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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Drama Scripts  ›  Twisted!
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  Author    Twisted!  (currently 102 views)
Don
Posted: August 12th, 2019, 12:18pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Twisted! ep. 1 (Not nice to meet you.) by Bonginkosi Cyril Nkosi - Short, Drama - All this kind and innocent girl wants is to become an actress, take care of her mother and to know her runaway dad. 11 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  August 16th, 2019, 4:57pm
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Warren
Posted: August 12th, 2019, 8:13pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Bonginkosi,

Notes as I read.


Quoted Text
INT. MANGOPE HOUSEHOLD. BEDROOM - DAY


Not a big deal and may just be personal preference, but I go with a dash over a period to break up locations, so:

INT. MAGOPE HOUSEHOLD - BEDROOM - DAY


Quoted Text
A young girl in her pajamas, sits on top of her bed. Hair
messed up, no make-up but still, sheís undeniably beautiful.
Her name is SARA, 18.


Some unnecessary overwriting here, I'd change this to:

Sara, 18, beautiful despite her messed up hair and panamas, sits on her bed.


Quoted Text
FRIEND(V/O)


Again this isnít really an issue, but I I'd do a voice over like this:

FRIEND (V.O.)


Quoted Text
The door opens. Sara walks in, sits on her bed. Her friend
walks. Dressed like a true SLAY QUEEN. She goes for the
mirror and starts touching up her face. She has clearly been
here before.


I'd try changing some of the words up. There are so many ways to say 'walks' that would be more interesting on the page. Also adding "her friend walks" reads a bit awkwardly. I would give the friend a name from the start, then it would be easier to incorporate it into the action so:

The door flies open, Sara strolls in with CHRISTINA, 19, in tow.

I'm not really sure what a SLAY QUEEN is. I'd keep colloquial terms to a minimum unless you have a very specific target audience.


Quoted Text
CAPTION: ELEVEN MONTHS EARLIER.
INT. MANGOPE HOUSEHOLD. KITCHEN - MORNING
Sara prepares tea. Her mother , MS MANGOPE, 40s, sits on
"her" chair, with her hands gently resting on top of the
kitchen table. She reads a bible.


So I think you need to change the order of this. Start with the scene heading, then give us a visual, then superimpose (caption) the information over that. Like this:

INT. MANGOPE HOUSEHOLD - KITCHEN - MORNING

Sara prepares tea. Her mother, MS MANGOPE, 40s, sits on
"her" chair, with her hands gently resting on top of the
kitchen table. She reads a bible.

SUPER: ELEVEN MONTHS EARLIER

Another thing, the "her" chair would need to come through in dialogue to be relevant. There is no way an audience member would know that if it's important to the story.


Quoted Text
Sara pours water on the kettle


water into


Quoted Text
MS MANGOPE
That man destroyed me, my innocence
and left us to starve! I had no one
else to support me when your dad
walked on us...While I was Pregnant
with YOU!


This is a pretty good example of on the nose dialogue. Sara would know all this information already, so Ms Mangopa is really saying it for the benefit of the audience, unfortunately that can come off as exposition if it's not handled well.

There are a few typos here and there than need cleaning up.

I think you need to call FRIEND/CALLER/SLAY QUEEN CHRISTINA from the start, it's unnecessarily confusing.

I'd go back and swop a lot of the "walks" for something more entertaining.

Done, I can't say there is too much of a story to this one, but it does say itís the first episode. What plan did you have for this? Without know the bigger picture it's hard to really comment.

I think a few easy changes would clean up the writing a bit.

At the moment I donít really like Sara. I did initially but then she says this:


Quoted Text
What if he
could help me right now? Pay my
tuition...Or maybe he works for
some media company, has
connections, has money...Or
worse...heís poor. Somewhere with
no food or clothes and needs my
help.


So she wantS to know her father for what he can do for her and if he canít help her thatís bad. It makes her seem selfish and immediately makes me dislike her. Again this might be a part of a bigger character arc, but without knowing the full picture I can only comment on what I have.

This one wasnít really for me.

All the best with it.


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Bonginkosi
Posted: August 18th, 2019, 7:37am Report to Moderator
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The Immortal One.

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Mr Warren.

It's always an honor. Thank you for going through the script and for your valued feedback. I really can't stress enough how much I appreciate this. I am becoming a better writer with every script you comment on. Everything you've said thus far has given me new light on storytelling. I am working on writing better dialogue, as I see that it's one of my weakest points as of right now. It's all trial and error at this point, and hopefully I will get better with time. Thank you.

Bonginkosi.
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