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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Sci Fi and Fantasy Scripts  ›  Black Sun
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  Author    Black Sun  (currently 101 views)
Don
Posted: August 12th, 2019, 12:18pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Black Sun by Simon Parker - Short, Sci Fi, Fantasy - The sun is turning black and the whole world is convinced the world is coming to an end, all except for two teenagers. 4 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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Steven
Posted: August 12th, 2019, 12:28pm Report to Moderator
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Quick read, but there's some work to be done. This could work as a lead in to something larger.


--No need to introduce the Priest as a MAN, dressed as a Priest...just say he's a priest and his age.

--"If" should be "is" in the first piece of dialogue.

--Mum/Mom...pick one.

--"Lisa heads down the empty street, she seems to be the only
person outside." - She either IS or ISN'T the only person outside.

--"The priest now unscrews the top of a bottle of nasty looking
poison, skull and crossbones and gulps it down until blood
comes out through his eyes and nose." - This needs to be reworded. Maybe just say "A bottle with a skull and cross bones." The idea that it's poison will reveal itself in your next line when blood comes from his mouth.

--The dialogue between James and Lisa is very stilted. James is to on the nose with everything he says. Plus, neither James nor Lisa speak "age appropriate." That is subjective I know, but it's my opinion.
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Fais85
Posted: August 14th, 2019, 5:59am Report to Moderator
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I agree with Steven. It needs some work.


Quoted Text
MUM, 40, DAD, 45, and BROTHER, 17, all stand in front of the television screen and watch as a MAN, 60 dressed as a catholic priest holds onto a large crucifix and screams into a camera about the end of the world.

PRIEST
Let us pray and ask for
forgiveness. The end if near and we
must all unite. God is testing us.
And we must prove ourselves.

Mom, dad, and brother all pray along with him. Tears in their eyes, distressed and mumbling to themselves, totally gripped with fear.
LISA, 14, sits behind, slouched uninterested.

LISA
Why are you still watching this
manic?


This should be like...

A dim-lit living room with a large television screen. A CATHOLIC PRIEST, 60 holds onto a large crucifix and screams into a camera. MOM, 40, DAD, 45, and BROTHER, 17, all stand in front of the television screen, watching and praying along with tears in their eyes, distressed and mumbling to themselves, totally gripped with fear.
LISA, 14, sits behind, slouched uninterested.

PRIEST
Let us pray and ask for
forgiveness. The end if near and we
must all unite. God is testing us.
And we must prove ourselves.

LISA
Why are you still watching this
manic?
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Bonginkosi
Posted: August 20th, 2019, 12:24am Report to Moderator
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The Immortal One.

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Really good short. A few typos hear and there, something you could easily fix with another draft. Like everyone is saying though...It reads like a really good opening of a greater longer movie. It sets the tone just right. I'd say try to lengthen this to a feature. It'd be great.
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