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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    The 2019 Writers' Tournament  ›  Black Mamba - WT4 Moderators: Mr. Blonde
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  Author    Black Mamba - WT4  (currently 1126 views)
Don
Posted: June 24th, 2019, 10:36pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Black Mamba by Upper Deck - For one gladiator, church provides neither solace nor sanctuary. - Short, Action


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Matthew Taylor
Posted: June 25th, 2019, 7:01am Report to Moderator
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Hello writer

Nice detailed descriptions - nicely written and flows well.

Oh, at first I thought she played this Black Mamba character on TV or something, but this kid saw a fight down his street.... intriguing

A sci-fi - thank god. and now a fight in a church is about to begin... wish I had popcorn with me.
my interest is peaked and I really hope it is tied up nicely at the end.

Ok, I'm done - I really liked it to be honest, a sci-fi fight scene in a church. It gave me impressions of Running Man.

Writing is great, the action flowed and I'm pretty sure I could see everything the way you wanted me to.

The world is interesting, but this reads more like proof of concept short or a teaser - the short is not an enclosed story by any means, who is paying for this? how the hell is it legal? why is she a fighter - is she being forced?... I want to know these things, so that's good I guess, but the short doesn't answer them.

But overall, really good job. I like it.


Feature

42.2

Two steps to writing a good screenplay:
1) Write a bad one
2) Fix it
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Gary in Houston
Posted: June 25th, 2019, 1:38pm Report to Moderator
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A lot of questions raised by this one, like why are they in this Hunger Games type of battle world where fighters keep getting eliminated?  Why did she have to kill her friend?  How did she get roped into this competition?  

But i can set those questions aside as the writing is pretty spot on for an action piece.  Got all the elements of the challenge built in perfectly, so good job there. Enjoyed how it was laid out and resolved. A bit confused at that ending, but not enough to ding you for it.

If there’s one thing I would complain about, and it’s minor, it’s that the action sequence may have gone too long, but because the writing was so good, I was willing to overlook that.

Great job here.


Some of my scripts:

Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly
I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner
The Gambler (short) - OWC winner
Skip (short) - filmed
Country Road 12 (short) - filmed
The Family Man (short) - filmed
The Journeyers (feature) - optioned

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stevie
Posted: June 25th, 2019, 5:50pm Report to Moderator
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I reckon any type of future world scenario needs a Super near the start so we aren�t second guessing. There�s a couple like that in this round.

Just have something like NYC 2050 or whatever. This one could be a UFC cosplay for all we know lol.  Anyway some good visuals here. The card is in there but it and the action are merely in there to fulfil the criteria   All the scripts will be like that so all good



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Warren
Posted: June 25th, 2019, 8:37pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


A man who has taught his mind to misbehave

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Hi writer,


Quoted Text
The worshippers see their wrist
bands are flashing yellow


What wrist bands? Has this been set up? I'll have to go back I think I might have missed it.

Some pretty good world building, I kind of wish you spent a bit more time on that than the fight scene, there is obviously more to the story.

The writing is very good, one of SS's better writers I'd say. Criteria has been met.

All the best.


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Pale Yellow
Posted: June 25th, 2019, 9:49pm Report to Moderator
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Wow... my favorite title and favorite logline so far. Great job.

And super GREAT writing on display here. LOVE your characters. Love your dialogue. Wow.

I loved this... some notes... Why was Black Mamba so 'down' at the beginning? Also what was the deal with the bracelet? I liked everything else with the boy.

I've only read three but this is my favorite so far.
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DustinBowcot
Posted: June 26th, 2019, 4:20am Report to Moderator
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Code

A PRIEST comes up the aisle...



And not for the first time that morning... oi, oi!

The writing is a little more passive than it needs to be.

It's definitely an action piece. Not much of a story. It seems like the sort of thing my kids would watch.
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PrussianMosby
Posted: June 26th, 2019, 2:54pm Report to Moderator
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Black Mamba

Snakes and Gladiators… sounds exciting.

P2 okay, nice, mysterious world-building so far

This was awesome. I read it very slow because the choreography was so inventive and on point that I didn't want to miss any of your vision. I also think the whole gladiator social media world has a lot of potential as a commercial concept.



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Spqr
Posted: June 27th, 2019, 6:45pm Report to Moderator
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The Lucinda and Godkiller fight was very good. And I got that Lucinda is about ready to battle the system itself, but the magical properties of the black and green tendrils detracted from my enjoyment of the story. And the kid Roger was really dumb; Lucinda should have considered letting Godkiller finish him off.
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JEStaats
Posted: June 27th, 2019, 8:01pm Report to Moderator
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No sh*t, there I was....

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Nice work, writer. Well crafted, overall.

I liked the characters Black Mamba and Godkiller, but really didn't like Roger. A bit too whingy for me.

Pretty decent dialog throughout; no complaints.
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LC
Posted: June 27th, 2019, 9:14pm Report to Moderator
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Very nicely done.

The only line that rankled a bit was this one:

GODKILLER
That’s the game, sweet cheeks.
It’s what they pay for.


Minor gripe, just didn't sit well with the rest of the tone imho.

LUCINDA
I was going to quit.

That line seemed to me as if it fits somewhere else, as if you needed to plant her conflicted stance somewhere, anywhere.

I think the cards worked nicely even though they're not trading cards as much as they are voting/barracking cards.

Action was nicely orchestrated, the inky transformations reminiscent of XMen. I could picture it well.

Writer, you did a fine job.

Edit: I notice some think Roger is a bit of a drag and a bit whiny. I didn't think so. He's a kid, and he's in awe of Lucinda. Adulation. Kids can be whiny. Maybe make him a couple of years younger?



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ghost and_ghostie gal
Posted: June 28th, 2019, 12:47am Report to Moderator
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Ok, you scored in all the right areas - the right tone, the very nice descriptions, tight dialogue. Except for that one line.  Anyhoo, we will not go there.    But I'm not totally sure I got the story, but I definitely want to keep reading if it were a feature...

Ugh, I'm probably breaking a Simply Script rule by saying I really liked it and thought it was beautifully written.  Don't really have anything to add.  Not terribly helpful or insightful, I know, just felt I should throw it out there.  Best of luck!  


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JEStaats
Posted: June 28th, 2019, 1:23pm Report to Moderator
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No sh*t, there I was....

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Ugh, I'm probably breaking a Simply Script rule by saying I really liked it and thought it was beautifully written.  Don't really have anything to add.  Not terribly helpful or insightful, I know, just felt I should throw it out there.  Best of luck!  


No rules broken. We love the feedback!
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: June 28th, 2019, 2:41pm Report to Moderator
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Reminds me of Sonnie's Edge from the recent Netflix series - I liked too!

So all crfiteria met, writing is solid and the action entertaining with a cleverly integrated trading card.

Liked very much!


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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PKCardinal
Posted: June 30th, 2019, 12:25pm Report to Moderator
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Excellent world building. Clearly a piece of something much bigger.

A little unclear as to why all the "subscribers" are watching this in a stadium somewhere, while the action takes place elsewhere... (generally, you pay money to watch the action live) but, that's a nit.

Very well written. Could easily be expanded to a feature.


PaulKWrites.com

60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature
The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature
Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature

Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror
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