apologize for the delays, but we should reach Athens with plenty of time to get to your hotel before sunset.
But that is for the audience - Even if Tech-Bro overheard the attendant say this, it's a big jump to then think they would be upset if it was night time - I really hope I am making sense lol
Wow - didn't see that coming. I love it lol - great imagery of the beast and the people trying to subdue him - visually I would really like this.
Some clever story points in here too, the use of the sanitizer, the laptop and watch and how to disarm it, the knowledge of Jewish demonology - all good, it was unique and well, puts my entry to absolute shame lol
It's not without issues though - some for me were: - Tech-bro knowing that night time would upset the Jews - Hezekiah, I guess I am suppose to feel something for him and his impending doom at the end, but the revelation he has a child - problem is, I've spent so much time with Kaleb and not Hezekiah, it is Kaleb's fate that I am most interested in. - Tension, I don't have a lot at the end - I didn't sense the characters (other than Tech-Bro who I don't care about) were in danger, they subdued the demon, Kaleb knew the password and quickly had the idea for the wrist watch - I guess the 5 page limit was a problem for that.
But wow, writer - Cleverly written, interesting and unique story, interesting characters - all in 72 hours... I'm jealous