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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    My Work In Progress  ›  The Interlopers Moderators: bert
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DustinBowcot
Posted: August 23rd, 2019, 6:15am Report to Moderator
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https://www.dropbox.com/s/cbwy18gleey45k8/The%20Interlopers.pdf?dl=0


This one has been greenlit and should have a couple of relatively famous people in it. I need to do a second draft as it is felt that the characters get along with each other too suddenly in the end. I'm just wondering though if there are any other weaknesses?

Only 8 pages. I'd be delighted to hear thoughts whether positive or negative.

Some may be familiar with the original short story and you'll note that I've completely rewritten it save for the character names, location, and general premise.

Cheers,
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Matthew Taylor
Posted: August 23rd, 2019, 7:06am Report to Moderator
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Hey Dustin. Hope you're well.

First off, I enjoyed it.

I see what you mean about the sudden change in attitude towards each other - Can the threat of the wolves not come sooner? A howl from a wolf signaling to his pack that he has found some easy prey, a glimpse of a wolf moving in the distance?
The impending doom could be the catalyst for the two stubborn men to reconcile their differences. Nothing puts things more into perspective than imminent death.
Or maybe their common ground (love and pride for their sons) could be the basis for the reconciliation.


What was the trap that Ulrich fell prey to?

The shotgun also didn't seem to do much damage - Georg was still a distance away so I would expect the shot to have given him multiple injuries (Or if he was close enough for the knee to take the full brunt, would have blown a sizeable hole in it) - I'm just being picky now as I desperately want to be helpful lol

Who are the actors who have been assigned to it? While reading I pictured Stellan Skarsgård playing Ulrich.

Oh and I would change the time of day to dusk as that is when wolves usually hunt (But I am guessing ease of filming is overriding authenticity in that regard - minor detail, anyway)

Best of luck with it - hope it makes it all the way through production.


Feature

42.2

Two steps to writing a good screenplay:
1) Write a bad one
2) Fix it
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DustinBowcot
Posted: August 23rd, 2019, 7:51am Report to Moderator
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Matt, thanks, mate. Aside from the wolves being intro'd earlier (as that is the punchline) everything you've said will help with the rewrite. Thank you very much.
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DustinBowcot
Posted: August 23rd, 2019, 7:53am Report to Moderator
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The actors aren't cast yet, so I probably shouldn't say... but Ben Daniels is being approached for one of the parts.
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Matthew Taylor
Posted: August 23rd, 2019, 10:18am Report to Moderator
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No worries - you have been a valuable learning source for me on these boards (not just comments on my scripts, but your comments on others scripts as well)


Feature

42.2

Two steps to writing a good screenplay:
1) Write a bad one
2) Fix it
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eldave1
Posted: August 23rd, 2019, 9:23pm Report to Moderator
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First - just some take it or leave it nit issues


Quoted Text
A bird squawks and flies up into the air, drawing Ulrich’s
eye long enough for Georg to ready and aim his rifle.


Just a thought - but to save money on filming (i.e., staging a bird to fly in the air) - maybe use a rustling or something unseen behind Ulrich that draws his attention - would also serve as a foreshadow of the wolves.


Quoted Text
Ulrich lurches forward and steps into a trap, he falls
painfully to the ground, screaming.


You need to indicate what kind of trap here. Later on - here:


Quoted Text
GEORG
Don’t you dare question my honour.
Or my integrity. I’ll summon the
energy somehow. Crawl down there,


It seems like it could be a covered pit (i.e., vs. an animal trap which is what I first envisioned.


Quoted Text
ULRICH
My boys’ll have heard the shots.
They’ll come. They’ll do for you.


Didn't quite understand the - "They'll do for you" line


Quoted Text
ULRICH
Believe me, if I had an y more
ammunition, I would’ve reloaded by
now and blown you into little
pieces.


extra space in the word "any"


Quoted Text
GEORG
What are you doing out with that?
What are you hunting? And with only
two bullets?


Confused - is "that" referencing the type of gun he has?? Maybe then - what you hoping to kill with a shot gun? And only two bullets. - then Ulrich responds - hoping to kill you.

The story is a good one other than I didn't feel that the sudden turn around was earned.  At some point one has to feel empathy for the other. For example - what they have in common is they both have sons. Maybe the the answer is there somewhere.  Maybe Ulrich finally concedes his boys ain't coming because of whatever tragic reason - got cancer,. Or they both confess that the boys ain't coming - got no interest in the woods/family legacy -  ran off to the big city  - whatever - then Georg can have empathy because as a Dad he knows the pain/situation himself.

Or - right here:


Quoted Text
Georg produces a hip flask from his trouser pocket and
unscrews the lid. He takes a moment to get a handle on the
pain before taking a large swig.

GEORG
Want some?

ULRICH
Not for me. Had to give it up.

GEORG
Health?

ULRICH
No... the wife.

Georg mimes the lashing of a whip. Both forget their pain
long enough to chuckle.

ULRICH
No... she’s no iron lady. She’d
have left me if I didn’t stop. I
was a cantankerous drunk.

GEORG
I can see that being a possibility.


Rather than this being a shared chuckle - have this be the moment of empathy. For example:

Georg produces a hip flask from his trouser pocket and
unscrews the lid. He takes a moment to get a handle on the
pain before taking a large swig.

GEORG
Want some?

ULRICH
Naw...
(off Georg's look of surprise)
Had to give it up. The wife...

Georg mimes the lashing of a whip.

GEORG
You let a woman tell a
a cantankerous drunk like you when you can drink?

ULRICH
Yeah...She needs me sober...
(looks off)
She got the cancer.


Or - whatever - point being there has to be a moment where empathy for something creates the peace between them.

Hope this helps in some way.







My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts

Revision History (1 edits)
eldave1  -  August 24th, 2019, 11:10am
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MarkItZero
Posted: August 23rd, 2019, 9:40pm Report to Moderator
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Guess I see what you mean about the sudden reconciliation, although they do a bit of bonding and the blood loss probably did the rest of the work.

Maybe they can say something respectful about each others sons? Could frame it as a half-insult about how "its a miracle you managed to raise that boy up to be the man he is", which prompts begrudging laughter.

I guess the director just wants a little more back-and-forth there?

Otherwise, looks pretty good. I liked the whole thing with Ulrich marking every tree in the forest like he's a king. Easy to buy into Georg's resentment. Only other thought is maybe you can have Ulrich fretting over getting blood all over his fancier boots and Georg mocks him. Playing up Ulrich as more pompous and George jealous/resentful.


That rug really tied the room together.
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DustinBowcot
Posted: August 24th, 2019, 3:17pm Report to Moderator
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Dave, thank you muchly.



Quoted from eldave1
First - just some take it or leave it nit issues



Just a thought - but to save money on filming (i.e., staging a bird to fly in the air) - maybe use a rustling or something unseen behind Ulrich that draws his attention - would also serve as a foreshadow of the wolves.


I leave this kinda thing up to the director. I just want to open with something that helps set the scene. Whether or not that is used is not up to me. Producers will naturally delete stuff as they read according to their budget. They generally appreciate that I do it for aesthetics and not through any sense of 'this is how it is written, this is how it must be done.'




Quoted Text
You need to indicate what kind of trap here. Later on - here:



It seems like it could be a covered pit (i.e., vs. an animal trap which is what I first envisioned.


Yeah, I did Google search for man-traps and such but couldn't find anything definitive to use. Again, I'm kinda leaving this one up to the director. I don't know. I'll change it to a covered pit. It'll be easier. Cheers.




Quoted Text
Didn't quite understand the - "They'll do for you" line


British colloquialism. You're right, it doesn't belong here and reads fairly weak.




Quoted Text
extra space in the word "any"


Cheers.




Quoted Text
Confused - is "that" referencing the type of gun he has?? Maybe then - what you hoping to kill with a shot gun? And only two bullets. - then Ulrich responds - hoping to kill you.


Yeah, I think when people speak to each other they don't name things both parties can see. They'll nod and look at whatever it is they're talking about and not explicitly say what it is. For me it reads more natural without shotgun being specified. I didn't think parenthesis (indicates shotgun) was necessary due to the following dialogue giving context.



Quoted Text
The story is a good one other than I didn't feel that the sudden turn around was earned.  At some point one has to feel empathy for the other. For example - what they have in common is they both have sons. Maybe the the answer is there somewhere.  Maybe Ulrich finally concedes his boys ain't coming because of whatever tragic reason - got cancer,. Or they both confess that the boys ain't coming - got no interest in the woods/family legacy -  ran off to the big city  - whatever - then Georg can have empathy because as a Dad he knows the pain/situation himself.


Yeah, great point and following suggestions. I may steal one.


Quoted Text
Or - right here:



Rather than this being a shared chuckle - have this be the moment of empathy. For example:

Georg produces a hip flask from his trouser pocket and
unscrews the lid. He takes a moment to get a handle on the
pain before taking a large swig.

GEORG
Want some?

ULRICH
Naw...
(off Georg's look of surprise)
Had to give it up. The wife...

Georg mimes the lashing of a whip.

GEORG
You let a woman tell a
a cantankerous drunk like you when you can drink?

ULRICH
Yeah...She needs me sober...
(looks off)
She got the cancer.


Yeah, it's a good one. Especially cancer. Hits home and will resonate with lots of people. The empathy will be shared by many that watch too. Clever.


Quoted Text
Or - whatever - point being there has to be a moment where empathy for something creates the peace between them.

Hope this helps in some way.


You most certainly have... thanks again.
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DustinBowcot
Posted: August 24th, 2019, 3:28pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from MarkItZero
Guess I see what you mean about the sudden reconciliation, although they do a bit of bonding and the blood loss probably did the rest of the work.


That was exactly my thought. It works... just... but it's not perfect and is an obvious cut corner. To be honest this is a first draft that I banged out just to see if it was workable for them. They didn't like the last one I wrote 'The Royal Game' another Stefan Zweig adaptation. It was outside their budget range. Too many extras required.


Quoted Text
Maybe they can say something respectful about each others sons? Could frame it as a half-insult about how "its a miracle you managed to raise that boy up to be the man he is", which prompts begrudging laughter.


Yeah, I think a combination of this and cancer will help sell their fresh bond far better than what I have now.


Quoted Text
I guess the director just wants a little more back-and-forth there?


I knew it was a slight weakness but the script was good enough to see the potential.


Quoted Text
Otherwise, looks pretty good. I liked the whole thing with Ulrich marking every tree in the forest like he's a king. Easy to buy into Georg's resentment. Only other thought is maybe you can have Ulrich fretting over getting blood all over his fancier boots and Georg mocks him. Playing up Ulrich as more pompous and George jealous/resentful.


That's another good point. This is pretty much a talking heads script so a couple more pages wouldn't hurt. I can add a couple of LATERS... maybe have them both passing in and out of oconsciousness as daylight falls.

Thanks a lot!
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eldave1
Posted: August 24th, 2019, 3:57pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from DustinBowcot
Dave, thank you muchly.

You most certainly have... thanks again.


My pleasure - looking forward to seeing this filmed



My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Kirsten
Posted: January 31st, 2020, 8:07pm Report to Moderator
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Giving up is not an option....

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Hey Dustin, just gave this a read, pretty good!  How's the production coming?


"Turn that off, our friend has just been killed in a fatal sunlight accident!"....

'What we do in the Shadows.'
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DustinBowcot
Posted: February 1st, 2020, 7:11am Report to Moderator
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Great, thanks for asking. Locations are set and it's going to be the same actors from The Invisible Collection, Ian Gelder and Mark Wingett starring. Simon Bamford is co-producing, the guy who played Butterball in Hellraiser back in the 80s. There are some other cool people on board too. Filming starts soon.
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Kirsten
Posted: February 1st, 2020, 3:43pm Report to Moderator
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Giving up is not an option....

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Thats great! I can't wait to see this. Is there anywhere I can watch The Invisible Collection or is it not out yet?


"Turn that off, our friend has just been killed in a fatal sunlight accident!"....

'What we do in the Shadows.'
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DustinBowcot
Posted: February 1st, 2020, 4:01pm Report to Moderator
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It's not available yet as it is running at the festivals. I have no idea when it will be available. I've had one short film doing festivals for 2.5 years now.
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Kirsten
Posted: February 1st, 2020, 5:27pm Report to Moderator
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Giving up is not an option....

Location
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Ah got ya.... crikey...well at least you've seen it..hopefully ....


"Turn that off, our friend has just been killed in a fatal sunlight accident!"....

'What we do in the Shadows.'
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