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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Drama Scripts  ›  Pinnacle
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  Author    Pinnacle  (currently 142 views)
Don
Posted: July 8th, 2019, 12:32pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Pinnacle by Steven Clark - Short, Drama - After hearing a noise from one of the compartments, a disillusioned storage facility manager must decide whether or not to open it. 12 pages

production Budget - low to medium, 4 actors, car, gas station, front desk that could pass for a storage facility. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  July 8th, 2019, 4:26pm
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Kevin_S
Posted: July 8th, 2019, 5:55pm Report to Moderator
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The line about hitting the f u button on the marriage pure gold in my book.  Well done.
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StevenClark
Posted: July 8th, 2019, 6:31pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks, Kevin. Glad you liked that part as I just recently found out what fu mode on a phone is so I figured Iíd use it here. Seems to work.


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LC
Posted: July 8th, 2019, 6:56pm Report to Moderator
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Do you like to eat pie after a good movie?

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Steve,  I nearly choked on my cereal.

Henry Higgins??

https://www.britannica.com/topic/Henry-Higgins
George Bernard Shaw, no less...



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StevenClark
Posted: July 8th, 2019, 7:12pm Report to Moderator
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Libby,

Haha. Completely coincidental. Funny thing, the name felt funny when I wrote it, like it sounded familiar. But Iíve never seen My Fair Lady or any of the plays or movies, what have you. Now, if you can get me the Clara Higgins connection then that would be creepy.


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LC
Posted: July 8th, 2019, 7:34pm Report to Moderator
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Do you like to eat pie after a good movie?

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How's this then, Steve?

Clara Eynsford-Hill  - also a cast member of Pygmalion (the stage play).

https://www.litcharts.com/lit/pygmalion/characters/clara-eynsford-hill

No cigar, but close...



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StevenClark
Posted: July 8th, 2019, 8:01pm Report to Moderator
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Iíll take it, Lib. Maybe this is my My Fair Lady?


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Arundel
Posted: July 9th, 2019, 5:05pm Report to Moderator
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The way this was set up as a horror film but then turned out not to be was well done. The genre description said drama but still expected zombies/bodies in the storage locker. Glad it didn't happen.

Ending was abrupt but matched the script's title. Also well done. Some of the writing in the middle didn't flow well; the scenes with the gas station and attendant. Not bad but just kind of clumsy. Would be interesting how the two characters might relate: both attendants/clerks.

Some dialog between Glenn and his wife didn't come across as natural either, especially the first time they're seen together. Overall enjoyed however.
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StevenClark
Posted: July 10th, 2019, 7:07am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Arundel
The way this was set up as a horror film but then turned out not to be was well done. The genre description said drama but still expected zombies/bodies in the storage locker. Glad it didn't happen.

Ending was abrupt but matched the script's title. Also well done. Some of the writing in the middle didn't flow well; the scenes with the gas station and attendant. Not bad but just kind of clumsy. Would be interesting how the two characters might relate: both attendants/clerks.

Some dialog between Glenn and his wife didn't come across as natural either, especially the first time they're seen together. Overall enjoyed however.


Thanks so much for the feedback. I actually forgot to list genre and Don defaulted to horror initially -- the logline does sound like a horror, after all. But in the end it's really about a frustrated man who decides to take a risk.

I understand about the middle not flowing well. On Glenn's road trip I struggled trying to convey where he was and it's meaning. Basically he was in this beautiful country setting and sort of at peace -- until his phone rings. So maybe that's something to explore.

Thanks again!



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