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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    The 2019 Writers' Tournament  ›  A New Present - WT5 - Optioned Moderators: Mr. Blonde, Moderator
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  Author    A New Present - WT5 - Optioned  (currently 2626 views)
Don
Posted: July 2nd, 2019, 9:35pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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A New Present by Warren Duncan (Warren)  writing as Somebody I Used To Know - Short, Sci Fi, Drama - After a horrific accident, a father's undying love drives him to achieve the impossible. 5 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work


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Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  January 21st, 2020, 11:19pm
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Zack
Posted: July 2nd, 2019, 11:31pm Report to Moderator
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Don't get it right. Get it written.

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Another pretty good one. Think I might know who wrote this.

At first I didn't like how you were handling the time jumps, but it came together at the end.

Really strong work here. Top marks from me.

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Zack  -  July 3rd, 2019, 1:25am
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_ghostwriters
Posted: July 3rd, 2019, 7:58am Report to Moderator
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Woohoo Time Travel!   Very clean and easy to read.   I gotta say I enjoyed it. I'm always a sucka for a good scyfy script.   This was nice.  Visual, moved quickly, established characters and settings vividly... left me wanting more.  Nothing to rip.   It would only be nit-picking.  The other scripts in R5 are going to be hard pressed...

Sorry if this sounds like lame feedback.  Best of luck!  -Andrea


"When I dive... I go deep, only to surface the hub when necessary."

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Matthew Taylor
Posted: July 3rd, 2019, 9:11am Report to Moderator
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This is not cool writer! do you know how bad you have made my script look with this entry?
Seriously, why did you have to go and make it look so easy?

Positives - Well written, a great story that provokes the right emotions, characters we can empathize with and a satisfying conclusion.

Negatives - you made my script look like it was written by a drunk chimp with sight impairment.

Nice work


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Grandma Bear
Posted: July 3rd, 2019, 9:31am Report to Moderator
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Predictable once I learned that Freddy died, but written expertly IMO. Emotions show in all three characters. Cute moment with Paul and Freddy pretending to race.

Not much to say here as it's in good shape already. Checked all the parameters and story was good. I imagine this one will be a contender.

Good Luck!  


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PrussianMosby
Posted: July 3rd, 2019, 9:51am Report to Moderator
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A New Present

The story is okay as a drama. The script is clean and the handsaw has a remarkable moment.

However, the story is a drama. This simply is no Science Fiction script. While the payoff tries to say it, the true story experience is not the slightest in the genre. Possibly, someone who is not familiar with writing the SF genre. So... criteria not met here.



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Zack
Posted: July 3rd, 2019, 9:59am Report to Moderator
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Don't get it right. Get it written.

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Quoted from PrussianMosby
A New Present

The story is okay as a drama. The script is clean and the handsaw has a remarkable moment.

However, the story is a drama. This simply is no Science Fiction script. While the payoff tries to say it, the true story experience is not the slightest in the genre. Possibly, someone who is not familiar with writing the SF genre. So... criteria not met here.


Time travel is a large part of this script. How is that not Sci-Fi?

Didn't write this, btw. Wish I did, though.
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PrussianMosby
Posted: July 3rd, 2019, 10:06am Report to Moderator
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Hahaha. So, the reveal explains the Drama was actually a Science Fiction script???

Ridicolous. That's not how genre works. Genre is honest and clear.



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Fais85
Posted: July 3rd, 2019, 11:26am Report to Moderator
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Wow !! Well written piece. Perfectly captured emotions from all 3 characters. Handsaw played a key role. Amazing job here.
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PrussianMosby
Posted: July 3rd, 2019, 11:26am Report to Moderator
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Since you emphasize it in the way you do… hmmm...


Quoted from Warren

the main character spends half the script building a time machine, so we have a sci-fi.


Exactly, this is what not happens on the screen, in the reality of the story we watch. The script hides that all from the reader. There's nothing of a SF feel, atmosphere, plot until the reveal that wants to be it in hindsight.

At the bottom of page 4 is the very first moment of a fiction element on screen that is touchable and real - actually on screen.

It is a drama.



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eldave1
Posted: July 3rd, 2019, 1:26pm Report to Moderator
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Congrats - really well written. Parameters nailed. Clever use of the hacksaw.

A nice full circle story in five pages - well done.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Gary Howell
Posted: July 3rd, 2019, 4:04pm Report to Moderator
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I’ll say I liked this, well-written, nicely constructed and with a bit of heart to it.  Wasn’t crazy about the SUPER’s, but I understand you used them to get your end result.

I just need clarity about the ending. He is back in the “new present” but how old is his son now?  The dad has aged but has the boy?  Did Paul go back in time and stop the boy from dying?  If so (and here is where my head starts hurting), then he wouldn’t have needed to build the time machine afterwards to take him back, right?  Or alternatively, the boy would have aged just like his father. But I feel like I’m missing something here that I can’t put my finger on.

Still great job on the writing.

Best of luck and congrats on finishing the challenge!

Gary


My web site and scripts can be found here:

Gary's web site
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Matthew Taylor
Posted: July 3rd, 2019, 4:17pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Gary Howell
I’ll say I liked this, well-written, nicely constructed and with a bit of heart to it.  Wasn’t crazy about the SUPER’s, but I understand you used them to get your end result.

I just need clarity about the ending. He is back in the “new present” but how old is his son now?  The dad has aged but has the boy?  Did Paul go back in time and stop the boy from dying?  If so (and here is where my head starts hurting), then he wouldn’t have needed to build the time machine afterwards to take him back, right?  Or alternatively, the boy would have aged just like his father. But I feel like I’m missing something here that I can’t put my finger on.

Still great job on the writing.

Best of luck and congrats on finishing the challenge!

Gary


Time travel movies always give me a headache if I think about it - and logically, they almost never make sense - so I try not to overthink them

If he went back in time and saved his son, the timeline where he built the machine no longer exists and so he didn't go back to save his son, but if he didn't go back to save his son, the original timeline where he built the machine comes back into existence... And now we have an endless time loop lol

I did think of one question though - if he went back in time and is still his future self in the past, where is the past father? Does the kid have two dad's now? Or did he replace past dad?... I see a dark sequel in the works where future dad has to "get rid" of past dad so his son doesn't discover the truth


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LC
Posted: July 3rd, 2019, 9:37pm Report to Moderator
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I'm sorry, I'm going to be the dissenting voice on this one:

His hand circles the handle of a handsaw. It pulls free of
it’s casing and follows Freddy on his descent.
Twisting as he falls, Freddy instinctively raises his hands
to protect himself. The blade of the handsaw sits flush
across his throat, then--


I just can't envisage that happening with a handsaw. It surely would just clang to the ground or cut his hand. This is the type of problem I had when thinking up story - using it as weapon or lethal instrument in a believable way. A hand-saw works on push-pull momentum to cut and its bladed teeth are coarse and pointed. I had a similar but slightly lesser problem with it being used as a weapon in The Cold Invasion.

I didn't make it this far and I won't be voting so you can just disregard what I'm saying. I think more than anything the big problem is credibility with this object being utilised in a credible fashion. If it was a knife there are plenty of freakish lethal accidents that can occur with them. I think if this script were made the Producer would be wise to change this element.

Time travel stories are good entertainment (albeit a bit mess-with-your-head logic-wise) and you wrote the emotional component in well. You met all the parameters.

It may be just me who finds that handsaw supernaturally all powerful and in the end visually a little silly. That's not your fault. I personally blame Sean.  

P.S. I wrote a script with the title: Someone I Used To Know - your moniker. I think you need something more emotive similar to that for your title. A New Present, even though I get the play on words, doesn't do the story justice imh.



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PKCardinal
Posted: July 4th, 2019, 2:08pm Report to Moderator
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Nicely done.

Predictable in a sense... that is, if you have access to the logline, and are told the genre in advance. However, on screen, this critique melts away.

It's a simple story with good emotional punch and a nice payoff.

Overall, well done.


PaulKWrites.com

60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature
The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature

Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror
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